Asked BF with BPD to move out... need advice

[Dasher]

Hi, all~

I posted a couple of times a month or so ago about my boyfriend who I believe has BPD. I purchased some books and read through these message boards and lessons. I’ve been silent ever since as I’ve been unsure about remaining in the relationship... .just doing lots of thinking. The holidays were an absolutely nightmare and I felt very drained, stressed, and anxious.

In November I actually brought up BPD to my BF and asked if he could relate to some of the signs. He said he could. He also agreed to go to counseling. Two weeks ago our therapist diagnosed him with BPD and said he was also severely depressed and has significant anxiety. He was also diagnosed with PTSD several years ago due to physical abuse by his father as well as his time in the military.

We have only been together for 7 months and he lives with me. It was a whirlwind romance as I’m sure many of you can relate to. This situation is very unusual for me as I have a daughter at home and have rarely brought men around her since her dad and I split 8 years ago. So to move right in with someone was very out of character for me and just plain stupid. BF really wanted to live together and everything seemed so great at the time that I finally relented.

It didn’t take long for his anger and rage to surface on a regular basis. He drinks often which doesn’t help at all. My daughter was visiting her father from shortly before I met BF until November so she has not been exposed for very long, thankfully; but she has definitely seen his grumpy mood and some anger. When he’s mad at me he doesn’t even acknowledge her.

At yesterday’s counseling session I brought up that I want him to move out. I bring it up often at home and he blows me off (he then tries to smooth things over, hoping I will change my mind). He was very upset about it as we talked to our therapist. I told him that I thought some space would be beneficial for us as he works through the BPD issues, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. He disagreed. His fear of abandonment really kicked in and he thinks I want to end it with him. I am still open to a relationship since he is so willing to get help.

He says he hates feeling so depressed and angry and anxious and wants to learn better ways of handling his emotions. He started taking CBD oil last week which has helped tremendously. He hasn’t gotten angry once since taking it... .well, except for one day— the one day he skipped taking the oil. I am seeing a little bit of hope.

We’ve been texting all morning about him moving out (he brought it up). It has caused a lot of anxiety in him. He keeps saying I’m tossing him out, that I have another man lined up, and calling me by his dad’s name and saying I’m beating him down like his dad did. He is scared and really pressuring me to let him stay. I am trying to remain calm and loving while being honest and not backing down. I don’t know how to handle this at this point without things getting out of control. Any advice?

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[Purplex]

Hi Dasher,

it sounds like you and your boyfriend made a lot of progress since you came here for the first time! It's a huge step for him to get diagnosed and go to counseling, but this is also a whole new situation that can be incredibly intimidating and overwhelming and is probably going to take some time to adjust to.

I think it's a good sign that he initiated the conversation about him moving out, it feels like he went from disregarding it to cautiously considering it. He also gave you a good impression of what his concerns and fears are. This is extremely helpful, because you have something to work with and don't have to guess what's going on. 

I am trying to remain calm and loving while being honest and not backing down.

This is the right approach. Its important to listen, show empathy and validate without loosing track of your own needs and wishes. Communication strategies like S.E.T. are very helpful for that. Are you familiar with those tools?

Maybe try to shift the focus to the positive changes that would follow a spacial separation. Give him a precise idea of how your daily life would look like, how it could be fun setting up his apartment together, how you would be more relaxed and therefore more able to support him and enjoy your time with him. Stuff like that.
Do you think this could help?

[Dasher]

Thank you for your response, Purplex. My boyfriend and I really have made a lot of progress since I first posted. I am grateful that therapy and hearing his diagnosis has not been a negative experience for bf. I only hope he sticks with it and does the hard work. I have a lot to learn as well.

I am aware of S.E.T. It is challenging for me and definitely doesn’t come naturally; I have to work hard at it. I have been trying to use S.E.T. with him last night and today. He is spinning out of control a bit regarding my wish for him to move out so I’ve had to take it all very slowly. Right now he’s trying very hard to be the perfect boyfriend in hopes that I will change my mind. He feels like he can’t make it on his own without me. This is proving to be very tricky.

[Purplex]

I only hope he sticks with it and does the hard work. I have a lot to learn as well.

I hope so too! My bf has already been in therapy before we met and is very commited to it. This really helped us lay a foundation for our relationship and work on us as a couple and individually. I believe it can make a big difference. And as you say, we also have a lot to learn.

He is spinning out of control a bit regarding my wish for him to move out so I’ve had to take it all very slowly.

I understand. This is something that requires a lot of patience and sensitivity and I can imagine that it's very challenging to balance that with your desire for a change.
I assume that you didn't take any action concerning his move yet(look for an appartment, set a date etc.)?
 

He feels like he can’t make it on his own without me.

Well as things look right now he is not going to lose you, right? It's just a rearrangement. A fresh start. I know that at the moment he probably can't look at it that way. But if you keep framing it as a positive thing maybe some of that will leak through with time.

[Harri]

Hi! 

I just want to join Purplex and say hello.  It is great that your boyfriend is so willing to work in therapy.  That is very promising.

SET, as you have been using, is very good and can be accompanied by validation or more accurately, making sure you do not invalidate him.  I am not saying you are but (!) sometimes when talking with someone who is highly sensitive we can be invalidating without even realizing it.  Also, SET works best when used in conjunction with other tools like "Don't invalidate and Don't JADE.  I linked them here in case you are not familiar with them.   

Read through them and see if you think they will help and we can talk about them if you want.

[Dasher]

I assume that you didn't take any action concerning his move yet(look for an appartment, set a date etc.)?

A few weeks ago I looked up a website to find roommates in the area. I was curious what might be out there for him. I did mention it to my bf at that time but have not discussed it since.
 

Well as things look right now he is not going to lose you, right? It's just a rearrangement. A fresh start. I know that at the moment he probably can't look at it that way. But if you keep framing it as a positive thing maybe some of that will leak through with time.

Correct! I feel the need for space so that we have to room to work on ourselves and our relationship without always being together. Also, in case he chooses to not continue therapy and getting well, it’s a safeguard for me that he’s already out of my apartment.

[Dasher]

SET, as you have been using, is very good and can be accompanied by validation or more accurately, making sure you do not invalidate him.  I am not saying you are but (!) sometimes when talking with someone who is highly sensitive we can be invalidating without even realizing it.  Also, SET works best when used in conjunction with other tools like "Don't invalidate and Don't JADE.  I linked them here in case you are not familiar with them.   

Read through them and see if you think they will help and we can talk about them if you want.

It’s amazing how much my bf’s BPD is forcing me to deal with my own issues! Wow! I have been a lifelong argue-er! My dad used to tell me I should have been a lawyer. I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and justice being served. I made sure that happened! If I felt I was right about something I would argue it to death and had to have the last word. I have experienced first hand just how detrimental that is when communicating with a pwBPD.

I just read the thread you linked about JADEing. I have definitely been communicating that way. One comment that really struck me was: “When I react to the words rather than respond to the emotions behind them is when I am most likely engaging in JADEing. At that point in the interaction the focus shifts from me listening to understand to defending myself.”

That REALLY helps me. I need to “hear” the emotions behind the words and respond to that rather than the horrible words being spewed at me. I think that perspective will help me to not take things so personally and to focus more on the real issue. Thank you for sharing those links. I’m off to read about invalidating because I’m certainly guilty of that as well.

Thank you for your help.

[Purplex]

Glad you found some tools that resonate with you, Dasher! 

Feel free to share and discuss your thoughts and experiences with them, we can learn so much from eachother and your insights might be valuable to other members as well!

[once removed]

“When I react to the words rather than respond to the emotions behind them

along with abandonment fears, there is often that fear that another shoe is going to drop. people with BPD dont deal especially well with big changes. our partners need firmness and consistency, yes. they also need a little extra reassurance and hand holding, at times, when they look to us for emotional strength.

do you think there are ways you could demonstrate, without necessarily explaining verbally, that this change doesnt signal the end of your relationship?

[Dasher]

along with abandonment fears, there is often that fear that another shoe is going to drop. people with BPD dont deal especially well with big changes. our partners need firmness and consistency, yes. they also need a little extra reassurance and hand holding, at times, when they look to us for emotional strength.

Do you think at this point it would be detrimental to his recovery and our relationship to have him move out? I guess I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons. He is in therapy and very accepting of help. He truly wants to get better. He is taking CBD oil which has curbed his anger tremendously. He gets upset but does not rage. I feel badly about asking him to leave because, as you mentioned, he thrives on consistency. However, it is stressful having him here and I am mostly concerned for what my daughter may be exposed to. Also, I worry that he may quit therapy and recovery down the line and it will be more difficult to have him leave at that point. I’m not sure if you have any experience or advice regarding this issue as someone who has been a part of this forum for some time.

do you think there are ways you could demonstrate, without necessarily explaining verbally, that this change doesnt signal the end of your relationship?

We still live our lives as usual. We go out together, text throughout the day, joke with each other, hang out at home. We are intimate and hold hands and cuddle up on the couch. Is that what you mean? Nothing has really changed except that I’ve asked him to move out. Though I am concerned that those things are giving him a sense of hope that I will change my mind.

[once removed]

Do you think at this point it would be detrimental to his recovery and our relationship to have him move out?

if it were, would that be the most important consideration to you? would it change your mind?

[Dasher]

if it were, would that be the most important consideration to you? would it change your mind?

Thank you for asking these questions. I get so caught up in this that I can’t seem to think clearly sometimes. Right now I have to put my daughter’s needs first. She is not comfortable with my boyfriend here.

[Harri]

Hi Dasher.   So where does this realization leave you? 

[Dasher]

Hi Dasher.   So where does this realization leave you? 

I have asked bf to move out by the beginning of March. He is upset and fearful and pleading for another chance. He went into a rage this past weekend and it really scared my daughter. I feel bad for him and know that this will be very difficult for him... .but I cannot have him behaving like that in front of my daughter. I am saddened by the entire situation.

[Q-DawgVFR]

My wife and I are doing a trial separation right now while she focuses on intensive self work, therapy, reflection and consideration for what she wants in future. It was her request to do the separation (she felt she was unable to get the distraction free environment she needs at home).

Anyway the last week before she moved out, she was second guessing,  fearful,  disengaged and distracted.   I reassured her I would be waiting to talk things out at the end of the month and that we both need the time to reset.

I think you're doing the right thing balancing care and empathy for him while putting your daughter's well being first,  and thinking about yourself too.

He might have a hard time for the first little while being on his own, but I don't know him or you.  Just saying there may be an adjustment period.   (In my situation, my wife texted a couple nights ago to say she wants to come back, which is a message I have chosen not to respond to: if she is persistent,  I will address it)

Hope you are able to navigate through this tricky situation successfully,  in looking out for your family's well being