Splitting Spouse

[BestVersionOfMe]

Having a hard time of late with my wife.  I intentionally got away from posting on  forums because it focused my intention on trying to change her.  I did have some success by strictly focusing on me and my life but I am frustrated enough that I felt compelled to come back and share my stories to get advice on how to handle situations as they arise.  The new norm is that she is very combative over almost anything.  I assume this is because I am "all bad" at the moment in her eyes.  There are times that I am assertive when this happens but most of the time I'm so tired of dealing with it that I just stay quiet and avoid her.  The day to day pattern is that she obsessively runs 1-3 times per day training for a race which is fine, except that she doesn't get a lot done around the house as a SAHM.  After dinner is when she kicks into overdrive and starts doing laundry, cleaning, nagging the kids.  This is the same time where I'm ready to relax.  I get up at 5 daily, own my own company, so I'm pretty spent by 630 pm give or take.  So during this period of time she becomes the ultimate victim.  She will say things like, "It's not fair to me that I have to do xyz."  She's just incredibly grumpy and nagging and unpleasant to be around.  I don't know how to approach the hours of 6-9 pm at night but I'm open to suggestions and I'm at my wits end.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

My dad (possible BPD) used to complain that my mom never cooked for him and would be grumpy he had to come home to an empty plate after a long days work, except it wasn't, there was food, he simply wanted to cook his own meals.

So mom would make a meal, and leave out something for him to just heat up quickly.

Not quite like your situation but the point I'm trying to make is: Maybe a compromise can be reached.

I know you're tired from work but she's likely just as serious about her race that she sees it as something just as important.

Seeing you relax and her having to take care of cooking and the kids also means she doesn't get to spend her afternoon with you and she doesn't know how to address it directly, so she voices her frustration at the "symptoms" rather than the real issue.

Remember that people with BPD have a sensitive spot for being left out, and she reacts quite intensely to seemingly little things.

You know your situation better, maybe bring some takeout every once in a while? but seriously, help each other out, you're tired, she's tired, the kids are kids and have infinite energy, relate to her and "commiserate" together on the struggles of life, chores can be part of your "together time", could bring you a bit closer.

So how's that sound? Its important like you said to keep getting support, this is a lifetime thing, and it helps to have someone to lean on before and during a crisis, but hopefully its before; nip it in the bud, stop the ember before the fire so to speak.

 Also, take some time to read up on others' situation on the board, sometimes its easier to see solutions from a distance. Hope to hear from you again!

[Ozzie101]

That's a complaint I've gotten many times from my husband. We both work and there's only one child part-time (his from a previous marriage). There are some child-cared duties that are going to be his instead of mine, just because I'm not actually a parent.

In our case, one thing that helped was writing down all the things that needed to be done on a regular basis and sort of doling them out. I'll take laundry. Do you think you can handle the kitchen floor? I'll get his lunch together if you'll help with homework, etc. Having a plan and a team approach can make a big difference.

[BestVersionOfMe]

My dad (possible BPD) used to complain that my mom never cooked for him and would be grumpy he had to come home to an empty plate after a long days work, except it wasn't, there was food, he simply wanted to cook his own meals.

So mom would make a meal, and leave out something for him to just heat up quickly.

Not quite like your situation but the point I'm trying to make is: Maybe a compromise can be reached.

I know you're tired from work but she's likely just as serious about her race that she sees it as something just as important.

Seeing you relax and her having to take care of cooking and the kids also means she doesn't get to spend her afternoon with you and she doesn't know how to address it directly, so she voices her frustration at the "symptoms" rather than the real issue.

Remember that people with BPD have a sensitive spot for being left out, and she reacts quite intensely to seemingly little things.

You know your situation better, maybe bring some takeout every once in a while? but seriously, help each other out, you're tired, she's tired, the kids are kids and have infinite energy, relate to her and "commiserate" together on the struggles of life, chores can be part of your "together time", could bring you a bit closer.

So how's that sound? Its important like you said to keep getting support, this is a lifetime thing, and it helps to have someone to lean on before and during a crisis, but hopefully its before; nip it in the bud, stop the ember before the fire so to speak.

 Also, take some time to read up on others' situation on the board, sometimes its easier to see solutions from a distance. Hope to hear from you again!

Well, I make kids breakfast and pack lunches, then I cook dinner 29/30 nights.  I don't mind the cooking I'm not complaining, but I wanted to make sure you understand the situation.  Kids are 14, 12, and 8 so its not like there is diaper changing going on or anything.  I understand that her running is important and I don't mind that either other than she is constantly complaining about not having enough time.  She spends tremendous time on social media, shopping, and meeting friends during the day.  I handle most things aside from laundry and a few other things.  She manages or social calendar which is fine.  I guess I'm already feeling resentful because of how much I put in, but its never enough.  She still thinks she does all the work which is remarkable.  She also isn't approachable for help.  She is rude and mean or always has some snarky comment to make so usually I just avoid it all together. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

That's a complaint I've gotten many times from my husband. We both work and there's only one child part-time (his from a previous marriage). There are some child-cared duties that are going to be his instead of mine, just because I'm not actually a parent.

In our case, one thing that helped was writing down all the things that needed to be done on a regular basis and sort of doling them out. I'll take laundry. Do you think you can handle the kitchen floor? I'll get his lunch together if you'll help with homework, etc. Having a plan and a team approach can make a big difference.

I think our marriage therapist suggested a calendar awhile back, but it didn't work because I couldn't nail down my wife to commit.  She complains a lot but when it comes time to take action she just says she doesn't want to talk about it or that she has no time. 

[itsmeSnap]

I wanted to make sure you understand the situation

Ok I understand it better now, details help.

I guess I'm already feeling resentful because of how much I put in, but its never enough.  She still thinks she does all the work which is remarkable

There's a post by Randi Kreger (co-author of "stop walking on eggshells") now on the board [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333382.0] about letting go of anger in a relationship, see if some of the advice applies to your situation. Its not a solution, but it might help in future bridge building between you.

Lets focus on the doing part instead of her complaints, you know them not to be correct and although its hurtful to hear a loved one say those things, you know the reality of the situation.

Are there particular ways in which you would like for her to help more? What's been your approach so far?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Ok I understand it better now, details help.

There's a post by Randi Kreger (co-author of "stop walking on eggshells") now on the board [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333382.0] about letting go of anger in a relationship, see if some of the advice applies to your situation. Its not a solution, but it might help in future bridge building between you.

Lets focus on the doing part instead of her complaints, you know them not to be correct and although its hurtful to hear a loved one say those things, you know the reality of the situation.

Are there particular ways in which you would like for her to help more? What's been your approach so far?

Good point, back on track.  I think a great place to start is validation.  In my business I'm paid a lot of money to fix things and find solutions to problems.  Its what I'm great at.  That not a skill that lends itself well to a marriage however.  My tendency is to immediately find solutions to problems before the speaker has finished the sentence.  What I'd like to get good at is S.E.T. each and every time my wife complains, says rude things, or sends texts to me.  Let's just focus on that for now.

[once removed]

What I'd like to get good at is S.E.T. each and every time my wife complains, says rude things, or sends texts to me.  Let's just focus on that for now.

i think it really depends on the examples of rude things or the texts. SET works best for solving conflict, or dealing with relationship complaints, or at times communicating your needs.

if someone is just firing off "youre a stupid idiot and i hate you", its probably not the time to validate.

[BestVersionOfMe]

i think it really depends on the examples of rude things or the texts. SET works best for solving conflict, or dealing with relationship complaints, or at times communicating your needs.

if someone is just firing off "youre a stupid idiot and i hate you", its probably not the time to validate.

Ok here is an example.  My wife sent me a text asking if she should pay cash or on the ccard for a gift she has to get.  I said "cash."  So yesterday she paid me back in cash for something that she bought that was on the business card but wasn't supposed to be.  She has a budget and cash that she gets to spend on things for her.  So I still have the cash in my wallet so she said she is stopping by for that cash rather than using her own.  Its so illogical and selfish(she doesn't want to use her cash I suppose) so my gut is telling me to push back and tell her that this cash is going back into my business account as agreed and to use her own cash.  I don't know how to do it without her feeling stupid, getting pissed, and on and on.  I'm like a deer in the headlights, I don't know what to do with these insane way out of left field moments.  Another example is that she told me that the reason that her credit cards still have balances is because I don't pay them ever.  So I said, "No, the reason is because you use them even though we agreed not to."  Her response is, "Whatever, you always try and make me feel stupid."  How does one deal with that?  Its like she is a 13 year old or something.

[once removed]

whats the backstory here that led to this financial situation.

My wife sent me a text asking if she should pay cash or on the ccard for a gift she has to get. 

im trying to get at why she asked this.

[BestVersionOfMe]

whats the backstory here that led to this financial situation.

im trying to get at why she asked this.

No backstory.  She couldn't pay cash on a website and had to use the business card because I wasn't around out of necessity.  Its not a big deal.  What I have an issue with is her illogical thinking about how the money she paid me back she needed to buy a gift card just now, RATHER than her grabbing cash out of her money to go buy her friends gift card. 

[once removed]

why not ask why she isnt using her cash?

[BestVersionOfMe]

why not ask why she isnt using her cash?

For fear of her wild response and a bunch of drama that I don't enjoy.  I am hoping that I can communicate in more loving ways and trying to understand her viewpoint so that I'm not so blunt I guess.  I think I attach a bit of "your an idiot" in the way that I speak or my tone, or facial expressions.  "You make me feel stupid" is a common theme that she plays back to me.

[itsmeSnap]

"You make me feel stupid" is a common theme that she plays back to me.

Maybe that's her way of saying "you're right and I was wrong". She might feel like you could use her admitting her mistake as ammunition you'd use against her, so she becomes defensive and snarky.

It might be irrational, but its possible.

I think I attach a bit of "your an idiot" in the way that I speak or my tone, or facial expressions

My dad had this smirk when he knew I messed up, I used to think he enjoyed it because he thought he was right and I was wrong. he didn't even know he did it until I called him out on it. is that something similar to what you're describing?

Knowing goes a long way towards changing, mindfulness is a tool that helps with that. obviously you're also trying to let her know where you see room for improvement, take it small steps at a time.

I am hoping that I can communicate in more loving ways and trying to understand her viewpoint so that I'm not so blunt I guess

You're doing great by asking! specifics are easier to tackle and they help figure out the bigger picture piece by piece, keep at it!

[once removed]

For fear of her wild response and a bunch of drama that I don't enjoy.  I am hoping that I can communicate in more loving ways and trying to understand her viewpoint so that I'm not so blunt I guess.  I think I attach a bit of "your an idiot" in the way that I speak or my tone, or facial expressions.  "You make me feel stupid" is a common theme that she plays back to me.

while you dont want to walk on eggshells, you certainly do want to be mindful and not blow things up. our partners, generally speaking, are highly sensitive people.

you may well do those things. people with BPD traits tend to be hyper in tune with the tone and facial expressions of others. not always accurately, sometimes wildly inaccurately, and sometimes incredibly accurately.

mind you, i heard a lot of similar things to "you make me feel stupid". low self esteem tends to run hand in hand with BPD traits too. in other words, it could be both of you.

So I said, "No, the reason is because you use them even though we agreed not to."

there is an element of scolding to that, that people with BPD traits dont tend to do well with, and it can come back at you as an accusation.

it takes finesse, and the communication skills can really help with that (there are mindful ways to communicate things like "why arent you using your cash" that sound less defensive, accusatory or condescending for example).

[BestVersionOfMe]

while you dont want to walk on eggshells, you certainly do want to be mindful and not blow things up. our partners, generally speaking, are highly sensitive people.

you may well do those things. people with BPD traits tend to be hyper in tune with the tone and facial expressions of others. not always accurately, sometimes wildly inaccurately, and sometimes incredibly accurately.

mind you, i heard a lot of similar things to "you make me feel stupid". low self esteem tends to run hand in hand with BPD traits too. in other words, it could be both of you.

there is an element of scolding to that, that people with BPD traits dont tend to do well with, and it can come back at you as an accusation.

it takes finesse, and the communication skills can really help with that (there are mindful ways to communicate things like "why arent you using your cash" that sound less defensive, accusatory or condescending for example).

Ok very valuable.  You have to be hyper-aware at this because I'm hyper-sensitive to "fairness" and it is a trigger for me when I feel that things are unfair.  I'll keep practicing with things and to keep reading. 

[once removed]

Ok very valuable.  You have to be hyper-aware at this because I'm hyper-sensitive to "fairness" and it is a trigger for me when I feel that things are unfair.  I'll keep practicing with things and to keep reading. 

i mention this because i struggled with the concept of fairness too:

dont let the idea of fairness get you hung up on who is right or wrong. it will never help you solve conflict.

[BestVersionOfMe]

i mention this because i struggled with the concept of fairness too:

dont let the idea of fairness get you hung up on who is right or wrong. it will never help you solve conflict.

Agreed life ain't fair and for some people fairness doesn't even matter.  If I am an object then of course I won't be treated fairly.

[once removed]

If I am an object then of course I won't be treated fairly.

hm? who says youre an object?