How do I communicate my emotional needs without backlash?

[flyguy]

My uBPDw is dysregulating and I need some advice on how to proceed. A little bit of background... .

Two days ago, I received some good news regarding my job. My w was very excited and we celebrated for most of the day. Later that afternoon, my father called to just see how we were doing. In the course of the conversation, I revealed to him the good news. In the middle of explaining this on the phone, my w comes downstairs and starts to loudly berate me for sharing this information. Because of my shock at her reaction, I had to hang up the phone with my f and speak with her.


After I hung up the phone, she burst into tears and began to shout things at me like "How could you share that without asking me first? I wanted to hear what was said!" She also began to put down and attack me and my family. (I sensed extreme jealousy coming from her in regard to my relationship with my f. I speak with him on the phone every 2-3 days. My parents have seen her outbursts in the past and I'm not sure if that plays a part).

After yelling and running around the house for 20 minutes, she grabbed a shirt laying on the bed and hit me with it. I did not say a word during this episode; I finally got up and went upstairs to disconnect with what was happening. She then left the house for a few hours. After she came back, I tried to validate her by saying that I did not know that she did not want me to share this information. Naturally, this just added fuel to the fire and she told me that I should have ASKED her if she wanted me to share it. I tried to tell her that it did not cross my mind to ask her first and that I would try to remember to do this next time. She went so far to say that I "wounded her" by sharing this.

We did not speak the rest of the evening and only spoke once yesterday. I called her from work to see how she was. The first words out of her mouth were "Have you talked to your parents today?" I responded by saying, "Well, I spoke to my f earlier... ." *Click* I tried to call back and she would not speak to me the rest of the day. She is assuming I am speaking to him about the "good news" we received, but I was not. I do not get anyone involved in our realtionship.

We have not spoken this morning, but I would like to talk to her later this afternoon. I would like to share with her my emotional needs that have been compromised in this situation, without falling into JADE. My communication techniques up to this point have been failures.

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[stolencrumbs]

Hey flyguy,

It's always hard when you're caught off guard, and something that seems completely innocuous triggers a dysregulation.

My sense is that trying to communicate your needs right now is probably not going to work out. It seems like she is still pretty emotional, and so is unlikely to hear what you are trying to say. I'd think about saving that conversation for a time when things are more calm.

Do you have more thoughts on what the feelings behind the dysregulation are? From your description it seems like it might have triggered abandonment. From her perspective, maybe you left her out of this celebration. You two were experiencing it together, and then you took a call and left her out and shared that experience with someone else. Then when you say "I didn't know" and "it didn't cross my mind," she hears that you don't know not to abandon your wife, and it doesn't even cross your mind to not abandon her. Maybe that's the "wound." Does that sound like something she might be feeling? If so, you could try validating that feeling instead of saying you didn't know or you didn't think about it. I'm trying really hard to banish those phrases from what I say to my wife. They never seem to go over well.

[flyguy]

Hey flyguy,

It's always hard when you're caught off guard, and something that seems completely innocuous triggers a dysregulation.

My sense is that trying to communicate your needs right now is probably not going to work out. It seems like she is still pretty emotional, and so is unlikely to hear what you are trying to say. I'd think about saving that conversation for a time when things are more calm.

Do you have more thoughts on what the feelings behind the dysregulation are? From your description it seems like it might have triggered abandonment. From her perspective, maybe you left her out of this celebration. You two were experiencing it together, and then you took a call and left her out and shared that experience with someone else. Then when you say "I didn't know" and "it didn't cross my mind," she hears that you don't know not to abandon your wife, and it doesn't even cross your mind to not abandon her. Maybe that's the "wound." Does that sound like something she might be feeling? If so, you could try validating that feeling instead of saying you didn't know or you didn't think about it. I'm trying really hard to banish those phrases from what I say to my wife. They never seem to go over well.

Yes, I think you are totally correct. I will attempt to validate this in her when the timing is right. Thank you. My question is... .how should I proceed in speaking to her about her behavior towards me in a way that is non-threatening?

[stolencrumbs]

What, specifically, do you want to communicate to her? I probably don't have good suggestions, as I usually fail to avoid backlash myself, but specifics might enable the hive mind to give better input/advice.

[flyguy]

What, specifically, do you want to communicate to her? I probably don't have good suggestions, as I usually fail to avoid backlash myself, but specifics might enable the hive mind to give better input/advice.

I would like to communicate that the physical and emotional abuse is becoming too much for me to handle and that I would like it to stop. Whenever I try to communicate what I am feeling, my feelings are usually not acknowledged and instead she turns it on me. In other words, "If you wouldn't have done/said X, I would not have done/said Y." I feel like we just talk in circles and I never feel a sense of resolve (maybe this is just part of BPD?). We usually get frustrated with one another and go our separate ways, both feeling that one doesn't understand the other.


My frustration is that I feel like I am wearing myself out to try to acknowledge/validate her feelings at the expense of my own needs. I don't feel heard. I'd like to learn new techniques of how I can communicate with her without her being defensive. Any time I approach her about her behavior, she immediately gets defensive and feels like I am just trying to criticize her. I have read the article on "JADE" on this site and I do feel like that is part of my problem.

[once removed]

have there been other instances of physical abuse apart from hitting you with the shirt?

[flyguy]

have there been other instances of physical abuse apart from hitting you with the shirt?

Yes, there have been in the past.

[once removed]

SET and DEARMAN are two of the communication techniques taught here.

communication techniques, however, will not solve a domestic violence situation, and validation (an important life skill) is not a panacea for navigating conflict. these are tools for building on the positive in your relationship, and for not escalating conflict.

building on the positive and not escalating conflict is really the bread and butter when it comes to these relationships. its about leading your relationship into a healthier trajectory overall. there will be storms to weather, but ideally, they are less frequent, more resolvable, and we will be more resilient as they come.

we want to avoid the trap of validating the invalid. for example, if someone is screaming at you, or worse, its really not the time and place to say "i understand how you feel". invalidation, however, will naturally make matters worse, and thats easy to do when someone is in a dysregulated, hypervigilant state.

I did not say a word during this episode; I finally got up and went upstairs to disconnect with what was happening. She then left the house for a few hours.

a healthy time out can be a good tool to use when things have broken down like that. ideally, we take one before things get that far, but such a thing can be difficult to gauge. its important to know when and how to use one, and then in times of calm, to come back to the matter, and usually, primarily, do more listening than speaking.

After she came back, I tried to validate her by saying that I did not know that she did not want me to share this information. Naturally, this just added fuel to the fire and she told me that I should have ASKED her if she wanted me to share it.

this isnt validation, its a justification and explanation, which is fine in and of itself, except shes expecting you to read her mind, know her needs, understand how she feels, and even rectify it, so all she hears is that you cant do that. you cant and shouldnt necessarily do that. but together, you can get there. letting her talk, and explain herself, while you primarily listen and ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0), can go a long way toward making her feel heard, and that takes a lot of the steam out; potentially, she might even begin to see how absurd shes being and work things out for herself.

"Well, I spoke to my f earlier... ." *Click* I tried to call back

dont. hanging up on you is an immature response to conflict, and calling her back rewards it. at the very least, take it as face value that its better to talk later.

I would like to share with her my emotional needs that have been compromised in this situation, without falling into JADE.

i would strongly suggest you hold off on this for right now, because it will go over like a lead balloon. you want to signal that youre ready to talk (mostly listen) in a time of calm and constructively, but you dont want to chase her on this, you want to let her blow off steam and self soothe. then you want to primarily listen, ask validating questions, get a better feel for whats driving her here, and signal youve heard it (its good to summarize, in question form, what is bothering her). then say youd like some time to think about what shes said. take it. then in a time of calm, come back to it. we can help you prepare for that and how to go about it.

make sense?

how many incidents of DV have there been, and what was the nature of them?

[flyguy]

@onceremoved Yes, it makes a lot of sense! Thank you for your insight. I will look into the article you referenced. I agree that at times I will try to deescalate the argument by trying to validate her feelings and understand where she is coming from. But, it hasn't worked. We are still not speaking and she has been virtually no-contact with me today aside from a text asking me what time I would be home (I just got home and she isn't here).

Would you suggest I wait to bring up anything until she approaches me? In the past, I have been the one to bring up the tension in order to try to clear the air. I do my best to approach it from an understanding point of view, but it usually backfires.

In the last 5 years of marriage, there have been 8-10 DV situations, some more severe than others. Examples include punching, slapping, throwing things, and biting. They have all been due to dysregulation and because she is not getting her way or doesn't feel like her opinion is being heard. One instance was due to the rescheduling of a vacation and another because my family was going to arrive from out of town an hour earlier than expected (she expected me to make up an excuse for them not to come early). Another instance was because I had a job opportunity in a different state and we had a time table to get there. After a heated discussion, she told me that our life was "always about me" and that she would never be able to fulfill her dreams (keep in mind we had both already agreed this was a good opportunity and she would even have the ability to stay home and not work!). I have had to physically restrain her from coming at me before. I am at the place now that I try to leave the situation before it escalates to that point.

[once removed]

I agree that at times I will try to deescalate the argument by trying to validate her feelings and understand where she is coming from. But, it hasn't worked.

validation also takes practice to get the hang of, all the communication techniques do. one of the most common things youll read here is members saying their partner calls them on it, accuses them of sounding like a robot, or a therapist, or otherwise talking down to them. thats because the techniques arent meant to be used as scripts, and are most effective when they are natural and authentic. its like learning a new essay format. it feels really forced and stilted at first. the more you practice, the more you master it. practice the techniques with everyone in your life - theyre especially effective with a highly sensitive person, but they work with everyone.

Would you suggest I wait to bring up anything until she approaches me?

for the most part, yeah. im not one to encourage a cavalier or dismissive attitude, but neither do we want to take on everything, and always try to "make everything better". we need a willing partner in order to resolve conflict, that usually requires that both parties have self soothed, and your wife is signaling she isnt prepared to do that at the moment. on some level, its important to respect that.

In the last 5 years of marriage, there have been 8-10 DV situations, some more severe than others. Examples include punching, slapping, throwing things, and biting.

have you brought in a close outside force, like family (hers or yours), a DV resource, a mutual friend?

[flyguy]

have you brought in a close outside force, like family (hers or yours), a DV resource, a mutual friend?

Both of our families know that there has been DV. One instance earlier this year involved my family and my wife left me at my parents house for 2 weeks, while she took our car to her parents in a different state. It was during this time that I just had to "spill the beans" to my family. Up to this point, I tried to hide and protect her but I couldn't any longer. Her parents know there is an issue, but they give in to the behavior instead of standing against it. Major enablers. She idolizes her f and he always sticks up for her even when she acts out (including verbally attacking her mother).

[flyguy]

Sorry for the double post, but I feel I need to share this for my own sanity.

It is day 4 and still no communication (except when absolutely necessary). I am not intentionally giving her the cold shoulder (I still tell her "Good morning" and share with her when I'm leaving the house, etc). But, we are not really speaking to one another and we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. It seems so infantile to me that we are still at this place, but I don't feel like our conversation is going to be positive if we speak right now. A few minutes ago, I had to call her regarding an urgent question I had. She gave me a very brief answer and then after telling her "that was all that I needed... ." *CLICK*

I hope I am doing the right thing by giving her space, but I still feel like she thinks I need to come on my hands and knees to apologize for sharing this information with my family. Should I continue on as normal or should I approach her about this issue?

[once removed]

Should I continue on as normal or should I approach her about this issue?

i think its a personal call, a case of "you know her best".

how would you want to go about it?

[flyguy]

i think its a personal call, a case of "you know her best".

how would you want to go about it?

I'm not sure anymore. Almost to the close of day 5 and still having very minimal communication. I came home from work tonight and probably a total of 6 sentences have been spoken between us. She has been locked up in her room, watching Netflix all day, and pretending that I'm invisible. Do I feel like I could sit down with her and "smooth it over?' Sure. I could say what she "wants" me to say: "I am sorry for making you feel not included. I will try harder next time to be more considerate. Please forgive me." But, I'm just tired. I don't feel like I need to apologize. I feel abused. I've been down that road so many times and her side of the physical/emotional abuse will just fall by the wayside. There has been no remorse or acknowledgement of her words/actions toward me. Her silence just seems like a passive aggressive way for her to get what she wants out of me, like she is just WAITING for me to come crawling back to her.

I am hurting, but more from the YEARS of verbal abuse than just this one incident. Has this week be tough? Sure. But, everything piles up from these incidents and eventually you just feel empty.

I know so many others here can relate to the emotional roller coaster and it feels therapeutic for me to share my story with those who understand.

[flyguy]

Update: I finally opened up communication and talked to her. I did my best to ask validating questions like: "How did it make you feel when I was on the phone with my f?"

Her response was "It just made me feel that nothing is special between us." @onceremoved, you were right. Major feelings of abandonment from this. Also, she said that she felt like she needed some separation for herself and that she wanted to make this year "more about her and her dreams" since she feels that it has "always been about me." By the way, she said that she didn't feel that these intentions were "selfish" of her at all. I asked questions the entire time and thankfully didn't fall into JADE once.

I also asked her what I could have done differently in this situation to make her feel more included. She could only answer by saying: "You should have thought of me before you called! All women would feel this way. You should have talked with me first."

After I asked these questions, she blurted out: "I have already forgiven you of everything. I am sorry I got angry, even though I did nothing wrong." (Keep in mind she hit me with a shirt, called me names, and attacked my family). I bit my tongue and didn't say a word.

I told her that I just wanted to understand how she felt and that I would need some time to process this.

I would like to revisit this in the next day or so, but I think I'll need some help on the best way to communicate my feelings to her now that I have this information. Anybody have any ideas? Thanks!

[once removed]

"It just made me feel that nothing is special between us."

this could be indicative of how she feels about the bigger picture. shes suggesting its "all about you", and that in the future, she intends to make things more about herself. thats all defensive moves.

thats what i would hone in on. id ask her to tell me more about how she feels about that. id think big picture about making things, all sorts of things, that are special between just the two of you.

she felt like the job news was good news for the two of you as a team. so bringing anyone else into that must have squashed those feelings.

She also began to put down and attack me and my family. (I sensed extreme jealousy coming from her in regard to my relationship with my f. I speak with him on the phone every 2-3 days. My parents have seen her outbursts in the past and I'm not sure if that plays a part).

that might be the case, and if so, its not that you need to change your relationship with your father, but with your wife. she may need more "stuff" that feels like its just yours and hers.

think of a high school dance. there are some gals that need everything to go perfectly and according to plan, its a dream date, and if any little thing goes wrong, it threatens that.

its an extreme reaction, but your wife feels strongly and reacts strongly. somewhere in there are kernels of truth.

another thing that i might do is go back to making the good job news about you and her. celebrate (more formally) and let what you do be her idea.

what do you think?