Girlfriend with BPD left me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ll write the whole story:

Few months ago my girlfriend told me she has BPD. I didn’t know anything about it and I brushed it off as nothing (silly me)
About 2 months ago I said I wanted kids at some point in the future. Eventually. She did not like that idea and we almost broke up because of it. But we resolved that issue.
The next day she told me she posted about the kids situation in a Facebook group, which I took some offense to.
Few weeks ago (19th of December) I stayed over at her house and started to notice she had become really cold towards me. No compassion, no affection, nothing. I noticed this but I said nothing.
So when I got home I had a lot of weird feelings. Feeling insecure about myself, self doubt and all that. So I ignored her for while. Then I told her something was wrong but I didn’t say what it was in fear it was gonna end up on another Facebook group. I even said that to her. She then told me she was done fighting and blocked me on all social media. Which lasted 11 days. So over the course of Christmas I was waiting and wondering what it was I did wrong.
Fast forward to New Year’s Eve I finally get a call. I couldn’t believe it. She basically said she’s been happier without me, said we were never gonna work, and that she wasn’t sure if she loved me or not. A few hours later I messesged her saying please don’t go (don’t ever do that) and she said it’ll be left to fate. Then she started panicking because her feelings for me were coming back. But what I don’t understand is how her feelings for me disappeared over the course of 11 days. We were together 5 years btw. And also, she made it out as if having feelings for me was a bad thing. Then she started lashing out and blaming my mom cause earlier that day my mom messesged her saying Happy New Year. Saying if my mom never said that then she would never have called me. But on the phone she said she couldn’t sleep for like 2 hours because she knew I needed an explanation after being blocked for 11 days. So why blame my mom?
She said she wasn’t sure what she was going to do about the whole thing. So she called me again. And the last thing she said to me is that she wish she never met me. That was about a week ago. I’ve heard nothing from her since.

Sorry if my story was confusing. So, what do I expect now? Will she come back? Is she gone forever? Is this the behavior of someone with BPD or is it just a normal breakup?
She wasn’t diagnosed with BPD, although she could have been in the last 3 weeks who knows.

[cruising]

I’ll write the whole story:

Few months ago my girlfriend told me she has BPD. I didn’t know anything about it and I brushed it off as nothing (silly me)
About 2 months ago I said I wanted kids at some point in the future. Eventually. She did not like that idea and we almost broke up because of it. But we resolved that issue.
The next day she told me she posted about the kids situation in a Facebook group, which I took some offense to.
Few weeks ago (19th of December) I stayed over at her house and started to notice she had become really cold towards me. No compassion, no affection, nothing. I noticed this but I said nothing.
So when I got home I had a lot of weird feelings. Feeling insecure about myself, self doubt and all that. So I ignored her for while. Then I told her something was wrong but I didn’t say what it was in fear it was gonna end up on another Facebook group. I even said that to her. She then told me she was done fighting and blocked me on all social media. Which lasted 11 days. So over the course of Christmas I was waiting and wondering what it was I did wrong.
Fast forward to New Year’s Eve I finally get a call. I couldn’t believe it. She basically said she’s been happier without me, said we were never gonna work, and that she wasn’t sure if she loved me or not. A few hours later I messesged her saying please don’t go (don’t ever do that) and she said it’ll be left to fate. Then she started panicking because her feelings for me were coming back. But what I don’t understand is how her feelings for me disappeared over the course of 11 days. We were together 5 years btw. And also, she made it out as if having feelings for me was a bad thing. Then she started lashing out and blaming my mom cause earlier that day my mom messesged her saying Happy New Year. Saying if my mom never said that then she would never have called me. But on the phone she said she couldn’t sleep for like 2 hours because she knew I needed an explanation after being blocked for 11 days. So why blame my mom?
She said she wasn’t sure what she was going to do about the whole thing. So she called me again. And the last thing she said to me is that she wish she never met me. That was about a week ago. I’ve heard nothing from her since.

Sorry if my story was confusing. So, what do I expect now? Will she come back? Is she gone forever? Is this the behavior of someone with BPD or is it just a normal breakup?
She wasn’t diagnosed with BPD, although she could have been in the last 3 weeks who knows.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi.  Welcome to the site though I am sorry for what brings your here. 

I am glad you posted and reached out for help and support.   We understand and many of us have had similar situations.  You definitely are not alone. 

So, what do I expect now? Will she come back? Is she gone forever? Is this the behavior of someone with BPD or is it just a normal breakup?

It is hard to say what comes next and if she will come back.  Some pwBPD (people with BPD) will try to get back together and sometimes the non initiates contact.  Other times the split is for good.   Many of us here do not have loved ones with a diagnosis but feel the label BPD fits the behaviors of our partners.  As I am sure you know, no one here can say if she has BPD or not.  She may have traits of the disorder meaning she does not have enough of the behaviors to warrant a diagnosis.  Regardless, we can help you here as you try to figure things out.

Has there been a history of breakups in the 5 years you were together?  What do you want to happen?

In the meantime, I hope you settle in and read posts and jump in and post in other threads.  Posting is very helpful as you try to work things through. 

[cruising]

Thank you for your response. Appreciate it very much.
Yes, there has been quite a few break ups over the 5 years. Most of them were from me, but she always convinced me to change my mind. I can only ever recall one time where she wanted to break up with me. But the thing is, she only mentioned BPD about 2-3 months ago. Since she left me she reactivated her Instagram. And one of the hashtags she always  uses is #BPD. So, she either has it, or has convinced herself she has it.
After 11 days of ghosting me I woke up to a phone call from her telling me it was over. And that she used those 11 days to plan her escape. What’s strange to me is that the phone call was normal. She even wished me well in my future. (From what I’ve read BPD breakups are usually mean and angry)
I texted her a few hours after the breakup saying please don’t go. Which she replied that it’ll be left to fate. Then she said she started panicking because her feelings were coming back. Which to me is very strange how someone’s feelings could disappear within 11 days after a 5 year relationship.

As for what I would like to happen: I am honestly not so sure. Part of me just wants an apology for how all of that affected me. Another part of me realizes that one day this MAY be the best thing for me. If she does have BPD that is.

Thank you for listening.

[Sandb2015]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, I am almost in the same boat and oddly enough, same breakup day.

I just came here, my love has not been diagnosed, but exhibits many of BPD symtoms.  I've been thrown out during an uncontrolled episode and did what I wanted, go back and she sheepishly wanted me back with feelings of wrongdoing and guilt and I never wanted to leave to begin with.  I don't know if my presumptions are correct, I did see the struggles and that fight kept me knowing she was fighting for herself and us.

Getting thrown out on 12/19 and me bombarding (really overwhelming as I see now) with texts and visiting unannounced worked before, not this time.

The answer to your questions... .I don't think anyone knows, read as much here of others experience, be positive if possible, I am trying, not working well.

[once removed]

her feelings didnt disappear.

the two of you had a conflict about whether or not both of you want children. its a common relationship conflict, often relationship killer... .and a legitimate one. in our relationships, its important to examine where our values align with our partners, and where they clash, and whether those clashes can be bridged.

in trying to cope, she reached out for support/advice/whatever. when she brought this to your attention, you were uncomfortable with that (understandably) and expressed that. she probably felt shut down.

i dont think expecting her to table her feelings and apologize to you will bring her back. she has major fears here (people with BPD traits are especially fearful and distrustful).

i think, although she has shut down contact, the next move is yours. do you want to make that move? what do you want to do?

[cruising]

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, I am almost in the same boat and oddly enough, same breakup day.

I just came here, my love has not been diagnosed, but exhibits many of BPD symtoms.  I've been thrown out during an uncontrolled episode and did what I wanted, go back and she sheepishly wanted me back with feelings of wrongdoing and guilt and I never wanted to leave to begin with.  I don't know if my presumptions are correct, I did see the struggles and that fight kept me knowing she was fighting for herself and us.

Getting thrown out on 12/19 and me bombarding (really overwhelming as I see now) with texts and visiting unannounced worked before, not this time.

The answer to your questions... .I don't think anyone knows, read as much here of others experience, be positive if possible, I am trying, not working well.

I’m sorry you are going through this also. I also thought about visiting unannounced but I also thought that would-be a bad idea. It truly sucks that we’re going through this but let’s have hope that we can get through this. I’ll be rooting for you.
What’s it like for you now? Did she go NC with you or did you go NC with her? Has she said anything to you since the 19th

[cruising]

her feelings didnt disappear.

the two of you had a conflict about whether or not both of you want children. its a common relationship conflict, often relationship killer... .and a legitimate one. in our relationships, its important to examine where our values align with our partners, and where they clash, and whether those clashes can be bridged.

in trying to cope, she reached out for support/advice/whatever. when she brought this to your attention, you were uncomfortable with that (understandably) and expressed that. she probably felt shut down.

i dont think expecting her to table her feelings and apologize to you will bring her back. she has major fears here (people with BPD traits are especially fearful and distrustful).

i think, although she has shut down contact, the next move is yours. do you want to make that move? what do you want to do?

She used to always want kids. I’m not entirely sure what changed her mind. When she called me on New Year’s Eve I admitting I was wrong about bringing up the subject of kids and I apologized for it. Because after giving it a lot of thought and I came to the realization that no one is ever really ready to have kids until it happens. That’s what I believe.
I have read that a BPD going NC is a blessing in disguise. I’m trying my best to think with my head and not my heart. As of right now, I’ll just try my best to take it one day at a time.

[Harri]

Hi.

Then she said she started panicking because her feelings were coming back. Which to me is very strange how someone’s feelings could disappear within 11 days after a 5 year relationship.

It sounds like she was shutdown emotionally, so I agree with once removed that her feelings did not disappear.  The fact that she was panicking when they started coming back speaks to that as well.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation where emotions become overwhelming and the person will act in ways to make the emotions dissipate.   Sometimes they initiate a break up or get angry or turn things inward and shut down.  Lots of things can happen.

As of right now, I’ll just try my best to take it one day at a time.

This is wise.  Take things slow.  Allow her the distance she wants and allow yourself some so you can regroup and really think about what you want. 

[once removed]

a BPD going NC is a blessing in disguise.

how so?