S E T - Trying to be painted grey.

[Sandb2015]

So on and off I go.

Trying like hell to validate correctly whenever possible.

We have seen each other as much as possible, I’ve taken the long ride to pop up mostly to a smile and a kiss/hug.  It’s been me trying to stay relevant with only few bouts of dtsregulation.  During which time she pleads for us to move on while saying she wants us to be together.

Tonight.

She told me not to come to see her anymore but let’s eat something.

Eating and further dysregulation- the same old things about my past and how I am doing the same fail , mimicking my past relationships in detail, she always does that, impossible to combat-I don’t anymore, I let it go, stay patient and listen, not tonight, stronger than usual.

She left so angry, I sent her a I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I should have been.I know why you are angry with me.

I would be angry also.

The truth is I love you, you aren’t anyone before, you couldn’t be ever.

Is this a good example of SET

I sent her a gift and she called me so pissed stating I did this with everyone else and to F off. Geez.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey sandb2015

Support, empathy and truth, thats what SET stands for.

This is a communication tool to help get your point across.

What you mentioned is an example of validation, I'm reading it as you trying to say you understand why she's angry and that its ok that she's angry.

What happened that she was angry? Why would you be angry at it aswell?

I'm trying to understand the event better, hope you don't mind me asking.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you itsmesnap,

I welcome any and all feedback.

Basically, I've been seeing my love as much as possible, pretty much pushy and she gives in.  I was kicked out on 12/19.  I'm not staying close by, doctor's appointments, church, stopping at her job after I finish.  Gone to her house with an invite, I'm crowding her, I know and she has gravitated towards it most of the time with minor hiccups, slight dysregulation.

Only last night, she wasn't very happy to see me and asked why I keep coming around and I shouldn't anymore and she suggested we eat together?  Ok, of course. It started before eating next door to her job.

1) Why were you able to enjoy yourself with women in the past and now I have you and have to take care of you, why should I have to take care of you?

I'm 50, she's 43 and I'm healthier than her, she works out all the time and perceives my past as the better times, more love, more fun, that past woman got my best.

2) Why am I so desperate and I'm going through the motions of getting someone back and it's wasted on her because it's my pattern and I've always did it before.

She knows I had a terrible custody battle where child's mom split and used the child to get me to marry her, tortured and taunted me and I was trying to make some deal regarding our child to no avail. I ended up initiating court and it all backfired. My love knows to what length I went to try and be civilized and "nice" during the time to make a deal--I said no to my child's mother to coming home after the blackmail of never seeing my son again, I knew it would get worse.  My love thinks very strongly I still have a love connection with my child's mother, I had a difficult time with her after I moved in with my love and I did keep the painfully fearful texts that were so controlling and filled with threats away from my love, she saw them and I was acting civilized and nice during pick ups and drop offs which my love saw as a emotional connection and weakness... .I should have let my love know what I was going through, I did feel at that time everything was being held against me in a hurtful way.  I thought I could balance, compensate and the bs with the EX would slowly subside.

3) Sitting and eating now.  I am having my ex served in family court, were making a deal to drop child support, she's married and we are moving on.  I needed my exes address and she didn't respond, I didn't need it anyway to file.  My love started telling me I had it and I'm stupid and I asked for it 2 years ago and she gave it to me and I'm lying and there is still a connection and kindness. My love has totally disconnected, won't look at me won't hold my hand and can't wait to leave.  She wants to move on and said she has, threatened to go on a date this Saturday, very low likelihood of that, she was trying to make me feel worse on top of devaluation.

I didn't remember having the address, I definitely wouldn't want to contact the ex, it's stressful. I did not act/react when my love started getting worse, I didn't JADE, slight validation and not making the cycle worse, mostly quiet with a calm demeanor, face, body language to no avail.

She took off, went to her car got in and I stood next to it, she was "over the top" at this point, opened the window and said to step away, I couldn't say a word.  She took off.  On the 75 min ride home she called me... .I had sent her a lotion she likes just because... .she was screaming that that's what I do to all the women.  I did JADE a little by explaining I was only trying to make a deal with my child's mother before the last straw of having her served in family court... .that didn't go anywhere of course and she hung up declaring never to contact each other. 

I get back to where I'm staying and I'm blocked...

The text I sent prior regarding SET was the one I sent after she took off.

Thought the empathy part was letting her know I would be angry/upset if I felt how she did.

She left so angry... .I felt stronger than before, a little less despair but helpless.

The text:

I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I should have been.I know why you are angry with me.

I would be angry also.

The truth is I love you, you aren’t anyone before, you couldn’t be ever.


Why does this sound so much like everyone else's stories, why does this sound so unique, far out, foreign, expected, hopeless?

[itsmeSnap]

Ok so reading your story it seems you are still dealing with an ex about custody issues and she's feeling insecure about the relationship you had with her, did I get that right?

Only last night, she wasn't very happy to see me and asked why I keep coming around and I shouldn't anymore and she suggested we eat together?

Part of the push-pull: go away, don't leave me.

See it for what it is, she's attempting (poorly) to balance her wanting to be with you with the "risk" that you might return to your ex. It's not that you would, but she feels like you would, so that's her reality.

My love has totally disconnected, won't look at me won't hold my hand and can't wait to leave.  She wants to move on and said she has, threatened to go on a date this Saturday, very low likelihood of that, she was trying to make me feel worse on top of devaluation.

She took off.  On the 75 min ride home she called me

You been very close recently, I'd say give her some space. It's not about "letting go of her", just not hold her that tight if it makes sense?

Why does this sound so much like everyone else's stories, why does this sound so unique, far out, foreign, expected, hopeless?

We are all human, and yet we are all so unique. Our stories are similar because we are similar, and yet so different from one another the details never quite match.

I'm holding out a bit on discussing the SET part directly because I'm trying to understand your situation to see if everything "lines up correctly" so to speak so as to find a middle ground, a "gray tone" as you mention in your title.

Sandb2015, I see you've been posting on other threads so I see why you're making that comparison of your story with others'.

What strikes you as the most similar thing your story shares with those of others? and why does it sound hopeless to you?

Also, I'm hoping others can share some insight into your situation, does anyone else see something similar to what's happening in your case?

[Sandb2015]

Thank you so much itsmeSnap,

My custody problems are in the past, problems with my ex are diminished.  Yes! My love has all types of ideas about WHAT I'M THINKING and WHAT I DID and WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.  The usual "thing" of us being no different from any relationship I've had, but she is more determined it seems to let me know how they exist in her head preventing us from proceeding with a relationship meant for a lifetime.

The pool may look the same and the temperature at places will be different.  The stories on the board mesh sometimes into the idea that all the mud slides in one direction at different speeds. The disconnect.  I'm not hopeless, the stories sound hopeless and I'm limiting myself to one part of the board as maybe I should.

I'm not hopeless by any means and a healthy stepping back is important as I've been really going full steam ahead to see her and feel the need to stay relevant.  It's as though I will just go away if she doesn't see me and I've been the one to initiate.

I have been smothering her... .I see it as good when I get favorable results and bad when I don't like last night.

Not letting go vs. not holding so tightly... .that attacks some of my very issues I deal with, insecurity, self esteem, fear and of course, the biggie, abandonment.  All manageable but nevertheless, brought out in a concentrated way with this relationship.

I FEAR that I will just become a distant memory if I don't act.  That may happen no matter what I do, I know.  I just have that fear.  My love is highly functioning and loves to cocoon herself in her bedroom and try to "turn off".  I imagine (bad projection) her turning me off and there's not a thing I can do.  I'm hanging on .

Her words swim in my head, good and bad and I know it's not about the words, far from it, but the words have wings and don't get tired.

[itsmeSnap]

I'm not hopeless by any means and a healthy stepping back is important as I've been really going full steam ahead to see her

Good to know, though it is interesting that you note others stories sound hopeless, it does give you some perspective on where you stand by seeing the path others have taken right?

Yes, the disconnect is a big part in all of this, mostly because of the strong connection we felt when we first entered the relationship, as I imagine was the case for you as well.

Not letting go vs. not holding so tightly... .that attacks some of my very issues I deal with, insecurity, self esteem, fear and of course, the biggie, abandonment.  All manageable but nevertheless, brought out in a concentrated way with this relationship.

This is something where you definitely have power. It's often said we can't control or change others, only ourselves, so it's good that you see something you can improve and have the power to do so.

Yes, its hard, hopefully this brings about growth for you 

I FEAR that I will just become a distant memory if I don't act.  That may happen no matter what I do, I know.  I just have that fear.  My love is highly functioning and loves to cocoon herself in her bedroom and try to "turn off".  I imagine (bad projection) her turning me off and there's not a thing I can do.  I'm hanging on .

This is something called "object constancy", the idea that people and relationship don't "fade out of existence" when not experienced. I don't know if you fear this because she (your love) does it or someone else did in previous relationships, or even if its something you've experienced even away from your romantic relationships, what do you think?

[Sandb2015]

This is something called "object constancy", the idea that people and relationship don't "fade out of existence" when not experienced. I don't know if you fear this because she (your love) does it or someone else did in previous relationships, or even if its something you've experienced even away from your romantic relationships, what do you think?

This is great, an actual term for the thing that’s bugging me, thank you so much.

I can’t recall ever experiencing this ever before regarding any relationship. My ex used our child as a pawn in so many ways, the love wasn’t there, the fear of not seeing my child again because of her was the kicker.

I have experienced this very much with my love, I’ve been discarded maybe 20 times over 4 years, this is what caused it, boy did it ever.  I’ve been strong in relationships in my life, I mostly excepted the mediocre and took way too long to leave or break up. I always cared and gave myself and wasn’t really an enabler or codependent.

Can you tell me more about object constancy? It seems to be the splinter on the sole of my foot I can feel but not see.

This relationship has spun me in a way I strangely appreciate, a significantly concentrated lesson on me.

[Sandb2015]

Got it, very clear now. I do experience this very heavily right now, an indefinite weight.

I have had feelings of being left out or forgotten about in my life that wasn’t real, but strongly perceived and later irrelevant.

I was always afraid of being left behind, not so much in any relationship, perhaps stemming from childhood, perhaps later?

I am really making that emotional connection with one of these strong feelings of anxiety and feeling left behind.

Ok, wow.  I’m clearer which may also keep me steady until something or something else.

I love her and fear being left behind.


Thank you.

[once removed]

do you think she wants some space?

[Sandb2015]

Right now, I’m guessing yes, there’s no consistency right now.

I’m not giving up hope, I am learning to let my own issues go and detaching from the ultra magnetic feelings that come with the words.

When I do pop up, I have zero expectations as what I’m going to get, sometimes surprisingly good and other times total dysregulation.

I do think I will give her some space, I feel like I’ve been relentless.