Over the "self soothing" destructive behaviours - venting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all

hwBPD has been through the motions of dealing with gambling, drinking, trying to attract the attention of other women and most recently porn as "self soothing" techniques for his overwhelming feelings, anxiety and fears. The porn was up to 3 sessions daily and really upset me. I left him for a few days until he promised to seek help and promised it would not continue. I know some people have no problems with porn - but the usage was way over the top and his is so adamant that I never look at anything like that - the hypocrisy is amazing.

The porn stopped for 3 months - the drinking and gambling stayed under control and we had the occasional dysreg but nothing major. Then it started again. I know he is doing it again daily and up to 2 times a day - but he doesn't know that I know. He is lying to me about it, he is shady, he is watching me like a hawk as if I am the one with a problem and it is making me very depressed.

He is such a wonderful liar that if I didn't know for sure - I would believe he had it all under control. I know I need to confront him because I am making myself sick. I know I can't live with it as part of our marriage, and I believe he can not give it up (or doesn't want to). I am so tired of trying to be understanding and patient while also being the "punching bag" when he is struggling only to be repaid with this. My problem is I don't believe anything he says anymore and I don't even not what I would ask him for to show me he can get on top of this.

I know I will get the "i have an illness" speech asking me to stand by him, promising me he will get help (last time he attended 1 DBT session and that was it), proclomations of love etc etc but how do I buy into this yet again.

Am I just a sucker?

Interested to know how many times people keep going back for more under promises of change and how do you find the courage to say enough is enough? What actions have you taken to be true to what you want?

B.

[believer55]

Hi all

hwBPD has been through the motions of dealing with gambling, drinking, trying to attract the attention of other women and most recently porn as "self soothing" techniques for his overwhelming feelings, anxiety and fears. The porn was up to 3 sessions daily and really upset me. I left him for a few days until he promised to seek help and promised it would not continue. I know some people have no problems with porn - but the usage was way over the top and his is so adamant that I never look at anything like that - the hypocrisy is amazing.

The porn stopped for 3 months - the drinking and gambling stayed under control and we had the occasional dysreg but nothing major. Then it started again. I know he is doing it again daily and up to 2 times a day - but he doesn't know that I know. He is lying to me about it, he is shady, he is watching me like a hawk as if I am the one with a problem and it is making me very depressed.

He is such a wonderful liar that if I didn't know for sure - I would believe he had it all under control. I know I need to confront him because I am making myself sick. I know I can't live with it as part of our marriage, and I believe he can not give it up (or doesn't want to). I am so tired of trying to be understanding and patient while also being the "punching bag" when he is struggling only to be repaid with this. My problem is I don't believe anything he says anymore and I don't even not what I would ask him for to show me he can get on top of this.

I know I will get the "i have an illness" speech asking me to stand by him, promising me he will get help (last time he attended 1 DBT session and that was it), proclomations of love etc etc but how do I buy into this yet again.

Am I just a sucker?

Interested to know how many times people keep going back for more under promises of change and how do you find the courage to say enough is enough? What actions have you taken to be true to what you want?

B.

[Cat Familiar]

His behavior is violating your criteria for marriage and you’re at the end of your tolerance for being understanding. You’d like to confront him, but you are concerned that he will lie or make promises he doesn’t intend to keep.

What do you see as your next move should that unfold the way you imagine?

[believer55]

Thanks for the reply Cat 

That is the million dollar question. I keep saying that I love him but at the moment I do not love our relationship. 

I can not say with certainty that I am ready to walk away - at the same time I know I will not trust him to tell me the truth so how can a relationship last like that?

I can feel myself slipping into a 'robot' mode where I don't allow myself to feel anything and this can not be a good example to my 2 kids (his step kids) 15 and 17. I know I can be happy and fine on my own (I have done it before) but once it is ended I will need to say goodbye to him and I just don't know if I am ready for that. If I stay I am enabling him and accepting the behaviour... .


Have you ever felt this way?

[Notwendy]

I've gone into "robot" mode to cope with feeling hurt. Not over porn ( as far as I know, but I don't think we can know what people do in secret ) but over other things. It's not a good place to be.

Any addiction ( and a number of things can act like an addiction) can be destructive to a relationship- due to secrecy, denial, lying and other behaviors. It doesn't have to be the classic- drugs, alcohol, but can include gambling, porn, shopping, overeating- things people do to self soothe rather than manage their feelings.

It looks like your H is addicted to porn, and while that means it is difficult to control, it doesn't mean you have to pretend all is OK. You can ask that he gets treatment or help for it. If he refuses, then it is your decision as to whether or not you can stay with him in these circumstances. That is your boundary to decide.

You're not making a judgement about the porn- but the addictive behavior patterns. I have my own concerns about it, but I also think probably many people have looked, just like many people have had a drink. Not everyone becomes and alcoholic, or isn't able to control their porn activities, but some do- and then it becomes a behavioral pattern and relationship issue.

I think that confronting him will likely trigger shame in him. If he says things like you shouldn't look, he realizes he is not doing something he respects in himself, but it helps him to manage his feelings and so he is drawn to it. I honestly don't think this behavior is about you or if you are attractive to him but his own compulsions. Still- you can have your own boundaries about this intrusion into your marriage.

[WitzEndWife]

Has he ever acknowledged his tendency to use these things as an emotional crutch? Has he expressed that he knows that dependency is unhealthy? Or does he only change his behavior because you are unhappy with it?

For my H, he has tended at times to use alcohol and pot to deal with his anxiety. He knows he has an unhealthy relationship to those things. He quit drinking almost entirely late last year and hasn't picked up getting wasted since. Overall, he's been channeling his energy into more positive things, like caring for our dogs and working.

For my part, I've only focused on the behavior if it affects me. For example, in the last drinking episode, he tried to punch our neighbor, who is a friend of his. He didn't even remember what had happened and he felt sick for several days afterward. I told him what he'd done and how I'd had to try to mitigate the situation and that I never wanted to be in the middle of something like that again. That was the breaking point. He decided he needed to stop drinking.

Unfortunately, sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to get to that point, and rock bottom is different for everyone. What you need to decide is what you will and will not put up with and where your boundaries are. You won't be able to stop him from drinking or watching porn, but you can decide how you handle it. You've already made your needs known to him. If he's disregarding your feelings on this, what can you do? What are some actions you will take when he does these things? How will you care for yourself?

[AskingWhy]

Believer, you are not alone in the way you feel.

You are not a "sucker" but a person caught in a situation that you probably were not aware of when you married your H.  pwBPD are chameleons.  Your H probably turned the "color" you wanted to see when you were courting.  At some point after the marriage, your H's true "colors" started to show.

As with others on this board, you need to self-care, as your title states.  This means not depending on your partner for validation and doing things to be good for yourself.  Buy yourself something special, treat yourself to a spa day.  Treat yourself and nurture the things that make you feel good.

Being in a R/S with a pwBPD is very, very hard.  It puts us in a role of caretaker (they are really emotional infants) or punching back, both of which can be very destructive if we don't know what we are up against.

We need to balance our love for our partner with our own needs.   

[believer55]

Hi everyone and sorry for the late reply... .

It means so much tome that yo have taken the time to respond. Been feeling pretty alone.

Has he ever acknowledged his tendency to use these things as an emotional crutch? Has he expressed that he knows that dependency is unhealthy? Or does he only change his behavior because you are unhappy with it?

We have previously openly discussed his use of these behaviours as crutches and he agreed they were for the feeling of escaping his overwhelmng emotions to begin with I think they have then become addictions. He went to DBT to work on these but it was only one or two sessions and then he quit. He is so convincing when he states that he hates watching the porn and feels so guilty afterwards, but now I am beginning to think this is just an act.

We had a row the other night - if I read a book he gets jealous and thinks I don't want to spend time with him. So we had an argument and he took himself off to the loo for half an hour. I am not guessing - I know what he was doing and I felt like it was a retaliation act toward me. This seemed more than an addiction - this seemed more like an act of cruelty.

I know, as you have all stated, that I need to look after myself and need to be true to my boundaries. At this stage, for me, it means pulling away a little emotionally so I won't feel so hurt. As you know - the moment a pwBPD senses this the abandonment fears kick in so it gets worse as I get accused of not caring for him, not understanding him, not loving him enough etc etc. The roller coaster starts again.

I feel like such a coward sometimes - I want to confront him but am so scared of the outfall that I keep it all inside.

I believe there will come a day I just have it out with him - which probably doesn't sound very rational or validating or whatever... .but I now sees his behaviour as selfish and hypocritical rather than a part of his condition.

Thank you again.
B.

[AskingWhy]

His behavior is violating your criteria for marriage and you’re at the end of your tolerance for being understanding. You’d like to confront him, but you are concerned that he will lie or make promises he doesn’t intend to keep.

What do you see as your next move should that unfold the way you imagine?

Cat's remarks are really relevant.  I am in this place in my R/S with my uBPD H.  I am tapped out on empathy when he dysregulates (rages, upends furniture, etc.) or when his insecurity buttons are pushed.  I am sick of the constant fault-finding and criticism.  I am tired of of being unhappy around him.

Your H's half and hour of distance is called "withholding of affection" in the form of "silent treatment."  It is abusive and hurtful.  It is an act of cruelty and actually causes mental harm on the physical level in the brain.  This is why life with BPDs is so damaging to partners. 

https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/?c=72e1ba2726d6

Like you, believer, you are at a crossroads on making a decision about your place in the R/S.  Disengaging works to keep you at emotional distance from your H, but it's only a band aid and does not get to the root of the problem--which is your H's BPD and its outcomes.

You are not alone in this as this board exists to support family members with BPD.  Your H's actions are not your fault.

[Bnonymous]

hwBPD has been through the motions of dealing with gambling, drinking, trying to attract the attention of other women and most recently porn as "self soothing" techniques for his overwhelming feelings, anxiety and fears.

The porn stopped for 3 months - the drinking and gambling stayed under control and we had the occasional dysreg but nothing major. Then it started again.

During those three months, did his "overwhelming feelings, anxiety and fears" stop too? Or did he still experience those but manage to find other ways to soothe them?

Suppose a person always uses eucalyptus oil when they have a cold. For several months, they don't get a cold, so they don't use eucalyptus oil. But the very next time they get a cold, they do. In that case, even during the cold-free months, eucalyptus oil remained their go-to treatment for a cold.

What I am wondering is whether the behaviours you mentioned above remained his go-to "treatments" for those emotions during the months he abstained from them but he had a respite from the emotions themselves so didn't need the coping mechanisms? I'm wondering if the association between the emotions and the coping mechanisms was ever actually broken?

[believer55]

Hi Bnonymous and Asking

I'm wondering if the association between the emotions and the coping mechanisms was ever actually broken?

I would have to say for a while he was removing himself when he felt overwhelmed and using self talk to deal with emotions. At times he also chose to speak with me calmly and rationally about what was going on inside of him. But overall I think you are right - I don't think he actually replaced the destructive techniques with healthy ones. I think for him the healthy techniques require too much energy and it is just easier to fall back on the risk taking behaviours.

I am tapped out on empathy when he dysregulates (rages, upends furniture, etc.) or when his insecurity buttons are pushed.  I am sick of the constant fault-finding and criticism.  I am tired of of being unhappy around him.

Asking - we are truly in the same boat. Last night he started lecturing me again about how I am not close enough to him and how he needs me to be closer to him and give him more attention. I had to say to him that we have this conversation just about weekly and I can't keep going over the same thing time and again. The conversation usually turns to - we shouldn't be together, I think he is  a loser, I think I am too good for him etc etc and then a demand that I tell him how much I love him. I feel like a conditioned monkey that has to respond a certain way in these conversations.

In a day or 2 he will calm down and he will swing upwards and then he will wonder what all the fuss was about. I find myself getting colder towards him and just waiting for the next episode.

I truly understand how you feel Asking - I guess our big question now is what are we going to do?

 

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like he’s feeling really needy and his requests for more attention are turning you off. Then he assumes that you think you’re better than him   and if you don’t tell him how much you love him, then he thinks the relationship is irreparable.

Then he forgets all of this in a couple of days, while you feel less inclined toward expressing your love for him.

It’s a classic example of how pwBPD fear abandonment, yet push others away and ultimately bring about what they fear, as others distance themselves from their difficult behavior.

[believer55]

So true Cat

At his best he can see he is doing this and is able to see that pushing me away to gain affection does not work. In his dark times, this behaviour wins out and we are off again.

Example - last night I was reading and he sat next to me to read as well but apparently I was not happy enough that he had done this so he made snide remarks and went to another room to read. I did not engage in replying to his remarks and eventually he came back. But by now I can tell the rejection emotion has taken hold. An hour or so later while watching tv he asked me if I was OK (always a dangerous question). I told him I was OK but this did not seem the right answer. Next he is mimicking me and saying how I "always" do this to him. Another night turned into me being told off for not acting the way he wanted.

I do understand this is to be expected as part of BPD - however am finding the frequency of it (weekly) a bit much at the moment. I do  make sure during the day I send him texts with kisses and tell him I love him, I make sure to hug him and kiss him when I get home. I make sure to show an interest in how his day has been... .I just feel it will never be enough.

Thx again for your support Cat  

[Cat Familiar]

Have you asked him what it is that appears to be missing from your responses to him showing your love and care? Somehow he's not receiving it--perhaps you have different Love Languages?  https://www.5lovelanguages.com

I know, it's a tough one. My husband also creates issues to be upset about all on his own. Today he was grumpy and assumed I was criticizing him when I asked if he, too, didn't like a particular type of cheese that was in the refrigerator. My question was merely noticing that he hadn't eaten any of it and when I tried it, I didn't like it, so I was wondering if he felt the same. Perfectly innocuous question that he somehow believed was a criticism of him. (For what, I'm not sure? Buying it? Not eating it?)

A few minutes later he mentioned that maybe when I ordered vitamins online that I could order some for him too, because he doesn't order as frequently as I do. The way he said it clued me into that he was somehow feeling slighted.

I realized that he had created a scenario in his head where he felt like I was somehow taking advantage of him and that I wasn't caring about him because I didn't ask him if he needed vitamins when I placed my order.

It wasn't about the cheese at all.