I’m exhausted from the merry-go-round of unexpected and irrational outbursts

[Fragileweed]

Hi. I’m new on this site and just need to vent to a like-minded group. My husband of 26 years has BPD and I’m exhausted from the merry-go-round of unexpected and irrational outbursts and verbal abuse. I have a full life of my own outside of our relationship because he’s become more and more anti-social. He will never ever seek pyschiatric help because he thinks there’s nothing with him. I’m very loyal and will never leave him since the guilt would kill me. I’m not sure what I expect to get from this post and site. I have no one else I can talk to about this. My family and friends know that he’s different and moody and a little anti-social but they have no clue of the extent of what I deal with.
Thanks for reading this.

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[Notgoneyet]

Fragileweed,   
 Welcome Aboard ,you in good company here. Myself & a lot of the others here have been dealing with PD for a long time just like yourself so you'll see we all (Get It) here. 
  There is much to learn concerning BPD  right here on this site as well as lots of links to great books. Lots of folks ,myself included, started out w Stop Walking On Egg Shells.
 Your Quote- ."I have a full life of my own outside of our relationship because he’s become more and more anti-social
  That is very good for your self care  .We all need a break from the crazy stuff on a regular basis. A lot of us also see a  counselor on our own to help sort through things & receive some needed validation .
 That's actually  how my uBPDw of 35 yrs started going to our current T (therapist). She too has nothing wrong with her- It was ALL ME !  She came w me to an appointment one day ,to make sure I was being truthful.  . I had done some homework in finding one with BPD/addiction  experience & it has payed off so far w some improvements in the crazy behaviors w both of us.
  Have you ever gotten any help from a good T?
   You are not alone, NGY

[Fragileweed]

Thank you NGY! I was so excited that you responded and am crying reading it. The reality that people on this site get it is very very  carthartic. I’m also sad because this is the first time I’ve accepted the reality that I’m married to a man with a significant mental disorder. But after all my reading about his behaviors he fits BPD to a tee. I used to think it was just his own bizarre up and down, moody, crazy personality.   Plus, he’s gotten worse over the years. I have often considered seeing a therapist and I will still think about it. It’s so unlikely that my husband would go with me and I often thought that if I went to one, I would have to lie about where I am for that hour and not let him know I’m seeing a therapist. Because he thinks therapists are a joke, waste of money, and we can all work out our problems and no need to pay someone. Ha! Isn’t that a shame for him! I have no problem going to see someone (had gone to one for a brief time in my 30’s and believe a good therapist can be quite helpful). But, I’m a busy professional with my own company and have chosen to help myself by building strong social networks. And I play a lot of tennis which helps tremendously.  Also, this site is a new helpful thing! Anyway, because of your comments about seeing someone, if I do go, I will tell my husband I’m going and deal with his wrath over that, just in case there’s a snowball in hell and he decides to go with me. Truly a snowball in hell’s chance. But with global warming and all... .who knows... .haha!
Have a good day!

[Ozzie101]

Hello, Fragileweed! Welcome!

I'm so glad to see you've found our little family here. The more you read and post here, the more you'll see that the people here "get it." We've been (and in some cases still are) where you are. It's a very difficult road we walk, but your fellow BPD family members have tools that can help make things easier. Or even just a virtual shoulder to lean on.

That is wonderful that you have a career, social life and hobbies to keep you busy and engaged. Isolation is something that affects and hurts so many in situations like this.

Like you, I've struggled a lot with the therapist question. My H is undiagnosed. He's seen psychiatrists for years to deal with anxiety and depression and has tried therapists off and on for about 5 years. Never successfully. He's currently in anger management therapy, though he's getting frustrated and threatening to quit. Your post really hit a nerve with me because he, too, has made the "therapists are a waste of money and time" comments. He thinks they're all quacks out to bilk people out of their money and play mind games. He's told me that if I started seeing a therapist, he would be very upset -- particularly thinking I'm telling the therapist private stuff and not knowing what we're saying.

I am seeing a therapist who specializes in domestic violence (my H is abusive in a number of ways, something members and staff here helped me to see). H has no idea and I don't plan to tell him. It wouldn't be safe.

I do encourage you to find a good therapist, but I'd caution you just a bit on one thing. Going to therapy together as a couple can be beneficial. But it can also be harmful and even dangerous, especially when there's a PD involved. If the therapist is not very well-versed in personality disorders like BPD, it can be easy for them to get "snowed" by the pwBPD, who can put on a very convincing act. Then, if that therapist basically does the "You're OK. She's the problem," and reinforces hi twisted perceptions, your situation would get that much more difficult. Likewise, if you're perfectly honest in the session, it can come back to bite you when you're home.

Not trying to discourage you, but just something to keep in mind. Only you know your H and can judge your safety.

My H asked me to come with him to one of his anger management sessions. There was no way out of it so I went. I couldn't be fully honest with the therapist and I sort of hedged, sugar-coated and felt like I was in a mine field. Sure enough, even with all my careful wording, several days later, he lashed out at me for bashing him and for dominating the session. He brought it up again last night. I'm not going back.

Is there an aspect of your relationship right now that's particularly difficult to deal with?

[Fragileweed]

Many thanks for you post, Ozzie101. I’m so grateful already for this site/family.  It’s not just my venting that helps but it’s calming to read other people’s experiences.

I can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions in two ways. First, things can be going reasonably normally for 4 weeks and then out of the blue he’ll have an episode. Every single time (and there are about one a month for the last 3 decades of being together) I feel stunned and angry. It’ll take me a day or two to remember that he can’t help it and he’s not just a complete jerk. And I always forget that he can’t apologize cause he doesn’t think he does anything wrong. I don’t think I’m a perfect human, but I am confident saying that I’ve never (or rarely) done anything that warrants his outbursts of verbal and emotional abuse. So, it’s the constant hit to the guts and I need to figure out how to not be shocked every time.  We are pretty ok together until his evil side comes out so I guess I just get wrapped up in enjoying normalcy.  It’s practically impossible to predict when an episode is about to happen. I know that stress is a trigger but I don’t always know what is stressful to him.

The other emotional torment is being with him around other people. I’m more on cracked eggs when we’re together with people cause he has frequently let the evil out in front of people. It’s so embarrassing. He doesn’t like to be with too many people anyway so it’s not a pervasive worry.

Thanks for prompting me to get this expressed!

[Ozzie101]

It can be so difficult to adjust to the rapid Jekyll-Hyde swings, can't it? It's definitely easy to just relax and enjoy when times are good.

About not being shocked when it happens, a little shock is, I think, actually good. You don't want to get to a place where abusive behavior becomes "normal" or where you just go numb. That's not healthy for you. But if you can get to a place where it doesn't throw you so off-kilter that you can't respond in a healthy productive way, that's a good thing.

Have you studied some of the tools on this site (from the drop-down menu above)?

For instance, there's:
Setting Boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Empathy: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
Ending conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Reading and practicing some of them can make a difference. It takes time and practice, but the skills can be valuable.

Do you see anything there that might be helpful in your situation?

[creampuff]

Because he thinks therapists are a joke, waste of money, and we can all work out our problems and no need to pay someone. Ha! Isn’t that a shame for him! I have no problem going to see someone (had gone to one for a brief time in my 30’s and believe a good therapist can be quite helpful). But, I’m a busy professional with my own company and have chosen to help myself by building strong social networks. And I play a lot of tennis which helps tremendously. 

Yeah, I know this too. My uBPDh has waffled about therapy. At times, he says he will go, but he doesn't do anything to make it happen. I even sent him a list of therapists covered by our insurance, that I had personally vetted to make sure that they were familiar with BPD and had treated pwBPD, but he never made an appointment. It's not that he doesn't believe in therapy, it's that he thinks most therapists that our insurance covers aren't very good. He journals, and he seems to think he gets more out of that than any therapy would do him. I disagree. You can lead a horse to water... .

If you do decide to see a therapist, I recommend reading Walking on Eggshells. At the end of the book it gives really good advice about finding a good therapist. You can call them and ask them questions to get a feel for their experience working with BPD and family members who live with pwBPD.

[Fragileweed]

I read several of the tools articles and they reinforce what I figured out over the last many years. It took me years to figure out not to engage in and try to win a fight or try to talk logically about the issue.  I also finally figured out how to calm a situation with the right words to talk him off the crazy ledge.

And that years-long self-learning has helped my sanity for sure. But that began a pattern of having to always eventually dissolve all my anger over a verbal battering and completely forgive just in order to live a semi-normal relationship existence. Because he can never ever accept any accountability of doing or saying anything wrong. 

And this constant mother-child like unconditional forgiveness means that I don’t have a husband who I can turn to as a friend, support system, strong man, etc.  Most of the time, before he fully can woo me back into a genuine lovey dovey happy time together (and I’m not even talking about sex which has gone the way of the dodo bird) I keep up a fake polite distant act. It galls and saddens me that he doesn’t even realize that I’m not happy or true with him.

Are there any tools for someone who has no other choice but to suck all the BS up, take a couple of days to forget and forgive, a couple more days to truly forget, then flow back into happy almost euphoric communication and non-sex physical affection, only to be shocked back into the next black hole several weeks later?

I’m asking because I feel like such an idiot for forgiving him all the time and allowing us to periodically get back to genuine happy. How do I not lose my self esteem in all this?

[Ozzie101]

You're right. That's a very difficult situation -- so easy to get lost and go numb, which isn't good. It's something I'm struggling with myself so I don't have a great answer.

I do know that it's very important to have outside support, which you say you have. Hobbies are also good. Having outlets, doing things you enjoy that are meaningful to you.

It's been expressed to me that it's important to be at least somewhat honest about my feelings with H. I don't feel fully safe doing that (DV situation), but I'm going to start small. He doesn't have to accept that or acknowledge, but putting feelings out there is a victory in itself. It keeps them and you from being totally invisible.

Do you feel like you can share your feelings with him in a careful way? Maybe someone with more experience than I will have more advice!

[once removed]

Most of the time, before he fully can woo me back into a genuine lovey dovey happy time together (and I’m not even talking about sex which has gone the way of the dodo bird) I keep up a fake polite distant act. It galls and saddens me that he doesn’t even realize that I’m not happy or true with him.

Are there any tools for someone who has no other choice but to suck all the BS up

you cant just dissolve all your anger. stuffing it down just builds huge resentment and disconnect.

there are constructive ways to communicate it (anger, sadness, hurt) that you will need in your tool box (and it will help on some level, regardless of his response) as well as constructive ways to communicate and take the space you need when you need it. youll also need a strong support system like your family here.

more than likely, his way of trying to woo you is because he senses your distance, and/or senses something is wrong, and thats how he copes with it. it feels invalidating as hell for you, though.

[Fragileweed]

I appreciate that, Once Removed. It’s true that he must realize something is amiss or he wouldn’t go into gentler woo-mode. I’m still too jaded at this point to do anything about it, I.e., can’t expect to have a normal calm conversation about any of it. But, I feel better thinking about it in this way... .that I do have some control.