Paranoia is back

[JoeBPD81]

We've had some time without a break-up, we are hardly a couple, but still, no big fights is a win.

My life is divided into work, and being a dad (to her kids), I try to study to get a degree and a better job, but I'm always behind, and I get hoocked to a videogame or a tv-show sometimes.

That's it, not very exciting, no time for social life, I decline most plans with my extended family... .

Still, I live as if I was guilty of something and I had to be careful not to be caught. I have to think hard to remember that I did nothing wrong. But on any day, I don't feel like a good person. And that's because I get accused, and the most important person in my life doesn't trust me.

She always complains that I don't talk. I'm not one that talks too much, but with her, I'm paralized. I know she doesn't believe what I tell her, she tells me that often, and she doesn't listen to the other half and days later she says "you never told me". If I start a story of my own, she takes the first sentence as cue to start a 10 minute monologue on herself.

So I've interiorized "What's the point?" "You are either gonna be ignored or insulted". Most people are OK with me not talking, but she's not.

Well, a couple of workmates asked me to join them for lunch. I had declined that many times, so I said yes, not very eager, but thinking it was the polite thing to do, they are nice people. I had to run some other errands this week, and I told them all to my GF. After talking about this in a good way, even as I knew all my plans are a gate to distrust, she had to say it "I don't believe anything you say, but I don't care".

I try to let it go, but I feel so stupid and humilliated, as half of those errands were for her kids. And I didn't do any of them for pleasure. But I'm doing them knowing she's suspecting something else, and that gets me down for a week.

So, while I was having luch, I was served something that the kids like a lot. So I took a pic, and I send it to her. I knew she wouldn't like "evidence" that I told the truth, but I didn't anticipate the rage it unleashed. My mind tells me that if I suspect my GF is cheating, and I get proof that she isn't, I'll feel better, not worse.

I said I understood was she was saying and I was sorry she felt that way, but that I am a person too. She kept arguing and mocking my feelings, so I stopped (texting, this was all in text). She told me the kids and her weren't coming home after school. I went to bed very early in the evening, because it's the only way for me to stop arguing back. And 5 minutes later, one of the kids is home by himself, and 10 minutes later, she and the other kid.

Before she came, I texted her the kid was home, and a validating text, saying that it was wrong to send the pic while half of me knew she wouldn't like it and did it anyway, that it was selfish, and out of half resentment half stupidity (hoping that it would calm her thoughts). And I told her that I hoped she would forgive it eventually.

Later she answered "don't hold your breath" and all the break -up news. She's breaking up with me for "triggering her paranoia", and she says she will never forgive nor forget that I did that. I was to take the kid to school as all thrusdays, but she told me that she'll do it and that if I get up early I will only be on the way. So, I came to work and the kid was still in bed, he's not making it to school on time. Of course, not a word to me.

So here I am, angry, depressed, confused, and not knowing what the future holds. I spend all my salary on rent and house expenses, she buys groceries. If they leave, I'll have no money for food until I find a smaller place, and they'll have no place to live. I'm more worried about them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi joe,
Your situation sounds very stressful and hard to manage. I can see that you try your best to accommodate your wife and care for your kids, but you are caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

I take from your title that the paranoia gets less severe at times?

She always complains that I don't talk. 

What does she want you to talk about?

She's breaking up with me for "triggering her paranoia"

Is this something that happens frequently?

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for your answer.

I don't know what she wants me to talk about, telling me that I don't talk shuts me up more, I can't find words.

The key of this, to her, is that when she told me she doesn't believe me, she also told me to not insist, or the paranoia would be worse. She wasn't kind about it, but she took it as a big effort to be open and an humiliation to admit that.

I thought I wasn't insisting, and she was kinder later, so things looked better. By the time I send the pic, I thought it was safe. But for her was a stab in her back, and a very cruel thing to do, knowing she was vulnerable.

She has told me I trigger her paranoia many times, but in a kind way. As in, it is unfortunate that you are the subject of my random paranoia. She nerver accused me of causing it directly, with insults.

She believes 100% that she was ok, and I did something on purpose to make her have an episode. To make her feel worse than ever.

[Purplex]

I don't know what she wants me to talk about, telling me that I don't talk shuts me up more, I can't find words.

I am not a big talker myself so I can totally relate to that. Maybe ask her what she wants to hear and what she expects from you in those situations once things have calmed down a bit?   

By the time I send the pic, I thought it was safe. But for her was a stab in her back, and a very cruel thing to do, knowing she was vulnerable

You had good intentions but you can't read her mind. So it's inevitable that you are going to trigger her from time to time. This is unfortunate but nothing you need to blame yourself for. You are giving all you can to care for her and the kids, and even if she can't always see that it's still the truth.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm pretty scared.

In the middle of a text "battle" she went to sleep and when she woke up she said she was very confused. She started to sound like herself, but very tired. Then she said she didn't remember anything about the last 3 days.

It's been 3 days that felt like a split personality. She wanted to destroy our present, so "future her" had no chance to fix it.

I don't know what she really remembers, she can just go through the texts she sent me. I bet it's very scary for her too. She's been distant, but not specially so. Not affectionate, but not pushing me away either. Absolutely no talk about not leaving me after all. She broke up with me, very angry, very definitive... .And now it's like id didn't happen, but no word about it.

We've had a stardard weekend with the kids, we ended up very angry with the older one. And it usually ends up reverting on me too (She can't hate her own kid, so she has to put that frustration somewhere). But that's run of the mill stuff.

This morning I woke her up, touching her head and neck, and she was grateful about it. When I had to leave, I said "I love you" and she said "no" (Pretty common too). Then from work I always send her a good morning text, and she answer "Morning. Can't pretend like everything is normal and fine because it's not. But I hope you also have a good day".

I said thanks, and I have no energy to inquire for more. Like I said, I'm very scared, and tired. The hate and violence of this "other her" really hurt me this time. I fear the next conversation with her.