A breakdown that hit my heart

[Frankee]

My bph came at me today.  I feel when you have a disagreement with a mentally healthy person, they don't say things that he says.  The break down.  Couple days ago, we got into a fight about money.  Yesterday seemed okay.  This morning, we got into it.  No telling or threatening, but some harsh words said.

It is about the kids.  The oldest from a previous relationship.  We fought about how the last name isn't changed.  We tried to do an adoption, but court said cost $6,000.  That's been put on hold.  When the court said the cost, he was understanding and we talked about how it makes sense.  Today he threw it in my face, saying the ex is still in our lives, the court said no to the adoption, and now he's not sure he even wants it to happen.  He reiterated not living with my ex in our lives when he's in another state.  I kept reassuring him that he was never going to be in our lives.

The youngest doesn't have his name on there because of a mix up with the hospital.   He got upset that his name isn't on the birth certificate and I haven't fixed it.  I made the mistake of relying on his mom who said she would pay for it, never did, and now has forgotten.  Honestly, I haven't thought about it either with other stuff going on.  He pointed out that legally, neither child is his so he can abandon us if he wanted to and wouldn't be responsible for any of us.

Now, inside my head, I am screaming, go ahead, leave, I don't have to put up with you $hit, you can't let $hit go, F U with brining up me leaving a year ago and saying it's all my fault because you can't handle what you did to make me so scared.  It's a tough pill to swallow, wanting to point out his behavior that led up to me fleeing a year ago, but knowing it would cause a never ending fight.

I comforted him.  I know he is saying this because he is hurt,  stressed, scared, worried, etc.  I teared up when he said the hurtful things.  I know he doesn't believe me.  All I can do is work silently on my goal to fix what needs to be done and be patient and kind to myself.  He sees it as me refusing to do it, him having to force me to get it done.  It hurts when he acts like this, but I can't let it dictate my actions.

Any words of encouragement?

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[Ozzie101]

That sounds so difficult, Frankee.

It definitely sounds like he's scared and this is all coming from fear of abandonment, as you've already guessed. If his name isn't on the birth certificate and there's no adoption, there's nothing really solid tethering him to the family. Probably brings up a lot of fear.

I've had something like the "I could walk away and I wouldn't be responsible" thrown at me multiple times. (Not about kids in our case -- there's just his from a 1st marriage -- but it's still hurtful.) And it's so hard, being kind and empathetic and comforting while inside screaming in frustration and anger.

It sounds like you're going about it in the right way -- comforting him, working towards improving the relationship. As I'm learning, it's a slow process and involves constant work and effort to build up that emotional equity, that bond, that base of love so the pwBPD starts to feel more secure.

[Frankee]

It really is hard.  I have learned to be more empathetic and comforting when the inside is screaming to not allow him to talk to me like that.  It is a push and pull.  He made the comment about me being "nicer" when he was more of an @hole (abusive).  Truth is because I was scared.  I pacified him ALOT.  Now, not so much.  Now I am more keen to tell him sayung certain things are so wrong and I will not allow him to talk to me like he does sometimes, etc.

A year ago, that harsh exchange would have left me in the bathroom crying.  Now I an about to clock into work and carry on with my day.  He doesn't want promises, he wants action.  It will take awhile to get everything done because of finances, but it time I will.

I just like to hear that it takes constant effort and time while dealing with their ups and downs.  I know with me, that I nay change my mood and feelings, but overall how I feel about being stronger mentally has not changed.

[Ozzie101]

He doesn't want promises, he wants action.

My H has said many, many times that actions speak louder than words. I can tell him 100 times that I love him more than anyone or anything else. But he says if my actions don't show it, he doesn't believe me. (For him, apparently, those actions would be things like my cutting off my family and old friends, taking on all his parenting and household duties and quitting my job. At least, that's the best I can figure from what he tells me). I guess that's common in pwBPD?

Good for you for focusing on your own strength! I was "nicer" to my H too back before I figured out what was going on. I felt like I must have failed him and I bent over backwards to try to make him happy and "fix" every situation. Now that I'm learning more about BPD and seeing his abusive behavior for what it is, I'm still kind and empathetic, but no longer desperate and submissive.

Stay committed to self-care and working on your core. I think our situations are a lot like physical training. You have to do work over time, strengthening and building and conditioning muscles to keep up effective workouts and reach your goals.

[Frankee]

I felt like I must have failed him and I bent over backwards to try to make him happy and "fix" every situation. Now that I'm learning more about BPD and seeing his abusive behavior for what it is, I'm still kind and empathetic, but no longer desperate and submissive.

This is what he refers to as me being nice.  He had me so beaten down a year ago that I believe his warped sense of reality.  Now I see through majority of his attempts to manipulate or the times he regresses and attempts a shot at his old habits.  He has gotten a lot better, but that old warped jaded BPD viewpoint shows up every now and then.

I am analyzing his behavior last few days.  Our fight, his meltdown, his apology, his intimate action, his lash out this morning leading to harsh words.  All crammed into 3 days. 

It's hard not letting him get to me.  The words he says still hit deep, but my recovery time is better.  What use to last what seemed a week or longer, has shortened.  I guess I need to remember that just because he has gotten better, doesn't change the fact he has years of being the way he was.  He will have times he breaks and acts (No nearly as bad) but still uses words to cut.

I still feel like he puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. Even now he broke down about keeping track of finances, so now I have to pick up again.  He tries, I know he does.  It just still feels like I am responsible for majority of daily operations when it comes to the home.  It's tiring, but thankfully I am a stronger person.