Life is for the living

[Copycat2018]

Dear Reader,

I am fairly new and have posted twice before... one of my concerns as i am going through this experience is how do i live my life?
How do i not walk on eggshells? How do i do what i want to do, say what i want to say? Is it an illusion that at your home you should be fairly free to say as you like? To eat what you want? Etc... ? How do you do that when you are constantly trying to avoid crisis?
My hb is an uBPD and he has OCD also.
It is also my opinion that not dealing with his own issue he is practically not living his life. What do you think about that?
He is unemployed and does not want to go out and find a job. It appears to be a life long problem for him although he was employed when i met him and in the first half of our marriage.
He is very capable but low functioning, he thinks highly even too highly of himself but has no trust that he could be hired or even start a business of his own... .
Go figure.
I appreciate you reading this. Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

The questions you are asking get to the heart of something that many members struggle with.  How do we work with our pwBPD, how do we support them and improve our relationships, without losing ourselves?  Where do we bend, and where do we hold firm?

Are there areas where you are bending, sacrificing, that feel uncomfortable to you?  Where you wonder if you are giving too much?

RC

[Copycat2018]

I ate some humble pie since i posted. I am not without problems myself. In fact my life seems to be a continuos climb out of a deep dark hole i just do not know when i fell into it. Before i was born or sometime after it?

[Radcliff]

What problems do you feel are most getting in your way now?

RC

[Copycat2018]

My uBPD used to break down around the holidays, last year for example he threw out all of our thanksgiving food, even took the turkey out of the oven and threw it away. I was in constant fear of these breakdowns and became somewhat desensitized to them because i just had to hold my job and do what needed to mainating a minimal existance and survive.

 This recent thanksgiving and the xmas season we got thru without him breaking down although on the edge sometimes.

 Last weekend he became angry, i think i might have referred somehow to the fact that he is not working and he became very angry with me.

I do not know what the process might be inside of him and would like to know: at times he tells me that i ruined everything. He becomes very angry and agitated and throws hurtful names at me, says rude things he would not take well himself and he loves to throw things out and destroy things at these times. This time it was the food i made. He told me to throw it out i upset him so much he could not eat it. Then he proceeded to the pantry and started throwing out stuff the he deemed unnecessary or old. It seemed that he wanted a reaction out of me and the day before when his upset started he did not get reaction out of me.

There is always a high point to his escalation and this time he reached it on the second day only, so this was new.
Usually he goes from zero to 100 mph in a couple of minutes.
However as i read advice here and also saw myself that reacting just makes him more furious i started lately to not allow myself to get angry and respond to him.

It all is  very draining to me and most of all makes me feel incredibly sad. He refuses to get help of any kind and i almost startfeeling the weight of him treating me like this for years. It is just very very saddening.

[ortac77]

Copycat

Hi,

You ask a good question 'how do you live your life?'

In my experience it is not easy when living with a pwBPD, as my therapist has reminded me many times BPD=Chaos, perhaps the point being that they struggle to live their lives without it - its an illness that leads to self-sabotage and if we are in a relationship we too easily become caught up in the chaos and sabotage.

The problem for us 'nons' is how do we disengage from that chaos and it is a very difficult thing to do. There are many techniques explored on this site and they do work however we are human too and I know for me I have to disengage and pursue my own interests ad hobbies and make sure that I get support from others because support from a pwBPD is intermittent at best and non existent quite often.

He tells you "you ruined everything" - well I have heard that one many times and I know its projection, after all his family ruined everything before I came along. Food thrown out - yup seen that one - Christmas dinner a few years ago thrown into the garden. Answer is now I don't cook for him, I cook for myself - his choice what and if he eats. He is locking himself away from me at the moment (and I think consoling himself with booze as well) because I won't argue and fight and I refuse to react to any of his accusations (all quite ridiculous).

He does want a reaction, and sometimes it's very difficult not to react but that usually only escalates matters and results in greater upset, it is a roller coaster and you are the one who has the choice to get off. You need as Radcliff has said to think through what is causing your sadness because you do have a right (duty to yourself) to live your life.

Do you have friends or family that you could confide in?

Ortac

There is support here and I found that I needed a lot of support to start making healthy choices for me.

[Copycat2018]

Hi,

Thank you for your answer. It helps to hear that someone else experienced this kind of behavior because until lately i was not aware at all and just could not understand what was goingon.

Unfortunately ido nothave family close, his brother lives close but i was cautious not to share too much with him since they are very close so i know whose alliance is more important to him.
I also think that their whole family was traumatized because i saw signs of strange behaviors in all his siblings.

I have a brother who lives far away but icould share these episodes with him. He was also in a lot of therapy so he has a lot of education and understanding of human psychology.

In fact after my reports it was my brother who raised the idea of BPD and surely it fit my experience.

I feel compassion for both myself and my BPD right now. He is trying hard to stay afloat and i think that  him bottleing up his feelings and keeping them under control instead of bringing all things out to the light really hurts him.

I picture him being in water holding a big ball ( that contains his bad experiences) under the water. This is an exhausting thing to do.

I think there is a shame element that does not allow him to get into therapy, also we cannot afford the exorbitant prices.  So the cheap thing that i do includes you being taped etc. i am a private person but i do it and am brutally honest anyways. He is not willing to do that and i can see why.

So there are more then enough obstacles here.

He used to drink heavily when young and his dad was an alcoholic so he has to keep that under control also.

With the shame based family he is from,w ith the trauma he probably experienced, with him keeping all this under control including his desire to drink alcohol, i think at times, when more balanced : the question is not "why" he would be this way but " why not"?

[Radcliff]

I think there is a shame element that does not allow him to get into therapy, also we cannot afford the exorbitant prices.  So the cheap thing that i do includes you being taped etc. i am a private person but i do it and am brutally honest anyways. He is not willing to do that and i can see why.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand this part.

Your original question was about not being able to live your own life.  What is the way in which you feel most blocked from living your own life?

RC

[Copycat2018]

Hi, thank youfor your response. I was not able to find my wayto the posting and your response for a long time.

In the highlighted piece you are asking what i mean, i mean the therapy that i do, with a would-be trainee therapist a young woman who does not seem to know or understand much about life and also does not seem to notice in the " flow" of my narrative during the sessions where there might be something to flag, to stop me and ask about it and build another perspective with me that would enable me to ... .live mylife a little better and more.
This therapy session also is taped every time which is one of the reasons my Hb who came once, would not do it... .

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
What is it that i am missing?

The most important thing is building intimacy, closeness... .
How can you do that when this person every few weeks destroys what had been built?
Hurls insults on you, brings up things against you that you told him trusting him?
After  all that refuses to take any responsibility in  causing the damage and faults you for all bad things?

It appears at this time that i can not trust him at all. He will turn on me, literally at any time.

Another thing i am missing is to talk freely in myown house.
My Hb BPD has far right views , lots of hatred of lots of other people and i am simply not that kind of person. If i was i would not tolerate him i am afraid so this relationship probably would not exist.
He expects me to share his views and does not tolerate another view. He gets extremely agitated and even loud and violent.
I was once watching a movie ( made by Americans) about some south Americans who decided to go north in desperation from their village to seek a better life from Ms 13 and he got so agitated that these people were portrayed as victims of their circumstances and they tried to come to America, etc... .that he started to yell and scream, started breaking up things in the house and just go totally crazy.

One time i took him to a performance of a famous black dance company from NYC and he stood up in the middle of the performance and left stating " this is s... ."____". I stayed till the end and made clear i did not agree with him, but could not really enjoy the performance for the rest of the time, or even before.

So, that is another thing, we can not see performances, he has no appreciation.

Thank you if you read this.

[Steps31]

Hello,
I was drawn to your subject title because I was thinking that same thing today.
Life is for the living... .

I used to be accused all the time of perceived glances and advances towards other women, and no matter how much I would try to argue the contrary and defend myself, it did no good. Sadly, I didn't have the tools and knowledge that this board is built around. Basically, I felt like I was being scrutinized and persecuted for just living. If an attractive girl was to cross my path, in my line of sight, or even just be on a screen, I was in trouble.

I think I'm coming to understand that she wasn't gonna change. I would have had to be the one to change how I interpret and react to her impulses and to live life according to my values.

[Copycat2018]

Hello Steps 31,

That is exactly it. Their behaviour inspiring a change, a positive change in the other person, thinking about what  i can do to change and better something: Be stronger then i had been!
Be well! Best to You!

[Steps31]

You too, friend