So Friday night I go out and I’m in my car dropping off a friend on my way home. His wife and daughter have BPD and we have been discussing BPD for several years now as we’ve both progressed on our learning journeys. I recount recent events, where my wife and I had a ‘chat’ about the D and she says that she’s ‘stuck’. She can’t go forwards as her life will suck, she can’t go back to being my W as that will suck and she can’t stay living with me as that sucks. He pointed out the positives of that vs where I have come from but then said... .

“How do you stop yourself being hurt? How do you stop building walls?”

I said “I don’t build walls, I have a shield”

Him “yes, walls! Emotional walls”

Me “no, a shield... .there’s a difference, walls are permanent, they are meant to stay, to be impenetrable, they stop you from being vulnerable... .a shield is designed to be raised when you need protection and lowered when you don’t and you need to walk. You cannot have a relationship with someone without being vulnerable, however I cannot have a relationship with my W because at times she hurts me. I need the ability to flip up and down the protection such that I can be vulnerable when it’s safe and shelter when it’s not.”

I kinda like how I thought and thought it might make a good discussion point. Especially around how one achieves that shield whilst maintaining vulnerability behind it. I see knowledge and understanding as my shield.

Enabler

Hey Cat,

Stepping aside is fine when a "thing" is being thrown in your direction which has nothing to do with you. But what about "You are abusive to me and the kids", how does one step aside from that?

Enabler

I'm a big fan of the "oh" (Surprised voice) which I supposed is the equivalent to a side step out the way "What is that flying at me and now landing on the floor?".

"This is news to me!" <perplexed look>

Is the surprised nature of “oh wow” etc invalidating? Does it say “oh my word, I can’t believe you think that about me, you must be mental, you must be wrong?”.

I think it possibly can be invalidating, if not followed up with more, but you know your pwBPD best.

I like questions, if they're not too intrusive. They show that we're interested in what they think and feel. And when given a chance to express themselves, they can possibly come to their own understanding of how they've overgeneralized, used black and white thinking, applied different criteria to themselves, etc.

I had a recent exchange that ended with my husband saying, "I guess I'm too sensitive sometimes."

That would never have happened had I not asked for more information about what he was feeling criticized about.

Now, an important thing to remember is to NEVER ask for more info if you are likely to get triggered. Only do this when you feel emotionally balanced.

If you get triggered, then it will confirm to them that you are not trustworthy with their sensitive information about their thoughts and feelings. And you'll make things worse in the long run.

But if you can do this and truly hear them out, and it's likely they'll say some unfortunate things that can get under your skin, but if you remain centered, then you will build trust.

I hand it off to God and the army of tired angles that watch over us all.

Very much like stepping aside.

Do not accept statement or passive aggressive actions that are not true.

by stepping aside and handing it off we are dealing with it on some level so that resentment is less likely to occur.

Good luck