The story of John Henry

[JNChell]

I remember the story of John Henry from childhood. I vaguely remember the illustrations from children’s books. There’s been some good songs written about this fictional character. I’ll share one or two at the end of this post.

If you’re not familiar with the story, it’s about a man that does one hell of a job at breaking rocks with a nine pound hammer. Or more accurate, making holes with hit. Townes Van Zandt wrote a good song from the story titled “Nine Pound Hammer”. I think that it was written about John Henry’s passing and where he went. Kind of like John Henry’s will in lyric.

I don’t know why this old story came to mind tonight.

John Henry beat his way through the mountain before the machine did. His heart gave out on the other side. Maybe the metaphor that is randomly popping up here is to keep a steady pace. Don’t overwhelm yourself and your heart. Don’t push too hard, friends. Go at your own pace. This isn’t a race, it’s a positive outcome.  It’s a steady pace

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FUO1gGyHd-8

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PJkkk-n6CL4

You all deserve to realize that you are capable of not having to beat through a mountain to feel respect and love. Especially not while racing a machine. Machines don’t feel emotions. Let the machine go first. Sometimes following is leading. Put the hammer down for a bit.

[Cromwell]

Thanks JNChell

For some reason I found those inspiring for the point im at in detaching.

A machine is still an embodiment of human labour and design. I wonder how much of the song relates to the rise of mechanisation and the rise in the organic composition of capital that nudged out human labour in so many industries including the railroads, was John Henry symbolic of the resistance against this and the futility in doing so?

The theme of my own recovery was finding the solidarity on this board, I ended the relationship and had reached/found my limitations. I was alone throughout. Sometimes it is a team that is needed, that strive for a common purpose.

There is no robot yet designed that could have replaced this function (im sure they will be working on it though).

Yep, it sure has been emotional work that went beyond the "high maintenance girlfriend" norm.

Im sure youve heard this one before JNChell, not sure exactly why I thought of it either.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5VMZqgVzRo

[JNChell]

Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that song. My old man would play his record collection and drink beer on the weekends.

John Henry was a symbolic theme in man vs. machine. I’m not sure why it was written, but I think that there is a strong mind behind it. If it was about futility, maybe John Henry was the last middle finger to the job killers. Pride.

I was alone throughout

I understand your feelings. I don’t know how to properly word this. I ended up in the hospital after the final break. My best friend was there. He didn’t ask, he told me that I was going home with him and that I’d be staying there until I was back on my feet. I had him. I had everyone in my little circle, but there were times when I felt like I had no one. See, my friend lives on a large piece of country property that is shared with his parents. Nice houses and a lot of people coming and going. Every night is dinner at his parents house. I isolated a lot while living with him. I felt a lot of shame for going over there to eat. I knew better, but my feelings got the best of me. I basically grew up on that property. I was allowed to raid the fridge and make myself at home at that place. It was hard to return as a damaged adult, but it was necessary. I’m sorry, I’m getting off point here.

Cromwell, I’m sorry that you were on your own. I remember you visiting PSI briefly, and that it was a bit overwhelming for you. How are you feeling lately? This crap is a roller coaster even after getting off the ride.

[Cromwell]

Im doing good JNChell

I think I went into a tailspin a few nights back, woke up with a nightmare, she was at the forefront of my mind. theres some underlying anxiety there, triggered by her birthday coming up soon. but delete all of the latter,  life is great and  ive learned to bounce back out of this crap.

it helped to have had those 3 weeks where I got back in contact with her, I invalidated a lot of stuff, it was helpful to show a different side - I was in a stronger bargaining position and used it to co-author the narrative of what she was writing all the way prior.

The anxiety has diminished, as have the blues.

vultures only circle around the mortally wounded - im not in that category anymore.

[JNChell]

Cromwell. You’ve stated your case here. Are you getting help for it?

I’ve been having nightmares as well. I’ve also been dreaming about my ex. It sucks.

What are the nightmares about?

[I Am Redeemed]

Pride, yes, that's what came to mind for me.

I feel that I have let pride determine my pace and as a result I have pushed myself when it wasn't necessary or otherwise overwhelmed myself when a slower progress would be acceptable or even more reasonable.

Sometimes I think I have to keep sledgehammering the mountain as fervently as possible because if I can just get it out of the way, then I will be OK.

But if I collapse on the other side, I really didn't accomplish anything.

I use the hammer out of frustration. Chipping away is tedious, and I get impatient with it.

Pride tells me that I have something to prove. That gets me in trouble because I don't pay attention to the warning signs that I need to slow down.

Thanks for this reminder, JNChell.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Slowing down is hard, Redeemed.  It’s foreign. Maybe we can help each other. What is one way that we can slow ourselves down?

[Cromwell]

Cromwell. You’ve stated your case here. Are you getting help for it?

I’ve been having nightmares as well. I’ve also been dreaming about my ex. It sucks.

What are the nightmares about?

I cant even recall, I woke up from it though with the sweat and heart palpitations. I had just spent the day on a date after, just had good news on my exams, I was on a high happy note, and had not thought of my ex at all. It seemed like she had been banished, i had found some true absence of anxiety, I thought it was all over, it felt like I had my life back again. It was strange to feel that way, that I had reverted back to the normalacy I had not experienced for so many years.

Im not sure if I was dreaming about her or not, its possible I just woke in that state and made the association to her. Theres nothing else that I can put down to it.

I guess it helps nowadays that I dont over-think or ruminate this stuff, having a nightmare a few times a year is far progress from being in a r/s that led me to have them continually combined with sleep deprivation. Like you said in an earlier post - keep going steady on, stuff like this I need to try and get better at simply shrugging off rather than absorbing and amplifying.

[JNChell]

Hey man, it looks like progress to me and I’m glad that you’re seeing it that way. It’s been a while, but you’re not that far out from being out of an intense situation that had no closure. Things are going to pop up for a while. It must feel good to date again. I’m really missing women currently. I hope that doesn’t sound off putting, but I like companionship. I just don’t feel that I’m ready yet. I’m not currently in a place where I can attract what I truly desire. If I did attract her, I would be acting. That’s hard for me to acknowledge. Part of me wants to put myself out there and I do subtly. I feel like I need to start getting used to putting myself back out there in all ways and opening up again. Isolation is something else. It can literally become a way of life.

Good news about your exams? Please share! I say this a lot around here. I always love to hear about success stories.

You had a setback, but you bounced back from it, yeah? The next time that it happens, which it most likely will, try to implement some Radical Acceptance. Stay grounded in the present. This might sound silly to you, but it works. Take a pause and focus on your breathing. Next, what do you smell? Then, what do you hear? After that, what do you see? Pay attention to your senses and realize that you’re in the present and that you’re safe from the uncomfortable thoughts that you were having. My T taught me this very early on in my therapy. She’s been treating trauma survivors for over 25 years. She’s quite awesome. Man, you’ve come a long way since you joined us. I’m proud of you, Cromwell.

[I Am Redeemed]

Slowing down is hard, Redeemed.  It’s foreign. Maybe we can help each other. What is one way that we can slow ourselves down?

Good question, JNChell. I wish I had a really good answer, but I only got as far as detecting the problem.

Maybe, for me, anyway, one way would be to scale back the expectations of where I "should be" in the healing process.

I tend to take the same approach to healing as I do with working towards my degree. Take these classes, do these assignments, check those things off the list and eighteen months from now I will reach my goal.

Healing isn't like that. I can't just work harder and force it to happen sooner.

It scares me to think that I might have to manage some symptoms of c-ptsd for the rest of my life. I want to get rid of it, be done with it, and not have to add another disorder to the list of conditions that may go into remission but still lurk in the shadows (MDD and substance abuse disorder being the two others currently in remission).

Scaling back my expectations on myself to "hurry up and get better" would take some of the pressure off and allow me to truly grow.

Also, radically accepting the exact point I am at in the healing process right now, today, believing that it is exactly where I am supposed to be and resisting the urge to compare it to where I want to be.

I don't know if that makes sense or if it answered the question.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Redeemed, wise, wise and wise! Letting go of the expectations. I’m learning that expectations can set us up for disappointment. Especially on our path to healing. I think that reasonable expectations have their reasonable place, but it’s hard to place any expectation on our healing. The healing path can be all over the place. Like you said, you placed reasonable expectations on your goal and basically mapped it out. You have a general idea of where this path is leading so it’s easier to navigate. This makes sense. Healing is a whole different animal. Quite honestly, I wish that I was further along in it because these feelings are becoming pretty old to be fielding on a daily basis. We can’t map this path. We have to adjust to it for the time being. Eventually, we will be able to map it through work and determination.

Don’t be afraid of how you feel. Embrace it and address it. Look it in the face and do what needs to be done just like you did with the other things that you stated.

Your words make perfect sense.

[Tsultan]

Great reminder to be gentle with ourselves JNChell,

For me, recovery is a process not a race.  Trust the process.  HP will bring my lessons to me when I am ready to learn them.  He always does.  I have accepted that as a child of an alcoholic (two actually), that I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism and always will see life to a certain degree through that lense.  My recovery work will be lifetime.  I am okay with that.  I am always amazed how I continue to learn new awakenings about myself in the rooms of recovery.  I do have a problem with the notion of being whole.  I honestly don't think it is possible to be 100% whole.  Maybe when I have crossed over to the other side to be with my HP in a spiritual sense I will be whole but to be human and to be whole - not possible.  I am human.

Your post does raise a question in my mind.  How do we measure our progress in recovery?  Whatever we might be recovering from... .

I can share a few positive outcomes as a result of my recovery work that I consider are tangible forms to measure my progress:

I can listen to others sharing without having to be right or interject my opinion on the situation.  I have been given the gift of listening because of my recovery.

I don't need other people's approval like I used to.  I have learned to validate myself.  Used to be if you were okay with me then I was okay with me. 

Humor.  I can laugh now.  Boy does it feel good to laugh!   

Self care - physically, mentally and spiritually.  Going for walks, eating healthier, sharing at meetings and here on this board, praying and meditation.

Be present for my children.  That's part of listening but definitely a gift I can give them as I know my parents were not always present for me.  Especially my mother.  She was distracted with other things.  I remember when I first started my recovery process I recognized that I would become breathless while talking to my mom.  I became aware that I had this fear that she would go away so I would try to rush every word in as fast as I could.  I decided I wasn't going to compete for her attention anymore.  Ironically, she started listening to me on her own.  I also had the gift of giving her unconditional love the last few years of her life. 

Feeling joy.  I heard people talking about joy in the rooms of Al-Anon and I thought what the heck it that?  Some fairy tale stuff.  Lucky me now,  I experience it.  Feeling joy comes with a price I discovered.  I could not feel joy if I wasn't willing to work through and feel pain.  Although pain is not my favorite feeling, 100% worth it.  I can't pick and choose which feelings to feel that come across my process.  If I suppress one feeling then I suppress the others to a degree.

That is enough from me.  Thanks for listening.

How do you measure your recovery progress?

Bluegill

[JNChell]

Well, BG, I think that my recovery process is moving forward. I have no way to gauge it. I’m letting it run it’s course and chipping away at it. It’s slow, and I wish that it wasn’t. It is what it is. It can also feel very lonely at times.

My recovery work will be lifetime.  I am okay with that.

Maybe when we become passionate about something it’s pretty cool to become lifelong work. What better thing to become passionate about than ourselves. I’ve gained a lot of wisdom since becoming a contributor to this community. Wisdom has no end and is continually evolving with the times. The work is freeing. It has no end.


Your post does raise a question in my mind.  How do we measure our progress in recovery?  Whatever we might be recovering from... .

I don’t have an answer for your question. Recovery just happens as it will through the determination of the Survivor, I suppose. Recovery is what we make of it. It feels slow for me, how about you?

Your triumphs and self awareness are inspiring. Thanks for bringing them here for others to read. You know, we have a lot of Lurkers (we see you) , that read here. Your positive words are being read by them as well. Thanks for becoming a strong presence here, BG. Maybe once the kinder weather comes around we can share some fishing adventures.

[Cromwell]

Good news about your exams? Please share! I say this a lot around here. I always love to hear about success stories.

Averaged out, its first class level. The grades do not count in the first year, but im glad to have not just passed but done better than I thought. Was a bit surreal but I feel as if Im slowly coming back to planet earth again.

The next time that it happens, which it most likely will, try to implement some Radical Acceptance. Stay grounded in the present. This might sound silly to you, but it works.

I will JNChell, the thing is not letting the flood gates open to these thoughts, I tried to distract them away, it doesnt work. Ive tried a bit of Radical Acceptance, it does work, but it has to be done in time. For me at least, if I can stop the tape just as it starts Ive dodged it, if I let it play it becomes an endless loop usually lasting the whole day.

Man, you’ve come a long way since you joined us. I’m proud of you, Cromwell.

Thank you JNChell, it means a lot.