Punishing him, punishing myself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,
I'm back here after a while.
I was with my ex for 13 years.  I ended the r/s approx 8 years ago - we never had any recycles, I wouldn't allow it. 
Last year he telephoned me after 7 years.  We talked briefly, then a couple of emails which I didn't pursue.
It was his 60th birthday on Monday - it triggered me, and I wished I could wish him 'happy birthday'.  I don't want any type of reconciliation, it's way past that.  I know part of me doesn't want to do this because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of him thinking, I'm still thinking about him.  What does that say about me? 
I also wonder why it's still a thing with me that I'm wondering about wanting to do this after all these years.
I feel confused 

[sm15000]

Hi everyone,
I'm back here after a while.
I was with my ex for 13 years.  I ended the r/s approx 8 years ago - we never had any recycles, I wouldn't allow it. 
Last year he telephoned me after 7 years.  We talked briefly, then a couple of emails which I didn't pursue.
It was his 60th birthday on Monday - it triggered me, and I wished I could wish him 'happy birthday'.  I don't want any type of reconciliation, it's way past that.  I know part of me doesn't want to do this because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of him thinking, I'm still thinking about him.  What does that say about me? 
I also wonder why it's still a thing with me that I'm wondering about wanting to do this after all these years.
I feel confused 

[valet]

hey sm, you can wish him happy birthday without reconciling the relationship. it is a normal, nice, polite thing to do, even for an ex.

that said, you gotta weigh the pros vs. cons of sending a message like that. will he try to push further? are you capable of being firm in sending only a bday message if he does? in other words, is it more worth it to indulge that urge or just let it go?

and i get the whole not giving them satisfaction thing. but isn't that type of thinking just feeding into the old dynamic? maybe this internal conflict is causing your confusion. what do you think?

[sm15000]

Thanks Valet.
Yes, I know - it is, especially on a key birthday.
I don't know if he will push further - the couple of emails he sent after we talked after a long 7 year gap of NC did have a splattering of his, what I'd call 'hooks'... .you know, the you'll never know how much I've missed you over the years stuff but I'm oblivious to that now - they don't work as they did... .six months after I didn't pursue the email conversation, he just sent another saying "was it something I said" - I didn't reply to that.  I won't get pulled in.

I suppose he's 60 now, I'm 54 - the NC thing doesn't sit well with me anymore - I did it because I had to, to recover.  It didn't end well, he affected me psychologically and hurt me in a way I never thought possible but mostly throughout the r/s, we had the greatest times.  So, I have huge cognitive dissonance in my head because I know what he can be like, in the best and worst ways.

But, yes maybe there's part of me that can't/won't allow myself to forgive and I don't like it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey sm, When I get confused, I find it helpful to put things on pause until I have a chance to sort out my gut feelings.  Usually it means I need to sleep on the issue for a day or two, in order to let the water clear.  It's about what is in your heart, in my view.  When the right answer appears, I predict you will recognize it.

LuckyJim

[valet]

Thanks Valet.
Yes, I know - it is, especially on a key birthday.
I don't know if he will push further - the couple of emails he sent after we talked after a long 7 year gap of NC did have a splattering of his, what I'd call 'hooks'... .you know, the you'll never know how much I've missed you over the years stuff but I'm oblivious to that now - they don't work as they did... .six months after I didn't pursue the email conversation, he just sent another saying "was it something I said" - I didn't reply to that.  I won't get pulled in.

I suppose he's 60 now, I'm 54 - the NC thing doesn't sit well with me anymore - I did it because I had to, to recover.  It didn't end well, he affected me psychologically and hurt me in a way I never thought possible but mostly throughout the r/s, we had the greatest times.  So, I have huge cognitive dissonance in my head because I know what he can be like, in the best and worst ways.

But, yes maybe there's part of me that can't/won't allow myself to forgive and I don't like it.

i get that. i went NC with my ex for a solid 2 year period about a year after the breakup and it didn't feel right. almost like i wasn't even doing it for myself, like i was just going NC to follow 'the rules' for these types of breakups.

really, i was lost and just trying anything because I couldn't cope with my feelings. i didn't know how i felt, so there was no compass. that's the confusion i'm talking about, if that makes any sense.

do you feel like you need to forgive him to resolve that inner conflict? what's going on in that area?

[sm15000]

i was lost and just trying anything because I couldn't cope with my feelings. i didn't know how i felt, so there was no compass. that's the confusion i'm talking about, if that makes any sense.

It makes total sense... .and I knew I was still vulnerable to him.

I think in a way I do have to forgive him to resolve the conflict... .sometimes, I feel like I have - other times, no.  Perhaps, I've just not realised how long this would take and am being too hard on myself.

Lucky Jim - in my heart, I just want to say 'Happy 60th Birthday' - bloody hell you're 60  ... .perhaps that's the way it should go

[Lucky Jim]

in my heart, I just want to say 'Happy 60th Birthday' - bloody hell you're 60  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .perhaps that's the way it should go

Love it, sm15000!  Suggest you do what is right for you, which sounds easy but can sometimes be hard to figure out.  LJ

[Insom]

Hi, sm15000.  I can relate with how birthdays and other milestones sometimes raise unresolved feelings.  How are things going today?  Did you end up reaching out?

[sm15000]

Hi, sm15000.  I can relate with how birthdays and other milestones sometimes raise unresolved feelings.  How are things going today?  Did you end up reaching out?

Hi Insom, yes, I did.
We had a few emails back and for over a few weeks which resulted in him asking me if I wanted to meet for a coffee sometime.  I took some time to think about it then said yes.  That was a couple of months back and i haven't heard anything but that is OK...if I don't, I don't...if he pops up again in the future I will see how I feel at the time.

It feels very different when you genuinely don't want anything from contact...and that realisation feels good!