Dealing with post-marriage guilt

[utnapishtim428]

It has been a year since I left my UBPDexW. I left her after 10 years together, a little under 2 of them in marriage. I married her after 8 fairly tumultuous years together because things had stabilized quite a bit after an extreme low point that almost tore us apart. Then after we got married and started trying for a family things steadily unraveled again. We had fertilitiy problems (both of us) and things spiraled badly out of control. I spent the holidays last year planning an exit strategy using the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcisisstic Personality Disorder." While I was planning (and before) there were suicide threats (I should've called the police on christmas eve, but couldn't bring myself to do it), frantic efforts to isolate me from friends and family (I hadn't seen any of them in months), and loads of anger directed at me when I tried to fix anything.

I went through with my plan. It was so painful to leave her in that way and the guilt I felt was absolutely crushing. In the aftermath she wouldn't leave me alone/stalked me so I had to go NC. We divorced 8 months later after a protracted battle for such a short-term/simple divorce.

I have no desire to go back to her, but what I still struggle with is the feelings of obligation and guilt. I knew I would feel bad for leaving and especially having to leave without really explaining much, but the lingering feeling of guilt I must admit, is a surprise. In one sense, I have moved on... .I have a really wonderful girlfriend who treats me very well, things are going better at work since I don't feel constant anxiety over what I'll go home to... .but I was curious if any of you could share some of your stories of healing after a relationship with a borderline and how you dealt with the guilt... .

[once removed]

divorce is a significant loss. its the mourning and grieving of hopes and dreams, and a family, and it can feel like losing a part of yourself.

you were together for ten years, a lot of it tumultuous, suicide threats, etc. this is very complicated stuff to process, and given its been a year, i wouldnt be surprised if your psyche has made some room for more of it to surface.

whats your relationship with her like today? any contact since the divorce?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey utna, Are you feeling guilty because your Ex blamed you for the b/u?  It's pretty common for a pwBPD to take no responsibility and claim it was all the fault of the Non, which is a function of their black and white thinking.  At the end of the day, in my view, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult, though I'm sure your Ex would argue otherwise.  Took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept.  10 years is a long time, so don't beat yourself up!

LuckyJim

[utnapishtim428]

Thanks for the replies!

@Once Removed:
My relationship with her after the divorce was finalized has been strictly business (which is nice and incredibly surprising). We send text messages to make sure alimony payments go through and things of that nature. We divorced in August 2018 and, though I own the house, I agreed that she can live in it until the end of February (I've been living with a friend for the last 12 months).

Recently, she did text me, asked me to help pay for some car repairs and said she had something important to discuss... .She didn't want to talk about it via text message so I agreed to a phone call on the weekend at a certain time. I called her and she didn't answer... .I tried 30 minutes later and nothing. She texted me back later and apologized, saying she forgot that she had things going on that day. She asked if I was free a week later, to which I said yes, and hasn't said anything since other than payment-related things... .

Sort of feels like a manipulation/control thing that she said she wanted to tell me something but then doesn't contact me? It could mean that she's actually just scared of having to make it on her own in the next couple of months... .

@Lucky Jim
I do think that her blaming me plays a role in me blaming myself. I think I would feel bad about getting a divorce almost no matter what... .it IS a broken promise. Her blaming does make it worse, as I specifically remember the more hurtfull things she said to me. Despite that though, I don't have any angry feelings towards her really; she's not a bad person, just a wounded one that had problems so severe that I couldn't handle them. So the guilt I feel is really  over my failure to help her when we were together and sadness over the loss of such an important relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

she's not a bad person, just a wounded one that had problems so severe that I couldn't handle them. So the guilt I feel is really  over my failure to help her when we were together and sadness over the loss of such an important relationship.

Hey utna, Right, she is wounded, yet her problems are beyond what you can handle, which was the same situation for me.  Your sadness over losing an important r/s is understandable.  Concerning your guilt, it's doubtful whether anything you did or didn't do would have made a difference, so I wouldn't describe your inability to help as a "failure."  Instead, I would suggest that BPD defies lasting solutions.

LJ

[once removed]

what did she blame you for?

[utnapishtim428]

Been a while since I responded here but my conversation with my xuBPDw today gave me some inspiration to answer your question "What does she blame me for?"

Seemingly, everything.

Some background:

Today she sort of ambushed me with a call about filing our taxes jointly (we can't file jointly for a year in which we got divorced, even if we were married for the majority of it). Then she started asking some personal questions and I tried to steer the conversation away from it but it didn't work... .needless to say, I didn't do a good job of enforcing my boundaries (I feel so dumb when I let myself get tricked/manipulated into telling her things about my personal life).

Specifically, the things she blamed me for today:

1. Abandoning her at the end of our marriage (I sort of did do that... .I followed the advice I was given by books and professionals, saying to make a clean break and not to dwell on explanations. I feel horrible about that but I don't see how it could have gone any other way. She wants closure but no amount of explaining seems to make a difference).

2. Lying to her throughout our marriage (I did do that... .because any time I told the truth it ended up turning into an argument).

3. Ruining her chances of having children - She wasted her time on me.

4. Not fighting for our relationship.

5. Turning our friends and family against her (the majority of them stopped talking to her when she aired all of her grievances on facebook, and showed up at a group event that she thought I would be at and angrily confronted all of our friends for continuing to talk to me).

6. Moved on too quickly from her (I let it slip that I'm dating someone now... .).

So... .I have to re-establish boundaries with her again and return to text-only contact. I also had a hard time not talking about it when I came home and it sort of put a damper on my evening with my gf. Luckily these episodes are fewer and further between than they were.

[Lucky Jim]

So... .I have to re-establish boundaries with her again and return to text-only contact. I also had a hard time not talking about it when I came home and it sort of put a damper on my evening with my gf. Luckily these episodes are fewer and further between than they were.

Hey Utna, Right, you have to be the one to establish the boundaries.  Maybe you could go to email-only contact?  Why ruin your evening by taking her call?  You don't need to participate in a blame-fest.  Those are her issues, not yours, so don't carry those rocks in your backpack!

LuckyJim

[once removed]

if its closure she wants, and shes struggling to detach, it is most likely that she wants to hear some variation of this:

the relationship ending was my fault. i didnt deserve you. you deserve better.

likely, when she argues with you, shes on some level trying to convince you of that, and also struggles with any alternative. on some level, shes probably trying to convince herself of that.

want the arguing to stop? dont put her in the corner, so to speak. give her your best, truest version of the above.

youll feel better, too.

[utnapishtim428]

Thanks for the responses!

Once Removed, I’m sort of confused as to what you mean. Give her the best, truest version of what?

The way it reads, it sounds like I should just say everything was my fault and see if that will move things on? I sorta tried that before .

[once removed]

The way it reads, it sounds like I should just say everything was my fault and see if that will move things on? I sorta tried that before .

yes and no. im not suggesting you say "everything was my fault", or to admit to anything that isnt true.

a person in her position wants, more than anything, redemption, and to save face. i am suggesting that on some level, you can give her that.

I sorta tried that before

what happened?

[utnapishtim428]

Usually if I admit to one thing, several other things are brought up that I was wrong about. Admitting that I had some codependency problems means that everything else was my problem too.

So if I say “yes, I was dishonest.” Then her whole current state is problematic because of that: she can’t move on because she has trust issues because of me.

She has become increasingly antagonistic lately... .today she texted me and told me not to tell anyone else anything about her business. That she knows I’m dating someone and that she knows who it is because someone told her (I’ve very deliberately avoided letting her or anyone else that may associate with her being aware of those kinds of things). So... .one of like 3 people that I’ve confided in, that I didn’t think would talk to her and that I thought I could trust, were obviously talking to her.

I feel like I’m just a big trigger for her no matter what I do and that the only way she’ll be happy at all is if she’s as far away from me as possible. The trick is getting her to do that... .

[Barnabus]

Sounds like the typical r/s with a pwBPD. You avoid talking about things that are problematic (the truth) because it gets turned back on you, and turns into a fight. The only way to make peace is to apologize for whatever (probably something you didn't even do). This is in and of itself a lie. So you sweep it under the rug.

So, since they won't accept ANY of the responsibility for the failed relationship, to go to them and admit it was all your fault would be like the Queen Mother of lies. Kinda like sweeping Mt. Everest under the rug.

Talk about a rock and a hard place. This is life with and after a r/s with a pwBPD.

Good luck. I'm in much the same place as we speak. I'm certainly open to any ideas.

B

[utnapishtim428]

haha yeah... I didn't realize it was so typical until I started posting here. You bring up a good point that admitting fault in instances when I didn't do anything wrong would be even worse... I bet a lot of my guilt still stems from exactly that; admitting fault when it really wasn't me. It still makes me feel deceitful.

I'm a little more than a year out of my marriage with my uBPDxw. I'm hoping this keeps getting better. Sometimes I look back on where I was a year ago and it is pretty amazing how far I've come. I used to think about her and how I failed her every day. I can't remember where I read/heard this but someone described the feeling of grief after a relationship like waves crashing on a beach. At first they seem unrelenting and you think you're going to drown in them. Then gradually they become fewer and further between. The waves still show up every now and then but it's a lot more manageable now.

Not sure how far along you are, Barnabus, but I wish you well on your journey!