My son has BPD please help

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 20 year old son was recently diagnosed with BPD. He is clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts. He has been on wellbutrin and paxil for the last 8 weeks and it is not helping. Today they increased his paxil to 20mg. I can't seem to reach him and saw that he posted on his twitter that he is not going to live long. I am so upset and feel so alone. I need help.

[Outathinair]

My 20 year old son was recently diagnosed with BPD. He is clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts. He has been on wellbutrin and paxil for the last 8 weeks and it is not helping. Today they increased his paxil to 20mg. I can't seem to reach him and saw that he posted on his twitter that he is not going to live long. I am so upset and feel so alone. I need help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TiredGma]

I'm so sorry that you are all in so much pain. If you have to call the police and do a 5150 (taken in and held for evaluation), you gotta do what you gotta do to keep him alive. Was he as suicidal before he started the medications? I think Paxil has a black box warning about that... .just a thought without knowing a thing about your son. Holding you and your son in my heart. Keep us posted?

[Only Human]

Hi Outathinair,

I can only imagine how worried you are for your son. You say you can't reach him - are you referring to getting him on the phone at this moment, or a more general "I can't reach him," as in, "nothing I say is getting through."

When my DD25 has mentioned being suicidal, I called the suicide helpline myself and they were great at giving me advice on what to say to her.

1-800-273-8255

There's also a text option, simply text HELLO to 741-741.

You are not alone, Outathinair, we are with you. Please keep us updated.

~ OH

[Outathinair]

Thank you both so much for replying to me. It means so much to me. I don't have any help or anyone that understands. What I meant by I can't reach him, is exactly what you said... .nothing is getting through to him. No matter how much I tell him we love him and need him he has no reaction. In fact he said... .you'll get over it when I told him I would be devastated and suicide is not the answer. I'll get over it? I can't even imagine carrying on. He just doesn't get it. He was suicidal prior to the meds. I hope paxil isn't a bad choice for him. I don't love the psychiatrist he is seeing and think maybe I should get a second opinion. It is all so overwhelming. Whenever I call, either they don't take my insurance or not taking new patients. So frustrating!

[Only Human]

I'm so sorry that your son told you, "you'll get over it." That must have hurt - of course it would be devastating, it seems he can't see your pain, only his.

Here is a link to a workshop that you might find helpful.

3.06 | Suicide Ideation in Others

I want you to know you're not alone, Outathinair, we all love someone with BPD, and we get it better than anyone else can. We all support each other while we learn. Our goal is to preserve the family - we do this by learning all we can about BPD, learning new ways to communicate with our loved ones, and taking very good care of ourselves.

There is a wealth of information here in the form of articles, workshops, and videos. But the best thing we have here is people traveling similar journeys. This is one of the first things I read here and it really gave me hope for my situation.

What Can a Parent Do?

What led up to his recent BPD diagnosis? Is he accepting of it?

Hang in there, we've got you.

~ OH

[livednlearned]

No matter how much I tell him we love him and need him he has no reaction.

Sometimes validating the pain (seems counter intuitive) can help lessen it.

"You must feel so deeply sad to say that. I can feel your grief, see it in your face, your body, hear it in your voice."

My son was 8 when he started to talk about not wanting to live. Validating his pain alleviated it and he began to recognize that talking about his pain helped because I was there to bear witness to his suffering. It was a small step toward feeling less alone in his pain and grief.

If you say how suicide affects you (can't go on) it takes the focus off his pain and puts it on yours. He won't have the strength to accommodate your pain when his is so all consuming.

[Outathinair]

Thank you for the links. This is so helpful. As far as what led up to his diagnosis... .he had an emotional breakdown in November and disappeared for 48 hours. He had NEVER done anything even close to that ever. We were frantic. I thought he had been in a car accident. He went to school (he commutes to college) and just never came back. We had to call the campus police. It turns out he had been fired from his job (second time he was fired in a few months) had stopped going to classes for 3 weeks and had been pretending to go, also all his friends stopped speaking to him. I also found out he had been smoking huge amounts of weed and popping pills. I was devastated. He is a very difficult person to get along with and always thinks he's right. He will fight you to the death over something silly just to prove he is right. We also found a suicide note in his room stuffed in his nighstand. It had been written a few months prior and was entitled... If I do it. Ugh. So upsetting. He's been seeing a therapist since November and he fits most of the characteristics for BPD she said. She is doing DBT with him but I'm not sure she's all that great. He hasn't left the house in almost 3 months, not working, not seeing friends because no one wants to have anything to do with him and we medically withdrew him from school. I'm just not sure what to do. He has the worst self esteem. I'm so afraid of losing him.

[Only Human]

Thanks for sharing more of what's been going on, Outathinair.

I can absolutely understand your panic over not knowing where your DS was, finding a suicide note, learning of his drug use.

As for what to do, well... .that's what we are learning together. We can support you while you navigate this new phase in your lives.

How has communication gone between you and your son? I like what livedandlearned shared about validating and can see this as being helpful in your situation. Give your DS a safe place to share his feelings of despair.

What do you think?

~ OH

[Outathinair]

Thank you OH and liveandlearned! I will try to validate his feelings more. As far as communication goes... .I am trying my best but we always seem to butt heads. Lately though things seemed to be a bit better. Although, he doesn't like to talk about his diagnosis, or feelings. He has told his therapist and psychiatrist not to speak to us about what's going on with him. Very upsetting.

[Only Human]

It is upsetting when our children shut us out, I've been there. As you will see by reading other posts here, it takes an enormous amount of patience with our children for them to trust us with their feelings/struggles. Learning and applying validation skills helped me with my DD25 and I'm glad you're open to this new way of communicating.

Listening with empathy and validation go hand in hand so I'm going to post a couple of links for you, though you may have come across these already in reading here.

Empathetic Listening and Active Listening

Validation Skills - Don't be Invalidating

Here's an excerpt:

[... .] as parents we often have our own "above average" validation needs.  Let's face it, tendencies run throughout a "BPD family"; we often have above average needs for validation ourselves.   As a result, we often have our own struggles when we don't get what we feel we need and we then process it in unhealthy ways too.  

In a "BPD family" there are going to be validation issues.  As the healthier family member, it falls to us to try to achieve some level of working validation in the relationship - to lead.

[... .]

Validation certainly isn't easy at first, but with practice it can  become second nature.  Very few people come to this naturally - it is a learned skill.

I agree wholeheartedly with this last sentence. I felt like a robot, parroting my DD's words back at her. I've gotten better and she responds positively. Family here support me while I learn new skills, it's like thousands of dollars of free therapy.

Along with learning new skills and ways to relate to our adult children, it's of utmost importance that we are taking very good care of ourselves. Are you finding time for self-care? Getting enough sleep, etc.?

I'm glad you're here, Outathinair

~ OH

[Outathinair]

OH, Thank you for saying that. I'm glad to be here. I am embarrassed to admit I have not been taking care of myself. I've been overeating/stress eating and I've gained about 15 lbs. I feel terrible about myself. I'm not sleeping well either because I worry at night and even if I fall asleep I wake up every hour or so. He has made suicidal threats so I am terrified of losing him. I don't really have any support which makes it harder. I have started seeing a therapist so at least there is that. His not working is putting a bigger financial strain on me and that is stressing me and worrying me as well. Seems to be a never ending battle. But I am trying to think positively and just knowing you all are out there, and can understand what I'm going through, truly means the world to me. Thank you again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I'm so glad to hear that you've started seeing a T (therapist), Outathinair, that's a great way to take care of yourself 

I can relate to stress eating, not sleeping, focusing all my efforts and attention on my DD25, it's exhausting! Like you, I don't have many people in my real life who understand the unique struggles of loving a pwBPD (person with BPD). I thank my lucky stars every day that I found BPD Family. It helps to talk about it with others who get it, don't judge me, and who are finding peace.

I'm not sleeping well either because I worry at night and even if I fall asleep I wake up every hour or so.

Forgive me for copying and pasting my words from a post I made some time ago in response to another member who was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I think we've all struggled with sleep at one time or another. Here's my quote:

When I can't go to sleep, or back to sleep, because of my thoughts, I lie still and focus on my breathing. The technique I learned suggested that I connect my breathing to a word that describes what's happening to my body. For example, when we breathe in, our chests go up; out, and our chests go down. So, as you breathe in, think, "up," when you breathe out, think, "down." I never got the hang of this and instead used "in... .out... .in... .out... ." and I drew the words out for as long as the breath took, "iiiiiin... .oouut... ."

Our brains are only capable of holding one thought at a time and when that thought is negative, it's easy to follow it down the rabbit hole. By thinking, "up/in... .down/out," you're replacing whatever thought that's causing distress.

The next thing is to acknowledge when my thoughts start wandering. I do this by thinking, "wandering, wandering, wandering," as many times as it takes to get back to, "up... .down... .up... .down."

It may sound silly, and it even felt silly when I first did it, but it works for me. Maybe it will work for you?

As far as communication goes... .I am trying my best but we always seem to butt heads.

If you're comfortable, it may help to give an example of a recent conversation so we can know how to advise you. In reading the information in the links I've posted, you've probably guessed that communication with a pwBPD looks much different than a conversation with others. Lots and lots (and lots) of listening goes a very long way toward ending conflict, head butting 

~ OH