Thinking out loud ..

[chronsweet]

It has been 11 days since I have talked to my mom.  I believe the last day I talked to her was on Sunday the 30th which was 2 days before the New Year.  Well scratch that, I did talk to her last Sunday January 6th because she called <boyfriend's> phone to ‘ask a question’.  The question was as to whether ‘I wanted <son> to have his gift’ that she bought him.  I of course said why wouldn’t I want him to have that.  She made a passive aggressive statement about making sure that I wouldn’t throw them away.  I have never been a possession thrower-away’er so I answered in a calm manner that I don’t do that kind of stuff.  In my head I am thinking, ‘YOU ARE THE PERSON WHO THROWS EVERYTHING AWAY’, or destroys it, or complains about it, etc etc etc.
Anyhow, I am starting to feel more calm and less distressed about not talking to her.  My life has been relatively peaceful and I have been able to think more clearly.  I realize though, that I do feel kind of empty inside.  I feel her voice in my head telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  I am relishing the reality of actually getting rid of that voice and listening to my own voice.  I have listened to several messages/recordings on Youtube from John Bradshaw and listened to Understanding the Borderline Mother (which I read in the past) and have been realizing just how much I have never been able to live my own life.  My mother lives right down the street from me so she is close.  She has always been in the same county and she has always been absolutely intrusive in my life.  She knows how much money I make, how much my bills are, what I am eating for dinner, what I have in my cabinets for food, what I feel and think about certain people.  She persuades my decisions.  She colors my every thought.  And if I don’t agree, I get lambasted, disowned, ridiculed, called names, etc.  She walks into my house and re-arranges furniture, knickknacks.  She goes straight to  my kitchen and begins eating my food. She eats food that she likes but doesn’t buy because it’s too expensive such as mixed nuts or whatever else.  She criticizes almost everything in my house.  She points out things she thinks are ‘new’ and wants to know where they came from and when.
So when I go on these periods of not talking to her I feel free from her.  I listen to John Bradshaw in my head and I know in my soul that I have been shamed my entire life.  That shaming and always trying to please everyone else has always ALWAYS gone against my own guy, my own needs.  I am determined to take my life back, my thoughts back and to own what I want.  I am going to practice saying NO without an explanation to anyone.  I am going to live my life for my son and myself.  I am going to teach my son that he always should operate from a feeling of love for himself.  That was NEVER given to me.  I think that is the greatest gift I can give him in this life.
Just wanted to share my thoughts.  I feel like it is going to take a long time to heal but after 43 years, I am ready.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for sharing your thoughts and observations.

Feeling calmer and more at peace must be a big relief for you.   At the same time, the enormity of what you have experienced can be quite startling too.  How are you doing with managing that?  It sounds like you are doing good, but I want to make sure.   

Getting rid of the mother in your head will take some time.  The constant critique, assessments, snide comments... .ugh.  It gets better though. 

So when I go on these periods of not talking to her I feel free from her.

This is wonderful to hear. 

 

I am determined to take my life back, my thoughts back and to own what I want.  I am going to practice saying NO without an explanation to anyone.  I am going to live my life for my son and myself.  I am going to teach my son that he always should operate from a feeling of love for himself.  That was NEVER given to me.  I think that is the greatest gift I can give him in this life.

A former member here taught me that the word 'No' really is a complete sentence and if I want to elaborate, I can say 'No thank you'.     Just resolving to do this and knowing that you can do this, that it is allowed is such a huge step forward.  So many us have been there, caught up in the fear of saying no.  It is empowering to know you can.  Teaching your son to live his life based on self love, self respect and personal values is a great gift.  Heck, teaching him that those things are good and healthy and are  okay is a great gift in itself.

[chronsweet]

A former member here taught me that the word 'No' really is a complete sentence and if I want to elaborate, I can say 'No thank you'.    

Yes, I practiced that today with my ex MIL.  She wants to take my son out of state to visit with his extended family.  I said NO due to previous bad experiences with her not doing as she says she will.  She asked for an explanation and I said, because No is a complete sentence.  She backed off very quickly.

I have a hard time saying no in general to anyone.  I was never allowed to tell my mother no.  I was not allowed to have any opinion of my own.  If I did have a feeling or opinion, even as an adult, it was invalidated and inserted with her opinion.

The hardest part of going no contact for me at this point, and in dealing with anyone, is that I can see how and why I have become so flaky for lack of a better word.  I do not like that I feel powerless.  I do not like feeling guilty for having my own thoughts and feelings.  So really it is an internal criticism of myself.  I know I have to forgive myself and go with my gut.  I am going to try very hard to do what makes ME happy instead of trying to fix everyone else. 

[chronsweet]

Feeling calmer and more at peace must be a big relief for you.   At the same time, the enormity of what you have experienced can be quite startling too.  How are you doing with managing that?  It sounds like you are doing good, but I want to make sure.   

I am managing it by crying and letting out all these raw emotions.  I keep getting random thoughts that go thru my head and I will start tearing up.  It is OK and I can handle it.  I am trying to feel the feelings and acknowledge them.  I have a very hard time with memory.  My earlier memories as a child are really vague.  I get random thoughts that will come and stir up emotion, usually negative emotions, and I will back off from it.  Now, I am trying to remember.  When I think of my mom, there are lots and lots of times where I can remember being hurt, crying, wondering why.  But, I do not remember the context of the trauma at the time.  It if funny because my mother can remember our fights and the topics behind them, then I will remember.  But I literally can't remember hardly anything about WHY she hurt me.  Only that I was in a lot of pain.  I wish she knew how she hurt me and hurts others.  I wish she could say sorry.  But in 43 years, she really never has.  And I am trying to accept that she probably never will.  What that looks like in 6 months, I couldn't say.

[Harri]

Well done  

Saying no takes practice and it gets easier over time.   As we get used to it and feel more confident in who we are and our right to say no, it will feel more natural.  

You have the right to be a person with the same freedom and liberties that every other person has.  You have a right to be your own self with different opinions, interests, boundaries, likes and dislikes.  You have a right feel whatever you feel and to take care of you and make choices that are good for you rather than focusing solely on others.  

I have a very hard time with memory.  My earlier memories as a child are really vague.  I get random thoughts that will come and stir up emotion, usually negative emotions, and I will back off from it.

 This happens and I think is fairly common in those who have experienced child abuse.  For me I was in a daze and dissociated a lot... .mildly, nothing too weird, but I was definitely detached.  Over time as I dissociate less and less and heal more, memories are resurfacing, and not only of abuse but others too.  sometimes those memories are more emotional memories.  I am glad you are willing and trying to sit with them.  Are you familiar with Mindfulness?  We have an article titled Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind that is quite helpful.  It is good a good method for learning how to be present with your feelings but not overwhelmed and experiencing them without judgement.  Like most things, it takes practice but I find it very helpful.

Now, I am trying to remember.  When I think of my mom, there are lots and lots of times where I can remember being hurt, crying, wondering why.  But, I do not remember the context of the trauma at the time.  It if funny because my mother can remember our fights and the topics behind them, then I will remember.  But I literally can't remember hardly anything about WHY she hurt me.  Only that I was in a lot of pain.  I wish she knew how she hurt me and hurts others.  I wish she could say sorry.  But in 43 years, she really never has.  And I am trying to accept that she probably never will.  

    The memories may or may not come.  It is okay.  Work with the feelings.  They are enough to keep you busy   and they are what is important really.  Allow yourself to feel and cry when you need to and don't forget to allow yourself to feel joy too.  You can help little Chron  by giving her (you) the love, acceptance, affirmation and admiration that you never got when you were a kid.

What that looks like in 6 months, I couldn't say.

  I couldn't say either but I am looking forward to finding out!

This is really difficult stuff you are dealing with and it is not easy but you are doing it.  

[SciNerd]

Your thoughts are so incredibly familiar to me as well... .the inability to form your own identity, all the things she does in your house I've pictured to be my very near future. I think some of it is just the disappointment that you couldn't have a "normal" mom, one who could love you for who you are, not try to adjust your every move. I took a break from my mom in the fall. Not for any crazy fight, I just stopped calling her first. We went a month and a half without speaking because she was too stubborn to pick up the phone. I felt seriously alive... .then guilty for feeling alive without her. So much conditioning over the years I guess. Anyway, I'm new to all of this myself so I don't have a lot of wisdom, but you're not alone!