My daughter shows every trait of BPD. I am her target . sh is allmost 39

[Cdog54]

  MY ALMOST 39 YEAR OLD daughter has been diagnosed by social workers here in the USA as havaing BPD.  She lives in Italy and thinks her behavior towards me (her mother) is justified and I am the bad guy.  I thik I am her only target but I think her husband had gotten some of the tempaer and I am afraid for her 31/2 year old daughter whom I think her BPD mother is in competition with and is treating the  child in a hurtful manner.  Of course I am not 100% sure about this since they are in Italy but right now my concern is with how she treats me. and how to deal with it.  She is holding ou 2 grandchildren "ransom"
from us and uses them as pawns, mostly for money from us.  We are retired abnd only have so much for our twilight years.  She doesn't care and only sees $$$ that she feels is her due, regardless of the fact that we have given her thousands over the years.  Her mouth is worse thqan a sailor and tells me all the time that she doesn't even consider me her mother and she deserved a better mother then me.  I don't know3 what to do.  she thinks I need the help and everything is my fault.  Her younger child, a boy will he a year old next week and she won
t let us see or skype with either child.  This keeps happening over and over./  If I give in and giver her more money we will see the kids.  If I sand my ground this time, no grandchildren.  It ils hard enough to have the kidsw in a differenty country and only really see them 1x a yeaf when we PAY to bsring them over./  WE don't even get a full weeka cos she goes to NYC where she used to live to show off the kids to her friends (taking our extra car)/  Somebody please help me and tell me what to do or how to handle her.  This situation is killing me.  I am not in the best of health anyway and just cannot deal with this anymore in our lives.  HELP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mamaw2]

My daughter has many of the same characteristics as your daughter ! You aren’t alone ! I only wish I knew how to help . The most I can do right now is listen and sympathize . It is so very hard .

[Only Human]

Hi Cdog54 and

Although I'm so sorry for the reason you're here, I'm glad you've come here for support. As Mamaw says, it is so very hard, when dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD) or BPD traits. You'll find many parents here who can relate to what you've written, you are not alone.  

I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is using your love for your grandchildren against you, manipulating you for $$$. It's heartbreaking. Retirement, your twilight years, are meant to be a time of relaxation. You deserve that.

Does your daughter accept her diagnosis? Is she in treatment?

Keep posting, read and post in other threads, having a support system is important and absolutely necessary when a loved one is struggling with BPD. We are here for you, we get it.

~ OH

[Only Human]

What you've shared about your DD holding your grandchildren "ransom" is emotional blackmail, and really common. This article may be helpful, may help you understand what's behind her threats and how you can respond to her demands.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)

~ OH