Zippydeedoodah

[Lollypop]

Hi

Old Son24 was not working and could not manage money. It would disappear out of his hands. He lived hour by hour.

New Son28 popped around yesterday for dinner at my suggestion (he had a tough week last week and it’s so cold outside). At the end of our meal he said “I’ve got another favour to ask. Will you help me pay my tax bill online as I don’t know how to do it?”

the deadline is 31 January each year. Yesterday was 30th.

One day early (I know the payment won’t be processed in time but hey). He paid last years and this year’s payments so he’s now in front, he paid his car tax too. He felt good and said “I’ve got 5 months now before my MOT and next car tax bill but I really want to get my car serviced”.

Say what? Wow.

I watched him carefully double check every reference number, every number and date before he submitted. Wow, close attention skills.

Then he asked for a photo of for his application for a course for work. We only had one that was taken 4 years ago (he looked a sight!).  Believe me he doesn’t look that much better, his hair is back to dreads. Anyway, he thanked his Dad and said quietly “I look really bad on that photo I’ll sort one out myself”. I told him that it was when he was in the USA travelling and we shared a giggle because he was “off his head” most of the time when he was there. He skipped out to do the course paperwork at his place after taking a call from his boss sorting out the arrangements for the next day.

How much my life has changed. I’m so so thankful to you all.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I'm so glad I took another look at the board before signing off - I'm grinning from ear to ear, Lollypop! 

I love the title of this thread, zippydeedoodah indeed! You inspire me, thank you so much for posting, sharing so much of your journey.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for this post. It gives me hope that things can change.

[Daisy123]

Wow, LP- this is really good news. Giving your son the supportive space has made such a huge positive change.
I’m with FLH, it does give me hope that things can change for the better. Thanks for sharing.

Daisy

[TiredGma]

Hope is such a wonderful gift to give us. Taking it in. Thank you.

[wendydarling]

Zippydeedoodah, Zippydeeday LP’s enjoyed a wonderful day….

I’m jigging a celebratory dance with you. What a milestone. Meeting deadlines and planning, thinking forwards. And oh those precious giggles!

I’m loving your description of

OLD son      
NEW son       

Of course there is more ahead. You'll be   

I think it important to point out to anyone reading your son refused treatment, this is your personal achievement these last 3 years here with us. The professionals recognise supportive families can do what you have achieved LP. I’m so proud of you, this has not been easy. You’ve dug deep and put on your big humorous girly boots when needed.

As you have often said you need to be the Mother, he needs.

You made it, you are!

Amazing you, be very proud LP  

Onwards we all go, together  

It takes courage.

WDx  

[Lollypop]

Thank you thank you.

New news. Today, it’s the end of the world. He has insomnia will never be happy, his bosses expect too much of him, he hates his living arrangements ... .on and on it goes.

We’ve validated, both myselfvsnd younger son.

He did listen and agreed - If he’s stuck it’s up to him to get himself out and he’s not in his own, we are here.

He says doctors can’t help. His skunk habit is nothing to do with it. Sigh.

I can’t call this as a rollercoaster because I don’t feel I’m on it.

WD is right to point out about no treatment. We’ve made great strides - imagine if he agreed to treatment? Again, out of my control. His life.

I’m good today, despite his problems
LP

[wendydarling]

Well it's another day LP and the next step to him working it out.

He has insomnia will never be happy, his bosses expect too much of him, he hates his living arrangements ... .on and on it goes.

This is so similar to my DD's journey in treatment and since. One day top of the world, next day world against them, can you help me work this out, please listen. They're working through their issues as they arise.

Seriously LP, I see so many similarities, now we are both 3 years on, here.

It's so good to talk and share here, gain the big picture.

WDx

[Lollypop]

I think so too WD. The root of the problems appearing regardless of treatment or learning in the job. There are so many similarities.

I’ve reigned myself in, wanting to book a family holiday later on in the year. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but budget has prevented me booking it. I’m sure we’ll go away together this year but I won’t do it as a knee jerk reaction to making him feel better,

I’m being wisemind. I hope you are too. It ain’t easy.
LP

[Huat]

So true, Lollypop.  It ain't easy... .but... .oh so rewarding when we stop to realize how far WE, the parents to these "special" children, have come on this journey in the past few years. 

It is always a head-shaker for me to go back and read my first posts and I am sure you feel the same way.  These kids of ours either can't or won't change.  We have shown them that we can.

Always comforting to know I am in the trenches with parents like you and all who have posted above.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Huat,
I totally get what you say. It’s just that I don’t want to be in the trenches any more. I know it’s not possible, when we have kids it’s for life and our “special” kids are forever. But seriously, when do we leave them to their own lives?

How are you doing Huat?  I’m tired! Today anyways.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh Lollypop... .I get tired, too, but I know now that when that tiredness that comes from dealing with my "special" child overcomes me, in time I will recover... .and I think you know you will, too!

None of us "want" to be in the trenches, but in reality... .this is where we are.  This IS our life.  So much easier to face that reality and deal with what comes our way... .then get on with OUR lives.  As I read some of the posts from others, as much as I hurt, I know my lot-in-life is not as bad as theirs.

You wrote in another thread... ."For every presented problem ask yourself “is this MY problem?” If no, gently place it in the lap of the person it belongs to."   Such wise, wise words.  You have done that with Son #1... .and I think you are becoming very skillful at doing so.

I, too, am learning how to better deal with this daughter-of-mine.  With all that said, yes, it is tiring!  We are "on" all the time... .bracing for the next challenge... .praying that, whatever our response, it will be appropriate, will defuse, will send a teaching message.

How many times have I sat with a painted smile on my face as I listened to friends extolling on the virtues of their offspring.  Oh, I think to myself, if you only knew!

That, Lollypop, is why I am here.  You, and the others here who pour out their hearts, do know.  That has given me strength and I have grown because of it.

Huat   ; )

[Lollypop]

Hi Huat

Sorry for the delay in replying. I somehow missed it.

I think the word may be stoicism. Your matter of fact approach - stop playing the victim, get stronger and move forwards with your life. This is the right way to be.

Some days we fall down, then we get back up again. Being here makes this task easier.

I feel so blessed to have found this community, you included.

Detachment brings a sadness but also relief and space to heal. There’s comfort in that. I know you’re in new territory and maybe exploring a reconnection of some sort with your daughter. I hope things work out and if they don’t, you’ve the resilience to say “ok, maybe another day, maybe sometime later”.

I’ve grown up so much Huat. Still so much to learn. Knowing, writing isn’t the “doing”. Practising what we preach is so darn hard.

Hugs

LP