Regrets

[FaithHopeLove]

I love my son to no end but knowing what he suffers I sometimes regret having brought him into this world. It was not what I expected.  Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I'm ashamed to admit that, yes, I sometimes feel that way. DD is my second child and I've sometimes thought, "I should have stopped at one." It's a terrible thought and you are very brave to have posted your feelings, FHLKC.

That being said, this is the hand we were dealt - me, DD, her other family members, you... .all of us. I also am grateful -without DD, I would not have learned so much about myself, still learning. I would not have had the compassion I do now with others who have family members with mental illness. I would not have GS4, (DS28 is adamant about not having kids; I believe him!), I would not have the many fond memories of the three of us (me, DD, DS), my most precious to date being Tom Petty's last concert in 2017.

~ OH

[JNChell]

Hi, Faith. I can’t say that I truly understand the magnitude of what you’re feeling. My son is 4. His mother and I are not together and I believe that she presents with traits of BPD/NPD. I worry about what the future will bring.

I imagine that the feelings that you’re experiencing are very hard to cope with. Are you exhausted? Maybe even depressed? I’ve not read your backstory. Would you be ok with rehashing a condensed version in this thread?

You know, it’s perfectly ok to feel regret and doubt within these situations. I don’t know how a person couldn’t experience these feelings when in the trenches of BPD. What I can tell you is that you’re in very good hands here. This place is the best resource available on the web for situations just like your’s.

If you’re comfortable in doing so, would you like to talk about what has you feeling this way recently?

[FaithHopeLove]

My DS24has BPD and he is addicted to cannabis and sells it illegally. He is getting evicted from his apartment and not doing much to find another one. He cannot live with us. Last time he did it was pure hell. I am so hurt and so frustrated and so angry.

[Lollypop]

Hi faithhopelove

Absolutely. Your feelings of anger, hurt and frustration are a big deal to you right now. I’m so very sorry your going having through this. I’ve felt exactly the same when my son was in his late teens and early 20s. The truth is we have an adult child who makes choices that we cannot understand and don’t like.

My son is now 28. At 24 I could not say one single good thing about him. He wouldn’t find a job, smoked skunk, popped codeine, and felt the world owed him a favour. I was ashamed, resentful and did not like him, not one bit - yet, I loved him. It was confusing to me. We are in a much better place now. He’s functioning, working and paying his bills - living nearby.

My first step was to learn about BPD. I got reading. I understood he couldn’t help the way he behaved. I slowly accepted that I could not make him change.

I’m going to repeat that. I cannot change him.

Acceptance of that situation brings a peaceful calm. My feeling angry and resentment went. It’s not his fault, and I can’t change him. My feeling of sadness of my situation was longer lived.

We have a choice. Be consumed with our feelings or take control over ourselves. We’ve been dealt a hard deal to cope with. Well, life’s no fair and the only choice we have is to deal with it. There’s the easy way - get the knowledge and skills that are available to you or the hard way and keep stuck on feeling the way you do. I don’t want to be harsh. This is our reality and it’s just horrible and soo exhausting.

So he’s not looking for a new place. Neither is mine! My son has to move out soon but the date has been put back but there’s escalating tensions with his landlady. I’m leaving him to it. It’s his life, he makes his decisions and will experience the co sequences of his inactions. I’ve offered my emotional and practical support to help find him a place but he hasn’t taken me up on it. I can’t do it for him. To behave like an adult, they must be treated like one.

What’s your plans when he gets evicted? It might be best to think about your own boundary and how that will be communicated when the time comes. We took our son back at 24 so I know how you’re feeling.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for responding LP. I agree with everything you said. Up until last week when DS was robbed at gunpoint in his apartment as a direct result of his illegal weed business things were going really well and I was feeling very very strong. Now I feel like I am back at square one. But when I think about it I know I am not. I have learned a lot about BPD and addiction and I am relating much better (in general not at the moment) with my son. My plans are like yours, to let him deal with this on his own. We already told him living with us is not an option. He lived with us for 3 years after dropping out of college and it turned out to be hell. We finally had to kick him out because he was selling weed out of our basement. He still earns most of his money that way although he also has a legal business selling sneakers. He was going to look at apartments with my husband but then he told my husband to leave him alone texting "I will just move back home." That is what set me off. My husband texted back saying "that is not an option. Let's go find an apartment for you " DS replied 'I love you too. Leave me alone." So that is what we are doing. He has already stayed in his apartment past the date (Jan 10) when his landlord told him he had to be out. But it will probably be some time before the marshal shows up and physically evicts him. So he has time. There are plenty of apartments around us available for rent and he has plenty of money. The problem is most are "smoke free" and he isn't. I hate that this is his life. I feel like I could deal with the BPD but the addiction plus the criminal and dangerous lifestyle are what has me so down. I am in therapy but had to skip a month because my T had to have a medical procedure. But I have a Skype session scheduled with her in a couple of weeks and then I will be back in regular weekly therapy. I am sure that therapy plus Alanon (DH and I are in a great group that accepts us even though DS's problem is mostly cannabis not alcohol) plus church plus this great group will help. I have tons of support. It's just freaking hard right now. I am so anxious and worried. Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate you.

[FaithHopeLove]

OH what you said about learning compassion (sorry I have a hard time excerpting from my phone) really helps. I am a theologian so I always look for meaning in things. I don't really believe God causes BPD or addiction. But I do believe God is with us as we struggle. Like you I am also learning a lot about myself and becoming more compassionate. I also find myself being way less judgmental and much more validating due to the skills I am learning. I am also growing spiritually. So maybe that is how God is working with me through this.

By the way, I mean no offense to others who may not believe in God. These are my beliefs and faith is very central to my identity. But I never push my beliefs onto others.

[Lollypop]

Hi faithhopelove

You’re doing great. You’ve set your boundary and setting up a strong support network. Go you girl!

We grow together

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

thanks, LP

[Isanni]

That sounds stressful. I would be worried that he's going to show up at my house - how to manage that interaction.
One helpful thing I've learned is to let go, let them manage their decisions and learn. However, it gets difficult when they ask for things that are inappropriate or causes others stress - at least it does when my daughter does.

[wendydarling]

I love my son to no end but knowing what he suffers I sometimes regret having brought him into this world. It was not what I expected.  Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Like you, parents here, I love my daughter unconditionally, to see my DD in unbearable pain in 2015 kicked me into gear big time, I will not lose her, we are both doing our best. It was such a shock, blew my mind. When I joined here I was hanging on by my finger tips and parents held me safely, with love.

If I had regrets, my DD is more than likely to feel that. Our children are sensitive, highly perceptive and this has been a lesson for me, to get on the same page as her, this is what she needed from me, to understand her BPD, life challenge, it's been a deep dig and I have done that here, I see you are too.

Your situation sounds similar to LP's. Drugs / BPD. You can reaffirm your boundary on drugs, firm and lovingly, AND positively work on your core relationship as you have been doing. 

Is your son a quiet pw BPD?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hope...]

’

Hello TO regrets,,

Im so sorry you feel that way. My only regret is not seeing that
m going to repeat that. I cannot change him./her... .

Acceptance of that situation brings a peaceful calm. My feeling angry and resentment went. It’s not his fault, and I can’t change him. My feeling of sadness of my situation was longer lived.
I am learning to love her at a distance... I never regret having giving her birth I love her but can understand... .I regret so many Christmas's and family holidays we had that i tried to be her mom and dad and now grandma and grandpa... She wontlet me be the grandma i want to be...
I am changing I want to... My regret is how it could be...
I had to call my counselor when I was first divorced in 2002 i was in counseling for my issues.
anyway I called her a few mos ago and she reminded me of all the good things i did when my ex and I split. That I stay and helped  and didn't run when I wanted to... >My  only... .regret... that it doesn't have to be this way. But as a woman of Faith I Believe the LORD led me here to get support and perhaps help others I hope... I will never give up on her or the kids... They are my family... I love them... and i want to be part of their lives... dysfunctional or not... they are mine and I love them...
Blessings to you all on here and thanks for being so honest. Im beginning to feel safe... and understood for the first time in a long time...
Hope

[Daisy123]

Hello FHL,

I, too, have had regrets. My DD has suffered so, my H and I have had one argument after another due to this illness. We have dire financial issues because of paying for therapy, meds, PHPs, IOPs. I’ve lost months of missed work staying home to make sure she didn’t hurt or worse, kill herself. I’ve been beaten up and have had thousands of dollars stollen from me along with thousands of dollars of damage to my home. DD turned over my mother’s China cabinet and all of her candlewick along with my wedding China ruined. Dozens of all nighters in the ER waiting for a bed to open up inpatient.

How could I not have regrets? Do I feel shame about this? Yes and no. Life has been a living hell since BPD emerged in my home.

I will not try and repress this emotion of regret- that is dangerous, adding more toxicity to an already toxic situation.

But regret is part of a much larger process. It’s all connected to the stages of grief. The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression lead to acceptance.

That’s my goal- to get to acceptance.

My DD was a lovely child, vibrant, loving with so much promise. I feel cheated. I feel she’s been cheated. And unlike you, I am angry at God, too. This is a brand new revelation, about a few months old.

 I can’t choose my feelings. But I do know trying to stuff or ignore them only makes shame grow in me.

So, yes, I get you.
And yes, I am concerned that my DD, who is like a sponge, will pick up on this feelings that comes and goes.
It’s just another ugly consequence of this illness.
Let’s be honest- no one would ever wish this illness on anyone, let alone their children.

I love my DD with all that I have and I am going to continue to do all that I can to ground myself and use the skills that could possibly promote change in our loved ones. We are supposed to acknowledge that the only one we can change is ourselves.  I work hard at learning to validate the valid, getting out of the drama triangle, implement SET, use wisemind all in hopes that she has space to heal and that there are moment of peace in my home. And my DD healing?  What will that mean? What will that look like? Will she get an education of some sort so that she can live independently? It’s all a crapshoot. But, even when regret makes its way back into my feelings, I am all in.

[FaithHopeLove]

I surely feel your pain, Daisy. I also share your commitment to be "all in." The truth is, I am all in too. My regrets are a passing thing. My love for my son is not. We never wished this on our children, but I have to believe love will somehow win in the end.

[wendydarling]

I will not try and repress this emotion of regret- that is dangerous, adding more toxicity to an already toxic situation.

But regret is part of a much larger process. It’s all connected to the stages of grief. The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression lead to acceptance.

That’s my goal- to get to acceptance.

So true Daisy123, we often revisit the different stages of grief.

Grieving Mental Illness in a Love One

[Feeling Better]

FHLKC, just like you, I like to believe that love will somehow win in the end. We all love our sons and daughters dearly and I hope that for each and every one of us, they all come to realise that one day.

FB x

[FaithHopeLove]

yes FB love will win. We must believe that.