Feels Like Crisis Mode

[Firefly2019]

I’m new here. I’m here because I feel exhausted and stressed and desperate. I don’t know what else I can do, so I’m here hoping to find some support or perspective from someone who understands and maybe has more experience with handling a family relationship with BPD.

My brother has BPD. A few days ago his wife said she needed some space in their marriage - because of the BPD. It feels like we’ve been in crisis mode nonstop since. He’s called me and cried, he’s texted me for hours, he’s blocked me then unblocked me. We’ve gone through waves of extremely depressing thoughts to extreme hope and statements like “I’ve changed overnight. I’m all better now,” to threats he’ll do something harmful, to lashing out and guilt tripping me.

All of the advice I’ve read online talks about acknowledging his feelings and not taking anything personally. But I’m at a point where I feel like it will never end. I’m so emotionally exhausted I don’t know what to do. This might be more of a vent than anything, but if someone has advice to offer I would appreciate it!

[Enjoysnooker]

I'm also very new here and have a daughter who I believe has undiagnosed BPD. I am going to write down what I wrote in a letter to a friend a few years back and hope it's of some use.
1. how do you care for yourself?
2. Is it enough?
3. If not, what changes can be made?
4. What are your biggest stressors?
5. Can they be reduced or modified?

I come back to this over and over and have it taped in my daytimer. I think it's more than okay to assert our own needs for peace in our life. Give yourself good care. Really good care. It's what I am learning over and over. Thinking of you with compassion,
Enjoysnooker

[Firefly2019]

Thank you for your reply. Intellectually I know self-care is important, but I’m struggling with where to draw the line. He wants me to drop my life, my responsibilities, to be with him. When I tell him I can’t that very second, I feel guilty and am unsure of whether I’m being selfish or I’m drawing a healthy boundary line.

[Isanni]

From what I have been told in terms of how to manage my daughter, you have to be clear on your limits. If you give in, you feed the monster. He learns he can get you to drop things and that is not healthy for him; it just makes his behavior more borderline like.
Perhaps give alternatives "You sound like you are experiencing some very strong feelings. I'm sorry to hear you suffer. I want to be there for you. I have to work until x but can meet from y to z tonight/tomorrow."

[Firefly2019]

It’s comforting to hear that setting limits are necessary. It’s all just so heartbreaking. This is the first time I’m really approaching one of his crisis with the knowledge that he has BPD. It’s overwhelming. I just want it to be calm again, but I can’t see when that will happen now that his wife has asked for the separation.

[Isanni]

Does he believe he needs help? That he has issues that only he can fix? That is the hardest thing to deal with - when they don't believe they have to change and blame their feelings, actions, and situations on others.
If he wants help, then it's easier to have productive conversations about next steps - qualified therapist for example. If he doesn't want help, it's even more critical - I think - to protect yourself by setting boundaries. Otherwise you'll burn out cause it's going to be a long road of crisis after crisis with little hope given he doesn't have the drive to change.

I found it helpful to learn about borderline. And to learn how best to respond to them. It takes a lot of time just to learn this stuff - so have to pace yourself. Learning is exhausting.

[Firefly2019]

He believes he has serious problems to work through but does not believe a therapist can help. He believes that by reading about BPD he can change. And he constantly will say, “this has taught me so much. I have changed.” Because I think he believes that the solution is to pretend he has changed and act as normal as possible. I don’t think he believes he can actually change - just that he can become better at hiding it.

I wish I could convince him to see a therapist.

[Harri]

Hi firefly and welcome. 

You have received some great advice already!  I am so sorry for what you are experiencing with your brother.  It is very hard to support someone with BPD behaviors especially when they are dysregualting.  Setting limits or setting boundaries is vital.  I say that because it is important for you and your self-care and also it is important for your brother as well.  pwBPD (people with BPD) need limits and balance and when you first try to do so, sometimes they will push back.  It is all part of the process.

It is good that you are there for him but he also needs to learn to self soothe.  sometimes that means leaving him to sit with his feelings without us intervening.  We have a great article here titled The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

Excerpt:
Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "people worth BPD traits need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining values and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

        
- - Maintaining routine and structure

- - Setting and maintain boundaries

- - Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

- - Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

- - In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

- - Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

- - Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior alone, will be not enough to heal your relationship. - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Your partner has to be trying.


I hope the article helps and gives you an understanding of not just what it takes to help someone with BPD but also how you need to take care of you.  It is hard and it is imperative to take care of you too.  The article talks from a romantic relationship perspective but can be applied to other types as well.

Let me know what you think of the article.  Ask questions, jump into threads and read.  Everyone here can relate to having a pwBPD and we can support you as you navigate your way through your relationship.  I hope you settle in.   

[Firefly2019]

Thanks very much for your response! I think I have a lot to learn, but I’m feeling a little less overwhelmed now. Thank you again!