Continuation from the kids.  We had a fight, like bad, how it use to be.  I don't feel as shaken by it, more frustrated.   We went round and round about the having more kids or not.  Apparently, everything he has been saying about kids and waiting until they get older to do this and that, have more "us" time was a whole crock of $hit. 

He is now saying he said it because a year ago I said 4 times that if he wanted more kids, I was going to leave him.  I didn't put it in that context, that's how he analyzed it.  When I said it, yeah, the thought of having another kid sent me running for the hills.  Honestly, even now, I still don't want more kids. 

Days like today are exhibit A.  He said a whole lot of pretty mean stuff.  I get he was trying to scare me, but all he did was make me chuckle (which I kept to myself).  I looked at him and saw something different.  He has a keen way of becoming this different person when he acts like this.  Unleashing the he! hounds so to speak.  Before I would see this person and cower, now I saw him as a stubborn a$$ who was refusing to even another side to anything.

He's upset that I am doing all this stuff for "me".  Going back to work, starting classes, "refusing" to give him anymore kids.  I am doing stuff for me that is helping us.  I went back to work because he was so strung out, trying to work hard enough to pay for everything.  I am going to school to get an education, to have a career, so we can stop living paycheck to paycheck.  I am worried to have anymore kids because I feel like I will be a shoddy mom because I can't handle three kids. 

He doesn't see all the hard work I do.  He feels I haven't changed, he doesn't know anything about me.  He's upset that I haven't colored as much, he's upset that I don't pay enough attention to him, etc.  Majority of things I do are for this family, the kids, him.  Truth is, I know I have changed.  I look back a year and I see a woman that I don't recognize.  He doesn't see it.  He was to yell about if I don't have more kids he will leave me or knock someone else up.  Go ahead.

I am stretched so thin and he doesn't see it.  I try to tell him, he says it is all an excuse.  All I do know is, I clearly see a path.  I am starting to think he may be right, what we both want, isn't lining up anymore.  I love him, but not sure we see eye to eye on a lot and he's blaming me.

 PS.
 Quote He was to yell else up.  Go ahead.I about if I don't have more kids he will leave me or knock someone[/glow
  Some of the things they spew at us are so painful to hear, even though we know not to take them personally, Still hard to hear!   
 I use humor( Snicker to myself) to survive the onslaught of harsh words as well .  It works  well for me as long as I don't let one slip out loud.   

Keep up the great work for yourself!
 NGY

All the hard work and improvement, now I am feeling what may really end it is the kid problem.  I'm not having anymore.  If that means he leaves me, fine.  If he wants to knock somebody else up, I'm not going to have any part of it.