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Author Topic: Why would she care  (Read 488 times)
PianoDood
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« on: January 21, 2019, 11:24:47 PM »

When my uBPDw discarded 5.5 months ago,  refused to communicate with me,  told me to stop trying to communicate with her... .told me,  and I quote, "I don't care what you do"... .why, after 5.5 months after all of that,  would she be angry and hold it against me that I accepted a date with someone else?  And then beat me over the head,  using it against me?  Interested to hear feedback.   Because it makes zero sense to me.   She was the one who left me and did and said all of those things even when I repeatedly tried to communicate with her to no avail,  she just ignored me.   Why would she care that I dated someone else?
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PianoDood
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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2019, 11:44:40 PM »

By the way, this is a question related to a previous discard. When she came back and said she wanted to reconcile in September of last year, she beat me over the head about the fact that I had gone out on a date... .One date with one person. After she had done and said everything I mentioned above. Why would she care? And, she never said anything about the fact that she had done and said all of those things. Never took ownership of any of it. Yet, after 5 and 1/2 months of trying to communicate with her and get her to engage with me again, I gave up and accepted a date with someone. A friendly day. Never came to anything sexual. Nothing like that. Just so that I could get out of the house, enjoy someone's company and have fun. Yet, all she wanted to do was focus on the fact that I had going on a date with someone... .And took absolutely no ownership for her discard, or the way she treated me. Absolutely nonsensical. Makes no sense to me.
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Vexed
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2019, 12:02:11 AM »

Because you are just an old toy in the closet of a 3 year old.  She doesn't want to play with you anymore but that doesn't mean she wants anyone else to either.

My current ex BPDgf after we broke up was going on dates multiple days a week yet would interrogate me on if I was dating and get upset at me doing anything she thought was for the intention of dating another girl. 

But our whole rs was hypocritical, we were never equals ie) she was allowed male friends but I couldn't be friends with any females. 
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Luan
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2019, 04:55:06 AM »

When my uBPDw discarded 5.5 months ago,  refused to communicate with me,  told me to stop trying to communicate with her... .told me,  and I quote, "I don't care what you do"... .why, after 5.5 months after all of that,  would she be angry and hold it against me that I accepted a date with someone else?  And then beat me over the head,  using it against me?  Interested to hear feedback.   Because it makes zero sense to me.

My ex uBPD flipped the lid when I was hugged in public, in front of her by an old (female) friend. It was as if I had an affair! Meanwhile she was in touch with her ex bf, and went out to dinner with him the week before she ended with me, without telling me of course. By the time I'd worked it out she had cut most contact.

Makes zero sense... .true, yet we all make sense to ourselves, and in her insecure, devaluing world, this must make sense to her. I am sure there would be moments of shame/guilt, hence the need to cut communication, avoid as much of that as possible. Yet, I have never once mentioned it or blamed her, only said to her she has a lot to sort out, I love her deeply, and please contact me when she has.

But our whole rs was hypocritical, we were never equals ie) she was allowed male friends but I couldn't be friends with any females.  

This too, although my r/s was only 4 months, I could feel and hear her trying to drive a wedge between me and friends, mostly the female ones (but any close ones) while she had numerous, usually much older father figures, who loved the attention.

In the end, I think the thing that concerned her the most was my gracious acceptance of her poor behaviour. She is obviously used to emotionally damaging people to a point somewhere similar or reflective to her own dis-regulation. I think this turmoil gives her a feeling of realness, like seeing blood for someone who self harms. And having no care of my feelings, saying she has no love for me, and moving on quickly, are all part of the show.
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Bnonymous
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2019, 07:13:50 AM »

Why would she care that I dated someone else?

Hi PianoDood,

My guess is that she sees only two things 1/ any worries and insecurities she had during the relationship that you might find someone else, and 2/ that you've now been on a date. And then she sees 2 as confirmation of 1 and starts thinking and feeling that she was right all along. As though none of the intervening stuff ever happened.

I've found similar things with pwBPD crop up quite often. They can sometimes be baselessly worried that x will happen in y situation, even though it wouldn't. Then things happen (often they say and do things) that completely change the situation - x then happens in z situation and they feel vindicated, because all they see is "I knew x would happen and I was right all along!" completely failing to see the relevance of the changed circumstances and intervening events. It's as though they can only see the first and last link and in a chain and so they see them as joined together directly, because they can't see all the links in the middle.

This kind of thing can infuriate and bewilder nons, because it feels really disingenuous, Twilight Zone, head-messing stuff. But I don't think it's deliberate on the part of the pwBPD. I think they genuinely can't "see" or factor in any events or circumstance-changes between the fear and the event.  I think this kind of thing is born from genuine cognitive difficulties.

(I don't know if that makes any sense?)
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2019, 10:51:10 AM »

the two of you were married, PianoDood. one date is a big deal.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
PianoDood
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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2019, 12:34:41 PM »

Once removed... .yes, married, but separated for 5.5 months, of her choice,  during said period, I tried over and over to communicate with her.   She ignored.   Then,  suddenly,  I posted a picture from my date to Facebook.   And less than 30 minutes after posting it, I started receiving raging messages from her on Facebook... .during the date.   First i had heard from her in nearly 6 months.   I had attempted to communicate with her one final time by email 5 days before i accepted the date.   She didn't respond.   It was at that point that I decided to accept the invitation.   It was one date,  friendly and non- sexual... .that i believed was acceptable as such.   Mind boggling.
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