82 year old dad with npd, weekly get togethers

[DharmaGate]

This was last week... .

I was not a flying monkey!  Success with family dynamics using skills

I had to google what a flying monkey was yesterday when I read Vanilla Sky's introduction I was intrigued, two cool names!  So I read that a flying monkey is when a person exhibiting narcissistic traits sends others to do their dirty work, like the wicked witch in wizard of oz.

So the way I see it if I had continued to blindly follow our family history, prescribed roles, I would have been a flying monkey to my dad.  I believe my mom set my sister and brother up as flying monkeys and when they flew over to me and my dad, he wanted to retaliate, wanted to take me to the lawyer with him and make me power of attorney, ect. 

A couple of months ago when this started my anxiety went sky high, then I found this site and started reading, thank goodness. The drama triangle, while really complicated, made total sense, this is how complicated our family roles are, so while I am still studying it, trying to understand, I read that the enabler has a very powerful role and if they stop the whole system can change.  So I vowed to myself to not make any moves except those in the middle of triangle.

So my dad came over today, said he was thank ful for my compassionate view on what was possibly going on with bro and sis, meaning that I believe they are acting out roles that my uBPD and unpd mother left them. 

He admitted he had vengeance fantasies, spending the money we could inherit, cutting them out of the Will ect. Instead he said he is going to try and remember that they have reason to be concerned, hurt, angry, like I consistently, relentlessly keep pointing out. It was absolute, total insanity growing up, everyday was chaos.

So he showed me his neuropsych eval and asked if I would help with finding resources for anxiety.  I said I was really impressed how he did not go into vengeance mode and that is what I was worried about.  I told him about all the new advances, research and treatments into personality disorders and I would put together and info and show it to him next week when he comes over

Thank you all for discussing this stuff without the discussion  this family disaster would have proceeded most likely un examined.

This week... .so after writing the above last week (writing works to process for me, can move along when I do) I started feeling nervous and thinking this was part of a set up, he is trying to pull me in, feel he has me on his side and then when that happens, will push me out again, attempt to offend, abandon, talk bad about me to others. Watched my anxiety sky rocket and urge to flee was huge! Then felt like I wanted to melt down, become overwhelmed, not be able to deal with it. Then remembered I took a Buddhist vow years ago to try and have compassion for everyone no exceptions, one of the reasons for this as I understand it, is to keep my mind as even as I can.  It has been working extremely well for a few years, now the hard stuff family. 

So i absolulutly do not want to enable, rescue, persecute or feel like a victim myself.  So I was very honest telling him how perceived things... .Will finish and post a plan for the next week, we are meeting weekly on wendsdays... .Have to go now, but I want to keep processing this as it goes along.

Also wanted to say as I read some other threads and feel so for all of us, my mom died five years ago, I was civil, I didn't cause waves or stand in anyone's way of helping her, I was quiet.  But I did not go to the memorial, I didn't over extend myself with her, and I have not missed her.  She was pretty horrid to me, i feel relief she is gone.

[DharmaGate]

Well we can nix the even keeled mind, and planned weekly get togethers I just blew! Some friend of his called because some other friend said to check with me about something, so he is blaming stuff on me.

I feel a little bad of course, involving this other unsuspecting party, she was calling about some birthday thing.  Then I called and left him message that I was tired of him going around and talking about me, I used the example that I did not appreciate him going to a whole group of people, one of who told the other one to call, anyway saying he had grief because when I was in treatment 25 years ago the family counslor told him I had been raped when I was 14.  Soo he has grief that he was numb all these years! He has brought it up repeatedly. So we are back to the pattern that family is totally inappropriate, I blow and now I am the one at fault.  Well that is ok, I am used to it and being the scapegoat all these years I got my freedom, I did a ton of healing, I got away.  I got a life and a self. 

So it is somewhat embarrassing that this now involves other people but he has pulled us all in pushed us out ect. I left a message on the long time friend of the family's phone about my belief we are all being worked and maybe we should meet together.  This is what stopped my dad with my bro and sis.  But I don't think I want to do that.  The family house is in a trust because brother and mom knew dad might go this way, so we can't lose that to pass on to our kids.  Money who cares! I choose freedom.

So I just called and left message that I want to leave it alone for a month, whew! Relief

[Harri]

Hi DharmaG.   It is hard to try to break patterns of behaviors and it is even harder when we know what needs to be done and we miss the mark.  It is okay.  I see each instance as a learning opportunity (yep, I am one of those annoyingly optimistic people).   

I've never really understood the term flying monkey until you used it here so thank you for that bit of clarity.  I am not sure though that it applies or is a good way to look at the dynamics in these relationships.  To me it speak of intention, that the enablers are acting with purpose and with some reward in mind rather than acting out learned patterns of behaviors.  Maybe it is pride though because for a long time I acted in ways that enabled and I bristle at the thought of being anyones monkey.   It speaks of having no power or at least no ability to use my own power.  It feels different when I apply the term to how I used to be.

Anyhoo, monkeys aside, what was it specifically that pulled you in this time?  What was the hook?  The anger you felt?  I don't think getting angry and yelling is always a bad thing.  It may not be what we wanted to do or the best way to handle things but it happens. 

You said you don't think you want to meet with the others.  Do you think that might be more triangulation or is it something else?

[DharmaGate]

Harri,
what pulled me in this time was the message on my phone from, the long time family friend and her insistence I needed to call back, no real choice to ignore.  I knew I was tired, emotional, and generally try not to interact when in that state  but really did not feel like devoting more time to my dads situation as I already put a lot of time into being centered, remaining calm with him earlier in the day. Had already made a plan of how to take care of myself emotionally after having him over. It's really weird he keeps bringing up when I was raped at 14, this started about two months ago and almost every time I see him he brings it up, gets all teary, says he was numb when counselor told him, says he deals with it in his various grief groups.  I have told him I would appreciate being left out of these public displays, to no avail. So this time when he started I cut him off said I absolultutly can not talk with him about this randomly with him anymore, if he wants me to be emotionally available during our visits he got it. 

So when the woman called I was already at my limit of felt intrusion.  There are a bunch more examples of intrusions, boundary violations ect, but bottom line I knew I might respond emotionally but didn't want to put it off calling her back.  So when she told me that the director of this organization wanted her to call and check and see if it was ok for the group to meet at my dads house, that's what I believe might be the hook you mentioned? Not sure what a hook in this context is, assuming what emotionally hooked me in? If so it was this.

Again long story but dad is giving away large amounts of money and leaving house open for the people to come and go from this group. I have stayed out of it but the issue keeps being dropped in my lap, like this phone call.  and it has been a issue for months for family.  I believe it is a larger extension of the pwnpd/BPD traits of pitting people against each other. He absolulutly tried to do it with me, bro and sis. Now the people in the group think there is a problem coming to house because of me and they are calling me about it.  It is beyond absurd! Anyone that knows me knows, I want no material goods, other than enough to scrap by, I do not want one house to become territorial about, and will not fight with people about resources. 

So like I believe you said Harri, the yelling and anger may have its place. especially after processing this, the yelling and becoming emotional is really the only way he hears me.  But the problem with it is now he can be a victim in his mind.  I saw him right away yesterday as he pulled into my parking lot, He said he wanted to give me the psych evaluation, he already gave me.  He said he would not contact me, looking all downtrodden, I said one month, I said no one is wrong here, enjoy your freedom we will talk then.  Then this morning I go out to start my car and he left a envelope on my windshield, saying he will honor the no contact.

So I will need to give this a lot more thought but I see the life long pattern of trying getting others to react, so the other family members can react! Yeeks!

So I am more than glad to take a break.  I am sad that this dysfunction is more than I thought it was. For sure grieving that what I thought was, isn't.  That's ok, being somewhat sad for all of us is an emotion I will take!   I am looking at the survivor to thriver manual and for sure in the mourning stage.  I am not going to fight with any of these people and if I can't stay primarily in the healthy triangle of care, assert, and vulnerable, I don't want to stay long. 

Thanks all!



 

[once removed]

Well we can nix the even keeled mind, and planned weekly get togethers I just blew! Some friend of his called because some other friend said to check with me about something, so he is blaming stuff on me.

I feel a little bad of course, involving this other unsuspecting party, she was calling about some birthday thing. 

what happened here? what is he blaming on you? what birthday thing?

[DharmaGate]

Once removed, sorry that was super unclear!  Was upset and started typing:(

So a friend of the family called to ask if I was ok with this community group having a birthday get together For my dad at his house. which is silly because they get together formally each week there  then my dad leaves the house open so people can come and go which I’ve never had any problem with other then when he left town we had an issue when I was staying there and people kept coming and going.  So the friend said she was calling on behalf of the director to see if it is ok with me.  It is not my house, I don’t live there, he can do what he wants.

So somehow the director feels I have a problem with it to extent they have to call me so, I can see my dad saying welll I would but ... .is having a problem with it.   Feeling pulled in blamed for something I have tried to stay out of.


Let me know if doesn’t make sense I get confused with this all!

[once removed]

what did she say? is it possible she was checking to see if it was a convenient time/location for you?

[DharmaGate]

what did she say? is it possible she was checking to see if it was a convenient time/location for you?

We talked about our houses, her friend she was helping, at the end of conversation, she said so and so wanted me to call and see if it was ok to do get together Monday. Possibly I got it confused and she was inviting me but I highly doubt it, it is a speciality group.  The director called a few months ago when my dad was going away and I was going to stay there at my dads request to see if it would work for them to use it. .  He gave time as 2 to 4 when people were still at house and I couldn’t get back in at 900 pm that is when I said something to my dad that it felt weird to have all these people in house we grew up in. One thing if he or I are there, other when I can’t get back in. So I believe this is how it got started I have a problem with them being there. Not for positive though.

Mostly the reason I believe my dad told them I have a problem with it is because he is doing it to everyone right now, no one seems exempt from his anger.  The more I write this stuff I am starting to wonder about dementia or if this stuff gets worse with age. I have never heard him talk like this. Absolulutly everyone he is around he has something bad to say about. One example  the guy he was meeting after me, his friend.  He said pushes his way in, steals the limelight, is seducing woman, snags stuff, works all angles.  It is like he is settting out to distroy all relationships. Does this happen with this stuff? That he could think he is being smart, but just alienating everyone? I have never seen him so interpersonally convining.  My sis and bro stepping in did threaten him a lot and maybe he is threatened by me now too? Don’t know.

[DharmaGate]

Upon reading and reflection this morning this is what I got.

That there is every chance I misunderstood the call from family friend, maybe not, but either way, I knew better than to interact when emotionally exhausted, predictable outcome would be I would tell everyone to get away from me. I was way in emotional mind, no mindfulness present moment. I was off in some story. Have to set limits of talking about rape.

So I have a month regroup, recharge, make another game plan. The plan needs to consider my relationship with my daughter who lives in town with me and dad, my bro and sis, my daughter away. And dads people.

I do think my dads extreme behavior may be a reaction to bro and sis pretty extreme behavior. By me not going to lawyer with him, trying to outs bro from power of attorney, he may view that as abandonment by me.

I am having trouble with feeling overwhelmed by all these people and moves and counter moves.

I start another round of dbt skills class tomorrow yay! Absolutely love skills group. Been through all modules two times formally and involved for last 10 years. This is the best most stabilizing gift I can give myself. Pure joy!

My relationship with my daughter is priority and she could really use some consistency, availability right now  I