I feel exhausted and find myself thinking about leaving the relationship

[TAMA]

Hello - I am so grateful to have found this site and the resources on BPD. My partner of 25 years has always been ‘difficult ‘ and I have never been able to work out what to do. I am now at the point where I feel exhausted and find myself thinking about leaving the relationship. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. But this site is showing me there are other options besides leaving or staying and nothing changing. The challenge for me is that he is ‘not that bad’ - he has issues of anger and insecurity especially in relation to our two sons. He is irrational and needy in many ways described in the walking on eggshells book. But never violent although sometimes scary verbally ( not threatening). Talking with him is so hard and I end up confused and stuck. We have been to a couple of counselors together one of whom said to me afterwards he is bipolar.
He is very high functioning but has conflict in most areas in his life. I am mostly just really tired of it. Our two children are amazing and very emotionally intelligent but in reading this material I think we all need a different approach.

For me I am not sure if I have the energy to stay and work in this. I fear leaving because of what I think it might do him and because I love him and don’t  want to hurt him. And I fear staying because I cannot see how things will be different t in the future and I am tired.
Thank you for listening

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What material here have you found helpful and how do you see yourself applying it? How old are your sons?

[Radcliff]

Let me join Turkish in welcoming you.  Though your exhaustion and thoughts of leaving are very understandable and familiar to many of us, I see reasons for optimism in your post.  You love him and have done work to understand his condition.  You see positive aspects of your situation, even among the negatives.  For now, relieve yourself of the burden of making a decision about the relationship.  You can learn coping tools here that can make the situation better.  Work on that first, and give yourself permission to put off decisions on the relationship while you work on improving the situation to see what potential is there.

Can you describe a situation in your daily family life that most concerns you?  If we can get into some details on it, we can help you work on using the coping tools to improve things.  You strike me as someone who could really run with things and get some mileage out of the tools.

RC

[TAMA]

thank you for your reply and for your message of hope. I read the walking on eggshells book and that connected me to this site.
Our sons are 19 (no longer at home) and 16. There are so many daily conflicts to describe, many of them seem minor but they build on each other.  My partner and our 16 year old are in conflict so much of the time - our son says ' I don't understand - dad says I cause all this conflict between us but I don't have conflict with anyone else - not with you, not with my brother, not with my friends. I don't know what to do". He says he feels like his dad hates him. His dad is incredibly needy of attention from him and feels ( he says) constantly rejected. He says he is motivated by love and care but also has expectations that he has the right to have met.
I have talked to him over many years about this and have tried so many different things, going to counsellors together, putting clear boundaries in place and telling him I will not support his behaviour when I think it is inappropriate ( and intervening when that is the case). I know that what I do is not always helpful but I dont know what else to do.
It is difficult to describe how he behaves, it is often not overt, and not like many of the extreme behaviours described by others, but it takes an extreme toll. It is often shouting ( and when challenged " I'm not shouting" or " this is just how I am , you need to accept it" or 'sulking' - silent treatment to everyone, extreme reaction to something eg when he asks our son to pass him something and he does not do it in the "right way" he will say something like " what did you just do?'  . What he wants is not clear. And then he will either withdraw or leave the room or sit there and cry. We definitely feel like we are ' walking on eggshells' around him and are wary and try to work out his mood which will affect all of us. I try to not let this create the whole mood for all of us but this is really tricky, if he is sitting there at the table with his head in his hands or fuming or silent and angry or talking without stopping and saying ' don't interrupt me' and talking sometimes for an incredibly long time. I try to just talk to others but it feels false and doesnt really work. I know so much of what I do is enabling and it really resonated when I read about the needs that can never be met, that feels very true for him. My own issues include feeling trapped by neediness so I have thought about this as my reactions perpetuating the dynamic between us but I think that the approaches here of clear communication ( I won't leave you but I will not stay here while you are behaving like this) could be very helpful

He articulates that he is unhappy , sometimes very unhappy, and sometimes feels hopeless but is in no way open to any professional help and totally rejects 'labels' ( this is an issue for him). If I said to him I think this material could be useful for him he would be so angry. I have always puzzled over why he is so difficult, there are no 'obvious' reasons, but i have had no success really ever in helping him or me or our children through all of this.

I think because he is so high functioning people this makes it harder to tackle. His behaviour is visible to lots of other people too though , it is not just 'in private'.

anything that you can suggest would be so gratefully received.

thank you

[Radcliff]

The biggest lesson for us is that we can't change the other person's behavior, we can only control our own.  It may seem like the opposite of what you want to hear, but once we turn that corner, we realize that we actually get major payback working on our own behaviors, versus endless frustration hoping for the other person to change.

In order to be successful in a relationship with a pwBPD, we have to have both a large amount of empathy as well as strong boundaries.  If you can model this for your son, and coach him on it, it will likely do him a lot of good.  It will help you both if you can see your partner as someone dealing with serious interpersonal limitations.  I'm not sure how to get that message across to a teenager in a way that's respectful to your partner, but that's the idea.  Understanding that helped me to take my pwBPD's behaviors less personally.  They still were disappointing and upsetting, but the injury felt less personal, which helped.  I think making this shift could be very important to your son's healthy development, and could allow him to reconnect more with his dad later, sooner than otherwise.

Boundaries are important.  This is tough for a teenager, but if he doesn't learn them, he'll re-enact the problems in his later relationship.  The best first step is for you to get a handle on them.  It sounds like you're getting part of it -- for example, if he is yelling, rather than taking it or storming off, you can excuse yourself, and say something like, "What you're saying is important to me, and I want to be a good listener, but am too upset right now.  I'm going to go fold laundry for 20 minutes to calm down, and I'll be right back."

Is that something you have tried?  Could it be useful?  Are there other areas where his behavior towards you is upsetting that you'd like to work on?

RC

[once removed]

hi TAMA,

are you seeing a counselor or therapist yourself? especially when we couple it with changing our approach, after the drama starts to reduce and our partners notice the changes weve made, how its benefited us, and the relationship, they sometimes follow our lead, and want to get healthier and improve on the relationship themselves.

[TAMA]

thank you again to those who replied. I have been away camping ( and away from internet  - and my partner as well) for the last week so have not had a chance to reply. I have decided that - as suggested -  I will find a therapist for me to work with (although I live in a small town and I know from previous experience that this will be challenging - I may try and connect with someone in another place by skype?) . In the meantime I will keep connected with this group, so good to know I am not alone, and focus on trying to work things out not avoid them because I feel like it is all too hard. thanks again

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you were able to go camping and have some time away.  That's great news that you will seek a therapist.  To be successful you are going to need several sources of support.  I'd encourage you to keep an active thread on the boards here so you can work through the coping tools.  Climbing the learning curve on them is a two steps forward, one step backward thing, where the support of peers, including those who are farther ahead in the process, will be game-changing for you.

It sounds like you'd done a bit of reading on the site.  What did you find that felt most useful so far?

RC

[TAMA]

some of the tools - like boundaries - and acknowledgement and empathy. But tonight all my intentions went out the window, my partner returned ( we have both been away in different places and have had 2 weeks apart). I felt strong and clear but very quickly he started conflict with our son and was controlling, angry, slamming doors - and saying this was about him not being respected and his needs not being met. ( The context was that our son is in the middle of moving rooms and so was surrounded by 'stuff' which he was sorting through - in my view in a very organised way and within the room - ie not impacting on any one else in the house. My partner came and immediately criticised and demanded that he needed to be involved in, consulted about and included in everything. the room move has been discussed for a long time so this was not a surprise for him. I was not able to acknowledge his needs or pain , I just felt so angry and still do. The house had been so lovley before he came home. And then people came over for dinner and the expectation was that we would just all be 'normal'. I think that I don't want this, I don't have the energy or compassion - I feel like life should not be so difficult.       in saying this alot of our life is very easy and positive and we share many good things - and the level of abusive behaviour is 'low' - but it is exhausting . ... .

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry things have been so tough.  The scene you describe sounds difficult and upsetting.  How have things gone in the last couple of weeks?

RC