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Author Topic: Forgetting events and fabricating others  (Read 463 times)
Hurt and scared
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« on: January 20, 2019, 02:46:48 PM »

Our daughter has ‘memories’ of things she says we did to her, yet she forgets things like work start time. Is that normal? 
How do we set the record straight about her childhood?  She is 30 now
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
DharmaGate
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2019, 03:09:18 PM »

Hurt and Scared, I don’t have the answers to how to set the record straight or if it is normal to forget work start time, but I have seen people sort out these kinds of questions here.  Often others ask for more information so as to be of more help. This is a very safe place to sort things out. Mostly just wanted to say hi and welcome!
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Only Human
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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2019, 04:57:02 PM »

Hi Hurt and scared Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I join DharmaGate in welcoming you to the family.

It's so frustrating, and all too common, when our children fabricate their childhood experiences, especially if their fabrications include ways we've harmed them.

"Setting the record straight" may not be possible or even advisable. The best we can do is to validate the feelings behind the memory, perhaps finding a nugget of truth in there somewhere, so that our children feel heard.

My DD25 has many memories that I can't relate to, but that doesn't mean they aren't real to her, or even that they didn't happen. I can't remember everything I've ever said or "done to her," so I try to keep that in mind as well.

As DharmaGate says, this is a very safe, non-judgmental, place. Please feel free to share more of your concern - what are some of the things she is saying you've done that you didn't go?

I'm really glad you found us, Hurt and scared, and I look forward to learning more about you and how we can best support you.

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
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SkellyII
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2019, 05:37:44 PM »

Our daughter has ‘memories’ of things she says we did to her, yet she forgets things like work start time. Is that normal? 
How do we set the record straight about her childhood?  She is 30 now

Well, I wouldn't use the word "Normal", but it does seem to be a recurring theme with BPD patients. My 16 year old daughter has been like that for some time. It's ben REALLY bad the last 6-8 months. It hasn't been the distant memories, mainly recent stuff, and it seems to be always linked to an authority figure, her Meds lady, teachers, myself, typically someone that has either corrected her when she says something totally wrong, or dares to not let her do whatever she wants, or withholds something from her until she completes something.

Basically if you piss her off, which is pretty easy these days, she's going to have a false memory concerning you, and you will always be a bad person.

We're between therapists at the moment, the last one didn't help (see my previous posts), so I have no answers to share with you at the moment.

BTW: Her mother, uBPD, Forgot to file both her state and federal taxes for 5-6 years.

Take care, and please update us with your progress.
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Manifest32f
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2019, 06:26:26 PM »

Hi everyone:

I very much identify with this topic. My uBPDd started saying I treated her badly when she was growing up and accusing me of being cruel towards her about things I really found/find very puzzling. Initially  I tried questioning and denying such claims which only aggravated her and resulted in more accusations, stating I conveniently forgot everything I did wrong. At some point, I stopped denying (which didn’t mean I accepted) and instead I said I hear her. If she was saying something which I might have said, I said sorry I was wrong and let it go. Recently I noticed that the accusations have somewhat reduced (although it could come back in full force when I least expect it). I think as I am learning to validate her when she says something, and show I am listening (that has been a major problem), I think we are slowly improving our relationship. So when our children accuse us unfairly, instead of vehemently denying or defending, just acknowledging we understand how they feel maybe all that is needed to be said. For my own relief, I asked a good friend, who had seen her grow, I asked if she felt I was cruel or treated my daughter badly at any time and she said never has she seen anything like that. I felt relieved by that.

Thanks all & hope this is helpful in your handling similar challenge you are facing with your loved one.
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newoutlook

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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2019, 07:57:41 PM »

Hi Everyone,

Yes, my uBPDd also has different memories of her childhood and has unfortunately also fabricated abuse from her sister and myself. Unfortunately, my daughter has cut me off, NC,  and will not communicate with me until I recall all the times and situations, I have done wrong by her. It is so sad that our children's perception in their upbringing is so different to ours.
I cannot change her perception and really do not know what to do at the moment so I am spending my time looking after myself and trying to mentally get stronger.
I wish I had an answer for you and everyone in this situation, It is just so frustrating.

Take Care   
               
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Manifest32f
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2019, 09:06:55 PM »

I remember that my uBPDd also demanded that I write down all the times I was abusive towards her (as per her recollection) and state in writing what steps I plan on taking to rectify my actions, and this was going on for a couple of years, almost every time she was dysregulating (which is pretty often) and I wrote down whatever she had accused me of, but did not give it to her. She has not spoken about it in recent months although she referenced it a couple of weeks ago, and I just kept quiet. I hope our relationship will improve when I will get the emotional strength and good opportunity to sit down with her and go over them and share how it hurt my feelings to hear them and what could have led to such misconceptions and how we could resolve any doubts about my love for her. Since it all started with my SIL insinuating that I was very strict with my daughter (to her when she visited her on her own around 15yrs ago) and never showed any love. My daughter  mentioned it initially when she started being angry and upset with me for unknown reasons and I was completely baffled that I never asked for any clarification.

I feel that our BPD children demand unfairly many a times and as long as we learn and maintain our boundaries and not get into non-winnable verbal combat, we can get some peace. Walking away when they are loud and abusive has its merits.
Thanks for your support, everyone.
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Only Human
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« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2019, 12:43:35 AM »

Hi everyone  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Here's a post from another member who got some great feedback about memories:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331612.0

Here's an excerpt. It's really good stuff.

Excerpt
These 2 things can certainly work on memories short and long to manipulate memories in an emotional slant which tends to be negative, and also importantly in a way that makes them innocent of any wrongdoing. A pwBPD can recall memories, twist them over time to a point where they have absolved themselves of any guilt or shame and remember them perfectly to the smallest detail... .AND THEY BELIEVE THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY AS FACT.

The thread was locked after reaching the reply limit, but the discussion is a good one with good links.

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
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Only Human
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« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2019, 12:46:04 AM »

As the post is very long, I'm providing a link to the post which contains my excerpt:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331612.msg13020444#msg13020444

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
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Lollypop
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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2019, 01:25:13 AM »

Hi

My son24 couldn’t look at photographs of himself when he was young.

I found this forum when he was dx at 24 and spiralled down. He came home and I focussed on improving our core relationship as my number one priority. I literally lived our lives by conversation to conversation. I didn’t speak about problems or ask questions. I got light as a fairy and made myself into a warm and happy person. He responded positively - slowly. After about 6 months (maybe a bit longer) my son covered his bedroom wall with photos of the family.

I just couldn’t believe it and I posted. LBJ advised me here that he was re-forming his memories and relationships. That day made me so very happy.

My son has a view of unfairness towards him. He’s also seen that I’ve changed myself (I was the problem to him - he did all those bad things because of me).  I can’t change that view or that memory. What’s happened though is that he’s found a way to accept it. It’s like he’s forgiven us and our imperfectness.

I look back and see that I loved my son but didn’t like him (constant bad choices). I’ve worked hard at improving our relationship and, on good days, we can emotionally connect and enjoy each other’s company. I’d like to say he’s “cured” but I know he’s not. His BPD traits are less obvious but still there and rear their head now and again. I’ve accepted him, he’s accepted me.  

I heard yesterday that our memory store is becoming inefficient because of the way we live our lives now with computers and phones. We don’t need to retain information any more and, like a muscle that’s not used, it becomes weak. I thought about my son and his poor executive functioning. He’s got so much better now he’s problem solving himself. It’s practice.

So my view is. The benefits of improving the core relationship include a “feel good”, this can only increase the likelihood of them wanting to change their view of you. Also, my son is more likely to believe me when I say “oh, I have a different memory of that day. Yes, you were upset at first but then you settled and really enjoyed the party” (as an example). He’s more receptive to me because he now loves and trusts me.

Does this make sense?  Do you have any thoughts?

LP
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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2019, 03:54:26 AM »

Here's a post from another member who got some great feedback about memories:

Thanks for endorsing my work. I think it's important to understand how memories are stored, how they can be manipulated and how someone who's an emotional thinker might be challenged more recalling clean memories than someone with a more rational mind. Emotional / trauma memory has no time stamp. Memories and feelings associated with them will be as real today as they were at the time and can be relived constantly (hence PTSD and CPTSD).

Happy to field any questions

Enabler
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Daisy123
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« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2019, 01:13:04 PM »

Remembering things very differently was a theme in my Family Connections class. We discussed just how narcissistic our BPD children are. It’s Associated so closely to BPD.
An example was given;
Parent: “It’s cold outside, you might want to take a sweater”
PBPD Thoughts: They think I should have known that it’s cold outside and grabbed a sweater!
PBPD reply: why are you always criticizing me?

Even though we are not intentionally hurting our pwBPD, their narcissism makes it about them and they read it as critism.

I’d like to explore this more in depth.

Daisy123
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