where do I start?

[rainbowmom]

I first heard the term BPD about a month ago. My partner and I were seeking couples therapy from a top local therapist who offers Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This was our 3rd attempt at couples therapy and I really liked the therapist and her approach. During our first appt, we discussed some general topics that have been struggles for us. Then we each scheduled an individual interview style appt with the therapist. My partner seemed very distressed after her interview appt. Mine went ok. I thought the angle of the questions was very interesting and I could already see that this woman knew what she was doing. Then we had our next appt together. We were told we both had "significant trauma" that needed to be dealt with prior to working with her. My partner reacted badly to this and I watched her get very upset and it went downhill from there. Within seconds she was telling the therapist that if she didn't help us that she (my partner) would be forced to ask me to move out as she saw no other way that we could resolve our issues. Needless to say, I found that upsetting. Cue the drama that would bleed into the holidays... .

I immediately purchased the DBT workbook and read the entire thing. I was expecting to have an epiphany after being told I had experienced significant trauma in my life. Instead, I realized that I have been doing those skills naturally for years. I continued to read everything I could find about BPD. And that was when I realized the couples therapist had done me a huge favor by telling us that we BOTH had trauma and needed DBT. If she had singled out my partner, I'd be homeless right now.

A few days later, when my partner was calm, I mentioned that I had read the DBT workbook and that I really liked the information about meditating. She shared that she knew I didn't need DBT and admitted that she needed to go through it. Again. It is times like that one that give me hope.

Prior to finding the new couple's therapist, my partner had been seeing a therapist on her own for about a year. She gave the two therapists permission to talk on the phone about her case. After that conversation, she met with her own therapist and was told she had BPD. She came home, devastated, and shared this with me. The aftermath of hearing this diagnosis led to her emailing, calling, and texting her therapist, who then backpedaled and told her she only had some traits of BPD and said that was what she had originally meant. I was left feeling confused. During her next appt with her therapist, she was told about the conversation in which the two therapists had discussed her case. Her therapist made disparaging comments about the couples therapist and told her that she did not have BPD and she just needed to keep working on her DBT skills. My partner came home from that appt feeling relieved and full of venom toward the couple's therapist I had liked so much. The next day was the last appt we had with the couples therapist. After that appt, my partner has said she is done with therapy as she has decided her own therapist acted unprofessionally (I would have to agree with that statement if what she told me is true).

So here I am. I live in her house and every time she gets triggered, she threatens to throw me out. I would have left months ago if I didn't also have my youngest son living here with me. He is almost ready to move out on his own and I know once he's gone, it will affect my decision to stay in the future.

I've found a local support group that meets once a month very close to me. It requires me to come up with a story in order to explain where I'll be. Tonight is the first meeting I'd be able to attend and the events of the day are already leading me to believe it isn't going to happen. It's not ok for me to spend time with friends or family. I have the day off so I can't say I worked late. I'm sure you know the drill. I'm not good at lying nor is it something I aspire to being good at.

My closest friends have encouraged me to make a plan in case I have no choice but to leave. I had put that off for months but now I've done it. I know that once I leave, I'll never get back inside this house. I'll only have one chance to get my things out. I also know that she will do everything she can to damage my reputation after I'm gone. We broke up once after dating for about 6 months and she showed me what she is capable of. I wish I had known then what I know now.

When things are good, we have an amazing relationship. When things are bad, it's hell. I believe if she was given a diagnosis of BPD by someone she trusted, she would do everything in her power to overcome it. I'm so discouraged by the current situation. I do not have mental health coverage on my insurance and I don't have the funds to pay privately. I was hoping we could get another couples therapist within her insurance network so that there would be a place to have hard conversations with the help of a therapist. She seems open to this, but doesn't pursue it.

I recently figured out that she has no memory of the horrible things she has said to me when she was upset. It's like she blacks out during that time. And it explains why she seems so confused by my inability to just shake off our "little disagreements". I was able to have a conversation with her about this and it led to her doing some research on it, but I think she determined it's a normal thing that lots of people have. I was hoping that maybe bringing up something like that with a couples therapist might lead us in the direction of acceptance on her part and maybe even the potential for recovery. I would describe her as pretty high functioning, based on what I've read. I'm also looking very closely at my part in the madness and studying ways that I can help minimize the drama.

I guess I'm looking for feedback from others who might relate to my situation and can offer hope or advice. If nothing else, it has felt good to tell someone and I appreciate being allowed to share in this venue.

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[itsmeSnap]

Hi rainbowmom

If nothing else, it has felt good to tell someone and I appreciate being allowed to share in this venue.

We do listen, and sometimes reply 

I have not experienced therapy myself but I've heard others it can be difficult finding a therapist that's a good fit for you, let alone you and your partner.

Receiving a diagnosis of mental health issues can be hard on anyone, much more so to sensitive and impulsive people like those with BPD.

It's good to hear that you have friends and are in contact with a support group, also posting here is a great way to connect with others in similar situations who can provide insight and an understanding opinion.

I believe if she was given a diagnosis of BPD by someone she trusted, she would do everything in her power to overcome it. I'm so discouraged by the current situation. I do not have mental health coverage on my insurance and I don't have the funds to pay privately. I was hoping we could get another couples therapist within her insurance network so that there would be a place to have hard conversations with the help of a therapist. She seems open to this, but doesn't pursue it.

This might be something to pursue seeing that she's open to it and you are willing to look into it. Given the situation with the previous therapists, do you have any expectations on what those "hard conversations" would be or how you'd like them to play out?

I know a difficult situation led you here. you're in good company, welcome to the boards!