It gets worse...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I guess this is a continuation of this thread--https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333233.0

So, after emailing my wife yesterday morning, I did not hear from her all day. At 8 pm, I went to play trivia at the local brewery--something I do most Mondays. A bonus of trivia night is that phones are not allowed, so I get a couple of hours not tied to my phone. Trivia is over at 10. I check my phone. I had four or five emails and some text messages from my wife, roughly like the ones I usually get, except the last text is a photo of a piece of paper on fire on the rug in our kitchen. It was sent at about 9. So I start calling while driving to the house, which is about three minutes away. (Yes, should've called 911. I got that.) She picks up and is just screaming. No words. Just screams. I get to the house (not on fire) and go inside. She rushes out from the bedroom screaming and starts pushing me and yelling to get the F out. I walk to the door and stand there for a minute. She threatens to call 911 and "ruin my life." I say maybe that's a good idea. She walks into the other room and sits down. I walk into the other room and sit down in a chair. There's 30 minutes or so of her screaming, punctuated by some name-calling. She tells me I'm cold and indifferent, then starts screaming at me to get mad at her. She gets up and grabs my shoulders/collar and starts screaming in my face, then pushes me and the chair over backwards onto the floor. I go into the other room and put my coat on. I sit down on the sofa next to one of our dogs and put my shoes on. I pet the dog. She comes in and grabs the dog by the scruff of his neck and slings him off the sofa. He growls and howls. She says turn the light out and lock the door when you leave, turns around and walks out. I left.

I think that's about it for last night. She apologized today for "being upset" and told me I could come over tonight. I did. She was calm. There was no screaming, but the gist of her account of last night was that I escalated things by "ignoring" her emails and texts. We talked about how to handle a crisis like last night. She has researched this, but unsurprisingly doesn't think there are any good options. She did tell me that she hasn't told her therapist about any of this or any suicidal thoughts she has. She also told me that she now has two suicide plans--one that could be carried out in a calm moment (her preference) and one that could be done in the midst of a crisis. She would not tell me what the plans are. She told me she has done "dry runs."

Okay. That's all crazy to type out. I tried to channel Chekhov and leave the emotion out of the description. I'm not trying to undersell the gravity of the situation. I'm not actually sure what I'm feeling or what I felt. Something. It's surreal.

I don't at all think I can fix this. I don't think I'm responsible for it. I don't think any of it is okay. I promise I hear the message that I should call 911. I'm not sure what I'm asking or hoping for with the post. I don't know much. That's about the sum total of it all. I don't know. Just don't know.   

[stolencrumbs]

I guess this is a continuation of this thread--https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333233.0

So, after emailing my wife yesterday morning, I did not hear from her all day. At 8 pm, I went to play trivia at the local brewery--something I do most Mondays. A bonus of trivia night is that phones are not allowed, so I get a couple of hours not tied to my phone. Trivia is over at 10. I check my phone. I had four or five emails and some text messages from my wife, roughly like the ones I usually get, except the last text is a photo of a piece of paper on fire on the rug in our kitchen. It was sent at about 9. So I start calling while driving to the house, which is about three minutes away. (Yes, should've called 911. I got that.) She picks up and is just screaming. No words. Just screams. I get to the house (not on fire) and go inside. She rushes out from the bedroom screaming and starts pushing me and yelling to get the F out. I walk to the door and stand there for a minute. She threatens to call 911 and "ruin my life." I say maybe that's a good idea. She walks into the other room and sits down. I walk into the other room and sit down in a chair. There's 30 minutes or so of her screaming, punctuated by some name-calling. She tells me I'm cold and indifferent, then starts screaming at me to get mad at her. She gets up and grabs my shoulders/collar and starts screaming in my face, then pushes me and the chair over backwards onto the floor. I go into the other room and put my coat on. I sit down on the sofa next to one of our dogs and put my shoes on. I pet the dog. She comes in and grabs the dog by the scruff of his neck and slings him off the sofa. He growls and howls. She says turn the light out and lock the door when you leave, turns around and walks out. I left.

I think that's about it for last night. She apologized today for "being upset" and told me I could come over tonight. I did. She was calm. There was no screaming, but the gist of her account of last night was that I escalated things by "ignoring" her emails and texts. We talked about how to handle a crisis like last night. She has researched this, but unsurprisingly doesn't think there are any good options. She did tell me that she hasn't told her therapist about any of this or any suicidal thoughts she has. She also told me that she now has two suicide plans--one that could be carried out in a calm moment (her preference) and one that could be done in the midst of a crisis. She would not tell me what the plans are. She told me she has done "dry runs."

Okay. That's all crazy to type out. I tried to channel Chekhov and leave the emotion out of the description. I'm not trying to undersell the gravity of the situation. I'm not actually sure what I'm feeling or what I felt. Something. It's surreal.

I don't at all think I can fix this. I don't think I'm responsible for it. I don't think any of it is okay. I promise I hear the message that I should call 911. I'm not sure what I'm asking or hoping for with the post. I don't know much. That's about the sum total of it all. I don't know. Just don't know.   

[AskingWhy]

I am distressed to hear what happened in more ways than one.  I know you are venting and maybe alarmed at what you know is the truth. 

The issue with fire is very, very distressing.  If you see/hear this happening again, call 911.  Your W is a danger to herself and others.  What if the fire spreads to a neighbor's home?  And your property will be destroyed?

I am also distressed at her abuse of the dog.  Is she jealous of the dog and the attention you gave?  Anyway, this is of no consequence as there is no excuse for abusing a dog. The dog was obviously being treated that way ny being thrown.  They are as innocent as any child.

Lastly, you are being abused.  You are letting your dog be abused, and taking the abuse yourself.

You have suicide plans and literally playing with fire.  What are you going to do about it?  Your W dysregulates, abuses you and the dog, then blames your for your supposed role in it. 

As for the suicidal ideations and plans.  You have the responsibility to make sure your are safe, your dog is safe and your wife if safe.  It's up to you to relate this to her T. 

Yes, it is surreal.  Being in a marriage with a BPD is surreal, indeed.  (I know the name-calling and blaming well.)  They have their own reality and it has nothing to do with "real" reality.

I am glad you don't blame yourself for your W's actions.  They are not your fault. 

Please see that you and the dog are safe.  A small dog thrown around can be easily injured.  What would you tell a veterinarian if one of the dog's bones were broken.

[babyducks]

hi stolencrumbs,

thanks for posting.   I know that had to be difficult to share and I am glad you could.   that's a step in the right direction.

first I am glad that you and your family are safe.    keeping everyone that way would be a good first step.

I check my phone. I had four or five emails and some text messages from my wife, roughly like the ones I usually get, except the last text is a photo of a piece of paper on fire on the rug in our kitchen.

can I ask,   have you shared these messages with your therapist?    I am not sure how it works where you are but I assume that your therapist and your wife's therapist are both mandated reporters.    i.e. they have to act when some one is a danger to themselves and others.     

regardless if they are mandated reporters,  I would encourage you to share those messages with professional mental health workers.

there is an assumption that people who talk about suicide a lot don't actually do it.  that's a myth.

I agree you are not responsible for fixing her emotions or modifying her actions.   You do have a responsibility for the property, the pets,  and to protect someone who is not in their right mind.

I understand you took the emotion out so you could write your post,  just like Chekhov.    These experiences you keep having with your wife have to be terrifying and horrifying and the cause of some anger.    I think if you get in touch with those emotions, allow yourself to feel them, they will help drive you into action.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

please keep posting.

'ducks

[Enabler]

regardless if they are mandated reporters,  I would encourage you to share those messages with professional mental health workers.

How much of a 'case' for want of a better word do you think you can put together to show a professional that your wife has made serious attempts at planning to commit suicide. My sense is that any partial or failed attempt to get your wife into a secure unit may be like pulling the pin on a grenade... .a grenade she is holding.

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE HERE... .I have no idea what type of a case is required to have someone involuntarily sectioned, especially by a separated husband (I'd imagine the bar would be higher).

I think you know you need to act now, and that is the loving thing to do.

Enabler

[Notwendy]

I grew up seeing scenes like this. I could post some unbelievable things. My BPD mother also threatened and made suicide attempts. Once the dysregulations were over- she was so lucid and calm- it was easy to doubt myself that the scene actually happened and that there was anything wrong with her or even think I caused it.

I suspect much of this is a cry for help and attention but it isn’t possible to know when she might take it too far - either intentionally or not.

I can only imagine the fear this caused for my father. Now that she is a widow we have concerns she might do this again. Thankfully she hasn’t. We- her children- have decided to call 911 for any threats. This is a general rule for anyone who makes a threat. Once evaluated - a professional can then decide if it’s safe for her to be at home or does she need to be admitted. I’m not qualified to make this decision and neither are you. We, as family members, are not objective. My only advice is to call 911 and let her get the professional help she may need if she does this again.

I’m glad you posted. You aren’t alone. I’m sure others have seen these surreal scenes. You didn’t cause this.

[stolencrumbs]

I don't think I have any real choices other than to call 911 if anything even approaching what happened happens again. I'm still not at all confident in the outcome of that, but I don't see another option. I undoubtedly tolerated suicidality to a greater extent than I should have, but the other night pushed past a level of risk I can live with. Three things really shifted my perspective. One is her telling me that she hasn't talked to her T about any of the suicidal talk. One small bit of comfort that I had was that she was seeing a T, and that T wasn't treating things like an emergency. I know she has some awareness of her suicidality because my T has talked to her about it, but she is clearly not in on all that goes on with my wife. Second is that my wife apparently now has a plan. I also took some small comfort in the fact that she did not have any plan. She would tell me that. She was/is hyper-concerned about being successful, and she could not figure out a plan that would guarantee success. So on the checklist of "intent, plan, and means," she only had intent. She now tells me she has all three. Third, and really less significant to me but not nothing, is the threat to call the police and level allegations against me. That makes it even more dangerous for me to be there when she is really out of control.

Anyway, I don't see other options for when she has another meltdown. There is maybe some small chance of doing something while she is not in active dysregulation. It would be so much better, I think, if she voluntarily sought some kind of treatment/intervention. Obviously this isn't going to happen in the middle of an episode. But last night was the most candid conversation we've had about suicide. She did reveal that she has been researching things to do in a crisis, and resources and facilities in our area. She also revealed that her T gave her her home phone number and asked her to call her any time she needed. Now, my wife is not happy with any of these options, but maybe there is some kind of opening there, given that she is at least to some extent searching for some alternative to killing herself. I'm not sure how to best nudge her in that direction, and I probably don't have much time to figure that out before the next wave comes that will require calling 911.

Notwendy: Yes, a lot of this is trying to get my attention. She tells me this. That is clearly what the fire is about. But yes, she can't control what fires do. The chances of things going wrong are high, even if that's not what she wants to happen.

Enabler: Yes, I worry about that. It definitely feels like she is holding the grenade, and if things go wrong with an attempt to force her to get an evaluation/treatment, well... .

AskingWhy: It all scares me, but hurting the dogs really does. She loves those dogs. She may hate me and the house most of the time, but she loves the dogs. To see her so far gone that even that flew out the window is really scary.

ducks: Thanks. I'm not sure about mandating reporting here. I will share this with my T and get her advice on sharing with my wife's T. I agree that getting in touch with some of those emotions might spur action. I made an appt with my T for tomorrow morning.
 

[Cat Familiar]

You're dealing with some very scary issues. I understand being worried about consequences when calling 911. I never did that with my first husband either.

Perhaps if I had done so, I would have avoided lots of bad situations and he might have gotten some help. As it was, by keeping a secret, I enabled him to act out in ways that were damaging to not only us, but others as well.

I think it's important that either you or your therapist reach out to your wife's therapist and give her the full picture of her client.

[babyducks]

stolencrumbs,

I am glad you have a therapy appointment for tomorrow morning.   I hope it provides a great deal of support and encouragement for you.

FWIW,   I think you've reached a good conclusion with good reasoning.    the level of risk is too high.

I suspect you have your hands full but if you have time stop in and let us know how you are doing.

'ducks

[believer55]

Hi Stolen

Just wanted to say thinking of you and hope yo have been able to find some support with your T. Lots of good advice given here.

Take care
B.

[hope2727]

So sorry you are experiencing all this. Please get a counsellor. Please reach out to your local domestic violence and crisis hotlines so they are aware of your situation. Also not a bad Idea to be in touch with local law enforcement so they have a heads up about your situation.

[formflier]

Can you reflect a bit about why you didn't call 911?

I don't fault you for driving over, I don't understand the decision not to call... .there are several points during the story where it seems appropriate. 

What do you think?

FF

[formflier]

I just read the entire post again.  I suspect it would help your T prepare and think about the issue if you can send the messages, pictures and what you have posted here ahead of time.

It's obviously a very serious matter... and I would want your therapist to have as much time as possible to consider this and give you the best advice possible.

Thoughts?

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Can you reflect a bit about why you didn't call 911?

I don't fault you for driving over, I don't understand the decision not to call... .there are several points during the story where it seems appropriate. 

What do you think?

FF

I think I am preternaturally calm. Always have been. It usually serves me well, but it has its drawbacks. I think 'ducks is pretty accurate above. Emotions are often what move us to action. So if I'm not feeling the emotion in the moment, it becomes a deliberative process. There's not much time for deliberation in these moments, so I just deal with it moment to moment and do the same things I've been doing. Something like that is what happened the other night. It's after the fact that I'm able to step back and see just how bad things are. And then there's some period of calm, and I minimize or forget or ignore how bad things are, and then we do it again.

The session with T was good. I would say it was what I expected, but still good stuff to hear and talk through. I should call 911. There really aren't other options. I am not at all convinced that helps very much in the long run, but maybe it will, and doing the same thing isn't helping either. My T does not sugarcoat the process or the potential fallout, and I appreciate that. It will be traumatic for my wife. The mental hospital here is not great. They will likely not keep her longer than 2-5 days. It might not make things any better. She suspects they will recommend intensive outpatient treatment, which she does think would be really helpful. I agree with that. We checked and our insurance does cover it. Mainly we focused on ways to make sure I do what I need to do. I need to rehearse this in my mind. I need to not forget or minimize how bad things are. I need to call when it first starts to happen. Once I'm in the middle of it, I'm not likely to call. She suggested telling a friend and asking them to help. When my wife goes off the deep end, I call my friend and he tells me to call 911. And if I don't, he will. That seems like a good idea.

Oh, and to add to the story above, my wife also beat a door casing with a hammer and hit herself with the hammer the other night. I only discovered this last night. The situation is bad. It's really serious. My ability to make a joke about not liking the burnt rug anyway doesn't make it less serious or less dangerous. I don't think my emotions are going to lead me in the right direction right now. My response to crisis is to turn them off. I can work on that, but I think my work right now is convincing my head to do what I need to do. My wife's life, my dogs' lives, and maybe my life are at stake. Even when I type that right now, it seems to me really melodramatic. I have a very strong urge to just say, eh, it's fine. It'll be fine. Maybe throw in a joke about it only being a tack hammer. That's what I have to be mindful of and guard against. It's not fine. It's not going to magically be fine. I can't make it fine. My wife isn't going to make it fine. 

[Cat Familiar]

I know you're a very logical guy and being that way myself, I know there are pitfalls to using your rationality in dealing with an emotionally dysregulated person. 

As Einstein allegedly said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

It's good that you've got a plan and that your friend is onboard to assist you. Your logical side isn't helping with your wife's out of control emotions. The two of you are wired differently. Remember that.

[babyducks]

Hi stolencrumbs,

I am glad the session with the T was good.    

I think I am preternaturally calm. Always have been. It usually serves me well, but it has its drawbacks.  Emotions are often what move us to action. So if I'm not feeling the emotion in the moment, it becomes a deliberative process.

I want to toss a couple of ideas out and see what you think of them.

First is:   in a crisis or traumatic event there are only four real ways to respond.   Flight.   Fight.    Freeze.   and Fawn.    Our crisis reaction style is kind of wired into us by some of the very earliest crisis's we experienced.    a freeze response allows us to be present but disconnected from what's going on.   we might remember details, like the color of the floor, but have no idea about anything else.   In the natural way the reactions to crisis and trauma work, we should be able to pick between all four.    pick the one that works best; flight, fight, freeze and fawn.    some times we get stuck in one mode.

you've experienced a lot of trauma.    the events you describe are traumatic.   vastly triggering.   it's not unheard of that, there when is so much trauma type stuff going on that the brain can't process it all.   and starts to shut down.   take as much deliberation out of the process as you can.   rehearsing it will help.    even in an extreme freeze, breaking the simple patterns can help.   by the simple patterns I mean... don't put your coat in the same place,   don't put your cell phone in the same place,  make your brain think about each and every next step... .hope that makes sense.

you are not being melodramatic.   not at all.    although I can certainly understand why it might feel that way.    you've been living in constant crisis mode for a very long time.   it's perfectly natural to turn off your feelings in response to that.

I don't think my emotions are going to lead me in the right direction right now. My response to crisis is to turn them off. I can work on that, but I think my work right now is convincing my head to do what I need to do.

Make it as simple as you can.   Actually walk through the motions.    Write yourself short notes to put in your pocket.   First I will X.    and then I will Y.   and then I will do Z.

This is very tough stuff.     You are doing the very best you can.    There are no perfect solutions.

be well
'ducks

[stolencrumbs]

you've experienced a lot of trauma.

This is actually the thing that stuck out the most. I don't feel like I've experienced trauma. I mean, when I list out my life over the last 4 years or so (maybe all 15 years of the relationship), I can see that there is lots of trauma. But I really only think of it that way when someone else describes it as such. Prior to this relationship, I would've been hard pressed to give instances of trauma in my life. The trauma associated with this relationship is something completely foreign to me.  

I used to get debilitating migraine headaches pretty frequently. I only have maybe two or three a year now. They started in high school. I played football games with migraines. I worked 12 hour days for a moving company with migraines. I made it through my brother's wedding and reception with a migraine. I've taught a full day of classes with a migraine. etc. What happens is that I can make it through whatever I have to do. I can deal with the pain and put on a happy enough face and grit my teeth and do what I need to do. Then I completely crash when I'm done. Then I'm nauseated in a dark room with ice on my head. I guess I feel like I'm in the middle of a years long migraine. I'm getting through, but I suspect that at some point there will be a crash.

I like the suggestion about taking as much deliberation out of it as I can. And I think the suggestion to start doing small things differently is wise. Patterns are hard to break, and it does seem like doing even small things to get my brain out of autopilot, or into a different autopilot program, is a good thing to do.

[babyducks]

good morning stolencrumbs,

trauma is a big word that covers a lot of territory.   I think of it like the word 'arthritis' which covers everything from that little twinge in my knee to the total destruction of a joint.    the first reaction when we hear the word trauma is to think of a single catastrophic event,  a car accident, a natural disaster, a random act of violence, a war time experience.    those are traumatic.    honestly I have no idea how people experience some of those events and rebuild their lives.

but there is also a type of trauma that is more complex.    that's its name; complex trauma.  Complex trauma refers to exposure to traumatic events that are long-lasting and generally involve some form of emotional, sexual and/or physical abuse or domestic violence. Complex trauma or stress is a prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape.

I remember the post you wrote a few months ago, where you wrote about your wife lighting matches and throwing them on the floor where you stomped them out.   I've read a lot of posts here.     I've written a few.   I remember that one.    I've noticed how often you describe your wife as 'screaming' no words but primal visceral screams.    It very much seems to me that this is beyond stressful events and into trauma.     so I would stand by my belief that you have experienced a lot of trauma.    it's literally been months of living with the idea that your wife could burn your house down at any moment.   it's literally been years of living with the idea that your wife could take her own life at any moment.

it's been my experience that complex trauma does create the belief that escape is impossible.    It's more than a belief, really.    the reality of chronic, prolonged  abuse fosters an environment of helplessness.   'nothing will ever make this better'.    

I guess I feel like I'm in the middle of a years long migraine.

Yes, basically you are.  in the middle of a years long migraine.   It's been normalized.    It might feel ordinary.     It's not.    

my two cents
'ducks

[formflier]

Perhaps a different way of describing "impossible" is "without hope".  Hopeless.

I don't think you have used that word, but I would ask you if that is an accurate description of your feelings?

I remember holding my first boundary through an extinction burst (when I was a brand new member on here... years ago) and it went EXACTLY as senior members had described.

That gave me a massive amount of hope.  Hope emboldened me to do more/better... .which created more "victories"... .which gave me more (you guessed it) ... HOPE.

That's really what I (and I believe others) are trying to get you to do by taking action to call 911.  I suspect that after that happens, there will be something in that event that gives you more hope... .and that will be the start of a journey back towards something healthier for you.

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Perhaps a different way of describing "impossible" is "without hope".  Hopeless.

I don't think you have used that word, but I would ask you if that is an accurate description of your feelings?

I don't know. I guess it depends on what the object of hope is. I don't feel hopeless about myself. I don't feel like I can't escape. I don't feel very hopeful about my wife or about our relationship.

I hope your suspicion is right, but yeah, I don't have much hope that calling 911 ultimately does much good. I hope I'm wrong, and I'm going to find out.

[stolencrumbs]

I've noticed how often you describe your wife as 'screaming' no words but primal visceral screams.    It very much seems to me that this is beyond stressful events and into trauma.     

Yeah, the screaming is probably the hardest to endure. I watched "Silence of the Lambs" again fairly recently and it has a scene that is the closest I've seen to what my wife seems to go through. It's a scene with the woman in the well. Buffalo Bill lifts up the bucket from the well and she sees blood and a fingernail from another woman who tried to claw her way out. She starts screaming. The sound, the mannerisms... .they are eerily similar. And I actually think it captures what my wife feels, and tells me she feels. She feels trapped, unable to escape, is scared to death, sees death in her future, and thinks I'm at the top of the well, stripping her of human dignity, keeping her there, and somehow enjoying it. I do know that her perception is very, very distorted. But that seems to be her inner reality, and that is the scene that plays out again and again. I think "traumatic" probably does apply.

And abuse... .there's that word again. "Abuse" and "trauma"... .not words I tend to use. My T did stop me about 2/3 of the way through my retelling what happened the other night to point out that I had made two jokes and one self-deprecating remark, and that the sum total of my evaluative description of the other night was that it was "not good." I should maybe get more comfortable with words and descriptions that are more accurate.

I think I also, aside from response to trauma, have some more general issue with going to the police or doing more to protect myself. I had a student-turn-stalker about 6 or 7 years ago. She sent me thousands of emails/texts, called my personal phone, waited outside of my classes, would randomly text me to tell me she had been watching me--telling me what clothes I was wearing, or some place I had been. She alternated between accusing me of planting devices in her head and expressing undying love and devotion. It wasn't until she actually showed up at my house an hour away from where she lived that I went to the police and got a restraining order. That was about a year and a half after it started. So yeah... .I don't know. Add trauma on top of what is already going on with me that leads me to minimize risks, and it's not a good combination.

And btw, you guys are all awesome. Thank you.

[formflier]

Yeah, the screaming is probably the hardest to endure. 

Do you see how sometimes we challenge the mindset?

Why endure it at all?

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Do you see how sometimes we challenge the mindset?

Why endure it at all?

FF

Yeah, I see the challenge. In the case of my wife screaming in loneliness, terror, and pain, I don't see some alternative to enduring it that I could've been okay with. There has been lots of smashing things, name-calling, threats, and violence over the years, but the number of nights of just screaming and convulsively crying far outnumber the ones that included any of that. So, I don't know. Why endure it? Because I think the loneliness she feels is crushing, and I think leaving her to scream in pain by herself is pretty awful. I have, in fact, done that a lot over the last eight months to a year because I could not handle it. I don't feel any better about enduring it less often. I didn't see any improvement when I didn't endure it. I saw escalation to crisis levels, and we've covered how I handled that. I'll see if handling that differently makes a difference. Obviously I'm skeptical, but I'm out of options there that I can be okay with, too. 

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that if you don't make some changes, things will continue as they've been. Currently you're treading water. How long can you continue to do this? You have a long history of enduring misery, whether it be migraines or your wife's behavior. Do you want to be doing exactly what you're currently doing next year? In five years?

And your wife shows no improvement of her behavior. In fact, she sounds absolutely miserable and in limbo. It seems unlikely that she'd be motivated to get more intensive treatment herself. Therefore if there's any hope of her getting better, it's up to you doing things differently.

[stolencrumbs]

It seems that if you don't make some changes, things will continue as they've been. Currently you're treading water. How long can you continue to do this? You have a long history of enduring misery, whether it be migraines or your wife's behavior. Do you want to be doing exactly what you're currently doing next year? In five years?

And your wife shows no improvement of her behavior. In fact, she sounds absolutely miserable and in limbo. It seems unlikely that she'd be motivated to get more intensive treatment herself. Therefore if there's any hope of her getting better, it's up to you doing things differently.

Well and succinctly put. I agree with this 100%

[babyducks]

good morning stolencrumbs,

how are you this morning?   how are you feeling?

you might remember in Margalis Fjelstad's book
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0
she talks about the characteristics of people who end up being caretakers of pwBPD.    we tend to be tolerant, accomidating, the peace makers, stoic, overly responsible, empathic, willing to help, and feel good when we do help.   all of those are good characteristics.   In Moderation.   when paired with a seriously mentally ill person we tend to not moderate our own behaviors but continually double down on those characteristics.   Helping makes us feel good,... .we will do it more... .it didn't work... .well I will help some more.    I count myself as a Caretaker.   I have experience with this.

I would offer that it's not, why endure it at all?   but how much to endure and when to stop.     why endure it at all, can fall into our own version of black and white thinking.    All on or all off.     All yes or all no.   

using your example I would say when you have a migraine - yeah endure and go to your brother's wedding  it's a once in a life time and you probably had an important role.    have a migraine and go to work?    teaching class or at moving company     maybe not so much.    that's what sick days are for after all.    have a migraine and play football?    in my book, that's nope, the team, the game is not more important than your health.    it a form of personal boundaries.   which is something we all here are not usually good at.

hope all is well with you.
'ducks

[GaGrl]

In reading your description about your wife's screaming, I don't hear these episodes as a "typical" BPD occurrence but rather as a true mental break. What would happen if you called 911 to report and ask for medical assistance? It's similar to suicide threats - you are not able to help her when she reaches that state; you can only endure. If she needs help, get help. If she stops screaming because you call for help, then the screaming is manipulative and she learns there is a consequence (but it doesn't sound as if this is the case).

[stolencrumbs]

Yeah, 'ducks, I am definitely a caretaker, and have extended those qualities well past virtue into vice. On Fjelstad's taxonomy, I think I'm a protesting colluder.

The weekend was not uneventful, but it was not at crisis level. So I'm still waiting on the next crisis to come.

I have reached out to more people to try to get some perspective and support. My friend is in the loop and on board with being called at any hour to tell me to call 911. He's also on board with holding me accountable for not just doing the same things over and over. I'm grateful for him. I also discovered recently that my cousin is in the process of getting a divorce from an abusive partner. We were close as kids and into adulthood, but we drifted apart as our marriages and wives consumed us and kept us away from a lot of family gatherings. And when we were together, we didn't trade notes about our wives. Now we are. That has been helpful. I also called the National Suicide Hotline. I'm sure this is not universally true, since the calls get routed to local crisis centers, but this is the second time I've called and the second time it has been entirely unhelpful. Google was more helpful. I know others have had better luck, but I've been disappointed with this resource in my area. I then called the Domestic Violence Hotline. They were very helpful.

I'm not one for making grand statements, because I don't usually stick to them. So I'll just say I'm increasingly aware that I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I appreciate the support here.

[Cat Familiar]

You've got an accountability partner in your friend and you're reconnecting with your cousin, who certainly can understand what you've been going through. 

[formflier]

I like the accountability partner!     

You are taking steps in the right direction!  Keep it up.

FF

[Enabler]

You have a few accountability partners here as well if you want them... .30,000 of them.