How much information to disclose

[alphabeta]

Hi BPD Family,

I have a question about how much information to disclose to my uBPD/uNPD mother after going LC with her for about eight months. 

I have emailed/texted her some things, like wishing her a happy birthday or New Year, and, initially wrote to her stating why I needed time away from her and what she could do to improve our relationship (after she asked).

Now my mother is asking me to divulge my feelings to her -- she says that whereas she knows that I'm alive, she wants to know how I am doing and what I am feeling.

I am currently scared of what she is capable of and don't trust her.  Furthermore, my nine year old son is scared of her, and we are both in therapy to alleviate this and move on with our lives.

Should I tell her these things or just tell her that I am fine and dealing the usual challenges in life? 

I really don't want to have to give too many explanations as I have in the past with her (because she doesn't understand how she could be seen as being abusive, manipulative, and, overall, scary).

Thanks,
 

[Harri]

What do you think sharing your fears will accomplish with her?  What would you get out of it?

 

[alphabeta]

Hi Harri,

I don't think that sharing my fears with my mother would help me.

I need to learn to do things for myself rather than for others... .

Thanks for the reply and for making me aware of my own behaviors.

[Harri]

We can talk about the urge to share, what you want or hope for.  If there is something there that is pulling at you lets talk about it.   

[alphabeta]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for your message.  I want to share that I don't want to feel anxious about my mother's condition.  In other words, I neither want to feel guilt nor fear when thinking about her and/or engaging with her.

Currently I am feeling both and my T and I have a plan to make me feel more neutral with the relationship.

Do you have any recommendations for this?

Thanks

[zachira]

After 8 months of NC, you are naturally concerned about how much information to disclose to your mother with BPD/NPD. Do you want to run by us both the long and short versions of what you might want to say? The long version would be everything you would want to say if your mother were capable of validating your feelings, which do need to be validated, and we can help you with that. The short version would be what you think you can actually say to her. What do you think?

[alphabeta]

Hi Zachira,

The short response I was thinking about sending my mother is that I have had some good days and some bad days, and I need emotional space from her if there is to be any improvement on our relationship.

The long response is that I currently feel scared of what she is capable of, based upon past events, and, consequently, don't trust her.  I would only proceed to see her after I have conquered my fears and see her on more neutral terms.  My hope is that one day I would not be fazed by her statements and actions and this is my goal.  Unfortunately, this is not the case, and I need time and space to reach this place.  Furthermore, I want her to leave my son out of our relationship for the time being, and she should stop giving me guilt trips relating to her loneliness and her need to see me and my son.   

[Harri]

Hi alphabeta.  Thanks for elaborating. 

I think everything you wrote is important and is understandable to want to be heard and acknowledged.  It is important that you not be afraid and worried about you, your son and your wife in any relationship and most definitely with your own mother.  I think wanting that is natural and even healthy.  The wanting is not wrong.  The thing is that the person you hope will deliver that is not capable of doing so because of her own flaws, very big flaws even. 

That would be my suggestion to you.  Acknowledge to yourself that of course you have these wants and needs for your mom but that because of her and the way she is, she is not capable of giving you these things.   I think the anxiety and guilt results, at least in part, from wanting your mom to be something other than what she is.

There is nothing wrong in that as long as we can keep from acting on those wishes when all the evidence tells us otherwise.  So I don't know if you are focusing on the fact that you feel anxious and guilty and getting more frustrated with yourself because you are feeling those things.  If you are though, accept that feeling them is a normal process right now.

Accepting that is a step in the direction of letting go.

Let me know if I am way off here.

[alphabeta]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for replying to my post so quickly.  To clarify,

That would be my suggestion to you.  Acknowledge to yourself that of course you have these wants and needs for your mom but that because of her and the way she is, she is not capable of giving you these things.   I think the anxiety and guilt results, at least in part, from wanting your mom to be something other than what she is.

Yes, I do have anxiety in the form of frustration that my mother is not aware of what she has done and what impact it has on people.

My guilt stems from the fact that she lives alone and she always has told me that she fears abandonment.  I feel that I am now the person who is abandoning her by avoiding contact with her. 

My needs of protecting me and my family outweigh the desire to take care of her (as she conditioned me to do so), yet I still feel bad about not doing the latter.

 

[zachira]

Alphabeta,
I read your reply, and you have so many things you would like to say to your mother and can't.
Just keep feeling your feelings, especially when you are in the presence of your mother. Observe how you feel as if you were observing a stranger and writing a report on what you are observing. This can help to relieve some of the guilt and help you to process the sadness and anger to the point that these and other feelings will no longer overwhelm you as much. It is so hard to overcome all the guilt a mother with BPD/NPD has/will inflict on us so we will structure our lives to revolve around her needs and fears of abandonment. Of course, the pain is unbearable at times, and those of us with a mother with BPD/NPD wish for once that she would acknowledge our feelings and all the hurt she has caused/ causes, which of course is unlikely to happen and is one of the main reasons that the BPD/NPD diagnoses really fit.

[once removed]

Now my mother is asking me to divulge my feelings to her -- she says that whereas she knows that I'm alive, she wants to know how I am doing and what I am feeling.

I am currently scared of what she is capable of and don't trust her.

what is it you fear her doing if you were to divulge your feelings?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Alphabeta,

You've gotten some good advice and thoughts here, and I think it's especially good that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. When in a situation like this, it's especially important to have others validate you because you won't get it from your uBPDm. To reach out to others helps to balance what you don't get from her.

I also think that your minimal response to her is good because you are responding to her, but on your terms.

Wools

[alphabeta]

Hi Once Removed,

what is it you fear her doing if you were to divulge your feelings?

I fear that my mother would freak out if I were to divulge my feelings, because this has happened on multiple (10+) times.  By freaking out, she has had panic attacks, fainting spells, suicide threats, throwing things, or hours of insults and criticism. 

Witnessing this behavior is extremely emotionally draining for me.  Furthermore, walking out during her periods of dysphoria is unpleasant, because my mother has come to my house, bang on the door, and scream or cry until I let her in or call the police.

[zachira]

I felt sick to my stomach when you described how your mother comes to your house and makes a scene until you let her in the door. She is determined to not let go of you, yet I am fully confident in your abilities and strength to be relieved of most of the terrible burdens being inflicted on you by your mother. I am wondering how you can best protect yourself from her emotional barrages. It is especially hard since your mother has been projecting her feelings onto you since your were born. Can you tell yourself over and over again that these are her feelings and not yours? Perhaps after each unpleasant incident with your mother, you can make a list of which feelings are your mother's, which are your feelings, and those feelings of your mother's that you are struggling to disown and send back to her. Though it may not seem like it now, there may come a point where you will no longer be such a target for your mother's distressing feelings if she perceives you are not absorbing her feelings for her. It can all come down to a different way of being on your part. You become self confident and comfortable in your own skin no matter how your mother behaves, and it becomes less rewarding for her to act out with you, and perhaps she will find new targets to unload on. Just my thoughts, which may or may not be all that helpful. Take care, and let us know how you are doing.