I could be brushing my teeth and told I'm holding the toothbrush the wrong way

[Depression = 72% of members]

An eye roll. A comment about weight. Sarcastic tone. An under the breath comment. Surprise at something going well. Criticism. Correcting. Left handed "compliments." It goes on and on. Any one of them alone, you could shrug off, but it is constant, adding up, and taking a toll on me.

The DEARMAN and the not JADING generally work for the big meltdowns, and there are  the over-arching issues like money and sex that I know require careful attention. Right now though, I'm having the hardest time with these daily put downs that are draining my energy and making me feel bad.  "Please stop" doesn't work. Fire with fire doesn't work. Ignoring doesn't work. A heart to heart discussion doesn't work. Applying the Dearman etc. techniques seems like overkill for "stop slouching." They are at the point where they are over truly nothing but these aggressions go on and on, and sometimes, when it seems like it has eased, they up come out of the blue when my guard is down, and I'm even less prepared to respond.   I could be brushing my teeth and be told I'm holding the toothbrush the wrong way. "Who holds a toothbrush like that?"  

I don't have the energy to draw a line in the sand or have a big discussion over the toothbrush. But this is getting to me. Any suggestions?

[lenfan]

An eye roll. A comment about weight. Sarcastic tone. An under the breath comment. Surprise at something going well. Criticism. Correcting. Left handed "compliments." It goes on and on. Any one of them alone, you could shrug off, but it is constant, adding up, and taking a toll on me.

The DEARMAN and the not JADING generally work for the big meltdowns, and there are  the over-arching issues like money and sex that I know require careful attention. Right now though, I'm having the hardest time with these daily put downs that are draining my energy and making me feel bad.  "Please stop" doesn't work. Fire with fire doesn't work. Ignoring doesn't work. A heart to heart discussion doesn't work. Applying the Dearman etc. techniques seems like overkill for "stop slouching." They are at the point where they are over truly nothing but these aggressions go on and on, and sometimes, when it seems like it has eased, they up come out of the blue when my guard is down, and I'm even less prepared to respond.   I could be brushing my teeth and be told I'm holding the toothbrush the wrong way. "Who holds a toothbrush like that?"  

I don't have the energy to draw a line in the sand or have a big discussion over the toothbrush. But this is getting to me. Any suggestions?

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[once removed]

there arent really techniques for getting someone to stop giving negative comments, beyond asking them, politely, to stop. it sounds like a personality thing, on her end... .some people are just critical. she could be looking for a reaction. she could be projecting her discomfort. she could just lack tact. you know her, do you think any of those might be the case?

can you give us one specific example, involving the back and forth... .what led up to it, what she said, what you said or did in response.

additionally, what has happened in the past when you tried "please stop" or explained why the criticisms bugged you?

[CryWolf]

Hey lenfan, sorry for what youre enduring.

Once Removed asked some key questions. Please follow up when you can. 

[lenfan]

I'll use this morning as an example . . .

   Me: Rubbing my itchy eyes as I wake up.

   W: Eww, what are you rubbing your eyes for? Do you always have to be rubbing your eyes? Gross. Cut that out. Sigh.

    Me: (Grunt as I get my bearings)

    W: Storms out of room in a huff.

    Me:( Sigh, get dressed, move on with day.)

Like I said before, standing alone this is nothing, but it is constant and getting worse. I call it death by 10,000 paper cuts.  Last night, I was chewing too loudly at dinner. 

She is a generally negative and critical person, from a negative and critical foo, but the worst of her negativity and criticism it is directed at me. (I was idealized a long, long time ago.)

A "Please stop" will be either ignored, or actually mocked. . . "OOhh poor baby can't take a joke/ criticism/ thinks he's always right." An angry response from me, which is rare , may quiet her down a for a little bit after an initial escalation, but she just pushes it further the next time.

Then, she can abruptly be normal, my guard gets lowered, and on comes the next criticism that I don't know how to respond to. Let's take the chewing too loudly incident last night  for example. We had been having a pleasant conversation for a little bit before she turned. Inside, in the course of a few seconds, I feel a mix of anger, sadness, bewilderment, shame (maybe I do chew too loudly?) and an odd sort of smugness with the thought that "she's really messed up." The angry part of me wants to throw my dinner at the wall and storm out. I repress that. I grunt and swallow my food, while I feel acid reflux coming on. Having some kind of conversation next that involves me validating her sensitivity to noises, expressing my need to be spoken to like an adult, and expressing some kind of boundary with what is acceptable criticism at dinner, just seems too daunting, especially for something that is relatively minor, compared to the bigger issues. It seems daunting because it is a lot of work with no guaranteed results and I'm just plain tired, especially at dinner after a long day.  I just grunt and take it. Mostly, I feel tired.

[once removed]

Having some kind of conversation next that involves me validating her sensitivity to noises

that might be validating the invalid

expressing my need to be spoken to like an adult,

that might be more effective in another time, over time, and with more finesse. like in good times, times of calm, where youre having one of those talks (do you have those talks?) about the status of your relationship, or the things you like about each other, the areas youd like to improve.

and expressing some kind of boundary with what is acceptable criticism at dinner,

you can do that all day long, and she can ignore it all day long, and simply restating it multiple times would just tell her to take it less and less seriously. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

how does she respond to gentle teasing/ribbing in general?

[isilme]

Ignoring doesn't work

Does it not work as a tool to "make" her stop, or as a tool to let it bother you, less?

I know the constant poking and prodding and minor criticisms war you down.  I work really hard at just ignoring them mostly because I see they are just a symptom of my husband not being able to cope with something bother HIM, that often has NOTHING to do with me... .he just can't handle it, and so his coping mechanism is to goad me into a fight so he can vent. 

Knowing this makes it easier to just not respond as much as possible to things that don't really deserve a response.  Rubbing my eyes?  No response needed.  I hate mornings and wake up feeling like crap, he hates mornings and wakes up feeling like crap, the less said by either of us, the better.  Medium chill/bland/boring/ yes, dear/uh-huh/ responses are sometimes all that's needed if you can't get by with nothing at all. 

Since we can't make them change, and can only really affect ourselves, we have to work on choosing when and what affects us.  Trust me, 23 years into this, I know it's not easy.  And the more tired I am, the less good my health is, the more difficult it is to listen to a constant stream of negative comments about me, the world, people we know, everything under the sun.  All we can do is accept they are allowed to have their emotions, we do not need to share, agree with, or take part in them. 

[lenfan]

ONCE R:

I agree that might be validating the invalid.

A calm talk at quieter times is better. We have had those talks but they don't seem to have a longlasting effect. Old behaviors re-establish pretty quickly.

The link was helpful, thanks.

She is inconsistent with regard to ribbing. Sometimes she is a very good sport, other times takes offense at nothing. Hard to tell how she will react at any given time.

ISILME:

Ignoring doesn't work as a tool to make her stop. It makes me feel a little better than would engaging in an argument or thinking about it, but she is hard to ignore.

I'm about 23+ years into this relationship also, and only about 2 into knowing about BPD. Knowledge and a degree of acceptance helps, as does knowing I'm not alone in this.   

[once removed]

She is inconsistent with regard to ribbing. Sometimes she is a very good sport, other times takes offense at nothing. Hard to tell how she will react at any given time.

i ask because i dont generally recommend sarcasm and passive aggression in relationships, but a little light hearted teasing can ease tension.

for example, my ex might be critical, id look at her as if to say "i dont want to hear it", and say "you pick your nose." or some other thing. shed laugh, and shed drop it. that wont work every time or solve everything.

i think the key is, picking up a bit on what isilme said, is responding in a way, with maturity, that doesnt tell her shes gotten under your skin. she just ups the ante when that happens.

Old behaviors re-establish pretty quickly.

consistency is key. this wont be easy to nip in the bud, as you said, shes kind of a critical person. old habits are hard to break. have you tried, when old behaviors reestablish, something like "we talked about this, and we were on the same page. can we work together here and help each other on this?"

[isilme]

and only about 2 into knowing about BPD

Hey, you're working on re-wiring 2 decades of pre-programed responses in both of you.  You're on the right track. 

BPD seeks to make us handle the emotions they can't.  They feel irritated themselves, they need to blame it on someone else,  They can't stare into that abyss that is themselves.  We are essentially prosthetic emotional processing appendages for them in some respects.  If you look at it as a disability, and the BPD means the emotional processing organ is in some state of failure, I find it helps me not get as easily upset. 

Also, if they are in a bad mood, and we are relatively okay, it's invalidating to them.  They need to drag us down to feel their own emotions are acceptable.  Hence the poking and nagging.

"Don't you dare have a good day when I'm mad at something vague and undefinable within me.  I'll make it your fault so I can feel justified in my bad mood."

We can't "fix" their emotions, or make them not have them.  Believe me, I hate days when H is in a sour mood, and he spends all day trying to bring me into his sphere of unhappy.  I grew up codependent with 2 BPD parents, and have a hard time allowing myself to not share or fix others' emotions so I can give myself permission to be okay. 

In a way, my desire for H to stop nagging and be in a better mood is a bit selfish, I just want him ok so I don't feel guilty over not trying to fix it, and so I can go about my own day without worrying about his.

I have to put boundaries around myself and my emotions, and repeat to myself "he can have his emotions.  I can have mine.  he can be mad, I don't have to be mad. It's not about me, he just can't internalize things and has to shout about them to process them, etc."

Our programmed responses feel "normal", but are often just like pouring gas on a fire.  If you want to respond to her poking at you, you are letting the BPD get to you, and also pouring gas on the fire - it gives the BPD the feedback it wanted.  If you withhold that response and give bland, medium chill "grey rock" responses, the BPD doesn't know what to do, and she has to process her emotions in a new way, and you are setting a simple, unspoken boundary to protect your emotions. 

[SciNerd]

I love isilme's response here.

You are so not alone in this! The constant criticism wears on your demeanor, taking a piece of yourself away bit by bit. My mother criticizes anything from my fiance's character to how I dress to go to Walmart. Those with BPD are just so empty inside, they have to lash out. Knowing this still doesn't make it any easier to deal with each and every day. I respond to the nasty words and usually get "You're so sensitive I can't say anything to you anymore you just take it as a diss". I think taking care of yourself, seeking refuge with friends, colleagues and positive people can help. It's so easy to start believing you're worthless with the daily put downs... .so you have to put time into making yourself happy.

[pleasehelptexas]

reading the threads is helpful because I am able to see how common very similar traits are among people.  I am familiar with the constant negative comments about insignificant things.  I am always holding my fork wrong, or cutting meat incorrectly, or paying my bills wrong (by check) instead of electronic etc. etc. etc...   Never ending.     Another thread talks about an individual having to hide talking to their kids, and my BPD has even accused me of having intercourse (using a different word of course) with my daughter.  It's truly bizarre the things that come out of her mouth!  The constant, constant gas lighting and changing / manipulation of facts is probably the worst by far though.   She complains I don't trust her and its ruing our relationship -  but then does a bunch of stuff completely dishonest yet maintains the premise she is innocent of all.   

[Vexed]

Yeah, I think your out of luck on this one.  I think the negative comments is the core of the BPD personality. 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I always attributed the comments to making sure our (their partner) self-esteem remains in the gutter. 

But yeah, it's truly amazing the stuff they will criticize.  Speaking of toothbrushes my ex loved to criticize me for my manual toothbrush.

My favorite is also when they tell you to change or do something differently and if I thank her and say she was right. I get " I TOLD YOU! Why don't you ever listen to me".  I'm like I just did?

[lenfan]

Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories. They all helped. This morning I was told at breakfast that my diet is terrible (toast and orange juice), I'm gaining weight, I interrupted a TV show with a comment so she had to go back to the beginning, and that I left ft my 20 year old daughter in the car to freeze while I got something (Hello, she's 20 and the heater is on.) Sometimes it is so bad it's laughable, so I just come here and have a laugh with you all and gain some insight.   Thanks.