15yr old son with BPD

[Tiredndown211]

My 15yr old son has traits associated with BPD.  We have a good family therapist that specializes in personality disorders, but he is currently refusing to go.  My wife and I are continuing to see the therapist.
 
He's been angry with us for the last month after a incident where I lost my temper and broke the computer monitor.  We just can't seem to get back to the good place we were at before it happened.  Every day my stomach is in knots not knowing wether he's going to be in a decent mood, upset, or yelling and cursing at me.  Any rule we had has gone out the window as he's adamant that I can't make him do anything. 

I validate his feelings constantly and continue to do things for him and I'm met with constant belittlement and hatred. I'll try to ask him to do things and when I'm met with being cursed out, I express that it hurts and walk away. Im exhausted and I see him struggling and it hurts so bad that I can't seem to help him.  I feel lost, helpless, anxious, and depressed. I just need some support and to know things will be okay. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Tiredndown211 and

While I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, I'm really glad you found us. You will see that there are many parents who can relate to what you've written, you are not alone.

From what you've described, it's no wonder you are feeling lost, helpless, anxious, and depressed, I'm so sorry you and your family have been struggling so.

You've come to the right place for support - we get it better than anyone else can. In addition to support, we have a lot of information here, tools for ways to communicate with our loved ones that many members have found useful in helping to end conflict and improve their relationships.

It must hurt to listen to your DS belittling you, cursing at you. Unfortunately, for many of us parents, this is all too common. We talk a lot about boundaries and self-care here and learning that the change must come from us first.

Here's a link to a post with some of our best articles. Just something to get you started. Please take a look and ask any questions you'd like. We are all hear supporting each other as we learn together.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0

~ OH

[Tiredndown211]

Thanks.  I'm glad to know there is a place for support.  I'll check out those links you sent

[Only Human]

Hello again,

As we learn new ways to cope, take care of ourselves, we can begin to feel hope. I know the heartbreak of feeling powerless to help my DD25, we care deeply for our children and want to ease their suffering - but must take care of our own well-being first! It's great you and your W are seeing a therapist - does your T specialize in BPD? It can really help to have someone with more than a cursory understanding of BPD.

In addition to the yelling and cursing, what other behaviors are you finding challenging with your son?

~ OH

[Tiredndown211]

Yes, luckily our family therapist specializes in Personality Disorders. He's very good and we're lucky to have him as a resource.

He is just challenging.  We had a good rule list he agreed on about a year or two ago, and he was pretty good about following it.  It was just basic things like no yelling, empty the dishwasher, go to therapy, turn your phone in at bedtime, etc.  But since I lost my temper and all this has happened it's like he's purposely not following a single rule so he can show he has all the control and I can't make him do anything. 

I've been reading "stop walking on eggshells" and I've realized my x-wife likely has un-diagnosed BPD, I had a few panic attacks while reading that book because it brought back so many horrible memories of my X fighting with me.  Anyway, He won't see his Mom our have anything to do with her, and he had really come to adore his Step-Mom and even started calling her mom.   She has been a Godsend for both my boys.

Unfortunately, after about 2 weeks after I lost my temper and having listened to him berate me for two weeks, my wife vented to her best friend in a text message and said something pretty hurtful about him (in a frustrated, exasperated, and somewhat joking kind of way)... .He broke into her phone and read through her messages and saw this.  Of course he thinks this absolutely represents how she truly feels about him and now absolutely hates her.  That's been really tough for us.  It sent him further down the rabbit hole.  He was really close to her and was even more comfortable talking about his feelings and what was going on with him, than he was with me.  I'm afraid he might not ever let go of what she said.

My son lived with my parents for a couple of years, a few hours away, towards the end of my previous marriage.  He moved back in with us about 1.5 years ago.  It's been a tough time, but things had really gotten pretty good and now it just feels like we're worse off than we were at the beginning.   

[Only Human]

Hello again,

I'm catching up after being sick for a couple of days. Just wanted you to know I'm listening (reading) and will respond shortly 

~ OH

[Only Human]

We had a good rule list he agreed on about a year or two ago, and he was pretty good about following it.  It was just basic things like no yelling, empty the dishwasher, go to therapy, turn your phone in at bedtime, etc.  But since I lost my temper and all this has happened it's like he's purposely not following a single rule so he can show he has all the control and I can't make him do anything. 

Your list of expectations sounds reasonable to me, Tiredndown211. And he's right, you can't MAKE him do anything. I've recently accepted that rules/expectations do little in the way of having any effect on my DD25's behavior. So I've brushed up on my skills here, learned more about boundaries (they're more about my values and what *I* will do/will not do) and have found some relief to my suffering.

Here are a couple of links that describe what I'm talking about with boundaries:

1.07 | Boundaries and Values

1.08 | Boundaries - examples

Have you and the family talked about you losing your temper and breaking the computer monitor? Perhaps your DS is holding you to the same standards you expect from him and saw this event as a "get out of jail free" card?

I could be way off base here. What do you think?

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi!  I am a bit late saying this but welcome!, though I too am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 

You have received a lot of great feedback from Only Human.     A lot of this change or improvement will begin with you taking care of you and learning to not internalize a lot of what happens with your son, though I do know how difficult that is.  It takes time and it is a process. 

How does all of this sound?