She tried to get me to hit her and said my kids are going to pay the price

[jeanoc]

We received my step-daughter when she was 13.  She was raised on an indian reservation her first 13 years of her life with a not very stable mother.  The past five years have been a roller coaster.  My husband and I have 3 younger kids also.  When she came everything stopped and we centered everything on her.  I look back now and I am ashamed how I pushed my own kids aside to help her so much.  For the past five years she has manipulated me and controlled me and I allowed it.  I tried to show her what is right and wrong but everytime you corrected her she argued back and it started a large fight.  When weren't fighting she wanted my attention fully and didn't like when  I gave other kids attention and if I did she would get mad.  She caused a huge wedge between my husband and I. When she came he never handled it very well. He made everything about her and put her in front of our marriage. He treated her like the wife and I was the kid. when she got in trouble and at school instead of getting after her, he would yell at me.  Everything revolved around her.  SO I was getting it from both sides to try to make happy.  Finally when enough was enough he would get after her and really tell her how she is acting and how she needs to straighten up well,she started hating him.
recently her and I got in a big fight because I told her she needs to quit giving me so much attitude. (she is almost 18)  She started screaming at me telling me I a disrespectful to her everyday and that I call her a bitch all the time. (WHICH I DO NOT DO!) she started trying to hit me to get me to hit her.  I never did. She then proceeded to say she is going to tell everyone that I hit her all the time and she said my kids are going to pay the price.  I told her to leave so ran away.  2 days later she goes to the cops and tells them we abuse her and she wants to be emancipated.  CPS told us that she should not be around our other kids and that it isn't a good situation. She suggested she goes and lives with her family back on the reservation.  So now she is.  She texts me mean texts that I never loved her and I just pretended to love her and that I made my decision and I gave her up. Not caring that she turned us into the cops on false accusations.  She doesn't care what it has done to me, my husband,and especially our kids. People talk and most know how she is but some don't and actually believe we abused her.

The part that hurts the most is that she was never happy!  Did everything for her but she was never happy. She got to travel and see the united States and do things most kids don't get to do.  When she wasn't happy everyone paid the price, she made trouble for me or my marriage. But I still loved her and  I still wanted her to be happy and successful but I just can't do it anymore... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

wow. im sorry everything has come to this jeanoc. im glad that you reached out.

how are you holding up? how is your husband holding up?

[Only Human]

Hi jeanoc 

I join onceremoved in welcoming you to BPD Family.

I'm so sorry for all you've been going through with your SD, it sounds exhausting, for everyone.

I want you to know that you're not alone, while all our stories are different, there's a common thread throughout, we get it.

How long has she been back on the reservation?

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you through these trying times   

~ OH

[jeanoc]

She has been back for 6 weeks.  She is seeing a therapist there.  I am hoping she is being very honest with the therapist because she knows there is something wrong we have had many, many nights of talking in the past 5 years together.

[Isanni]

Wow. She sounds like she is full of hate. You were incredible for working so hard with her.  I hope you and your husband and kids can get counselling to clear the air and to start living a healthy life. It's good she has another place to go - whether it's best for her or not - she can start to think about how good she had it with you caring for her.

[jeanoc]

I have terrible guilt that she is there but I didn't really have much of an option when CPS got involved.  They said she shouldn't be with us because it wasn't healthy for the other kids.  And it wasn't I see that now. 

[Only Human]

She texts me mean texts that I never loved her and I just pretended to love her and that I made my decision and I gave her up.

It must be very hurtful to receive these texts, knowing that you've done so much for her. I'm so sorry, nastiness is so common with pwBPD (people with BPD). As Isanni says, I hope that you, your husband, your younger children, can all receive support/counseling to help you cope with what's happened and what's to come.

Guilt is a common feeling among loved ones, but please don't be so hard on yourself. Loving a pwBPD brings unique challenges, you did your very best - we all did.

We have lots of articles here that can help, tools for communication, and of course, a supportive, non-judgmental community of others traveling similar journeys.

I'd like to point you to the post pinned to the top of the board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's a good place to start.

Has she received a diagnosis?

~ OH

[jeanoc]

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[jeanoc]

thank you for your kind words.  I have a constant gut ache.  I just want to be happy with out worrying what is she going to do next. She is very revengeful right now.  She hasn't been professionally diagnosed but is going to therapy finally.  A counselor she went to previously thinks she has it.