My dilemma over the last 10 months

[drramanjett]

I have a partner who is possibly suffering from BPD.
Things were fine for 8-9 yrs (we had good days and bad days). but then after my 40th birthday she went on a vacation to greece on her own with a couple of female friends. Came back and asked me to separate. I struggled to see what I had done wrong. She had a stressful holiday and was not communicative with me during this time. When she returned her reception from my side was cold as she was abusive to me on the phone. I cried many nights, kissing the feet of my 3.5 yr old and cuddling the 7 yr old daughter we have together.
It finally came to threats where she said she would call the Police on me (she had done this before). I left and moved into alternative accomodation. I told my friends and family as to what had happened. she on the other hand started a "distortion campaign" where she alleged that I was financially abusive to her. She also went to police and said that I had hit her and the police interviewed me under caution and found no evidence. She subsequently claimed that she had pulled the charges back herself. Somewhere within me I knew she was mentally ill and I wanted to support her. I went into self preservation mode and started securing finances etc. Eventually a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist felt that if she was mentally unwell I could enlist the support of her parents (there was evidence from common friends that the house had become unhygeinic , that she was drinking alcohol and that there was a maggot infestation in the house). So her parents were called from India. Initially she wouldn't let them in but eventually she got us all talking to each other. A month after their stay she called me one night to return back to home. I had pleaded to her 2 days before that we should be together for each other and the sake of kids. That every couple has ups and downs but we were never as bad to ask for things like separation.We also found a good couple counsellor that helped quieten things between us. She had enlisted a solicitor to file for divorce against me and commenced financial proceedings against me to freeze my finances.

After I moved in, the next day I found out that she had an affair with a romanian man. It seems pictures were flashed over his timeline between the 2 months that I was away with him sitting on the sofa and kissing my wife. These were discovered by my friends and brought to my attention- so these became common knowledge in our friend circle before they came to me. After I realised this was the case I still chose to stay as I had told my children that night that Daddy had come back to stay with mummy and they were over the moon (they took the separation really badly when it happened). I subsequently found her completely self obsessed glued to her phone. I then saw messages flash on her phone from this very same man. She was less concerned about wellbeing of children and more concerned about her appearance on the phone taking selfies. I couldnt imagine how a lovely caring parent for 9 yrs could suddenly "switch".

When I brought up the topic of her going on with another man she quickly dismissed it by saying that "I abandoned her" during that time and what she did when she was separated from me was entirely her business. When I asked he whether she was seeing him now, she again lied and said that she  was an intelligent adult, and that she wouldnt chose to stay with me and start seeing another man. She alleged that I was hiring private detectives etc against her none of which was true.

4 months have passed since I have moved in. She has subsequently found a job out of her anxieties about money should we have a break up again. She refuses to share her finances but I have given her access to my finances again to make her feel secure. We opened two new joint accounts with each other. However she now wants 50% of all the money I have earned in the marriage solely on her name.

She tells me that she is not seeing him, but she lies as her phone shows that she is again visiting her city.

I have told her since that time that our marriage is essentially over. That we are barely co-existing as friends to bring up our children and that we should do so without conflict.

I am hopeful that her state of mind would eventually improve and that I will have my spouse back from 10 months ago. With respect to the affair I believe that the same selfishness that starts an affair would be eventually the cause of end of it. My parents and friends want me to divorce her. I however feel that this wont be the best option for the mental health of my kids.
Lately she has again started pressuring me to buy her a new car as her old lease has run out. this time she wants it on her name and is fighting with me about this. I sometimes get the feeling that I have had enough of this and that I should move out again. But then I feel that most people with BPD only want love .

My beliefs are that divorces are unnecessary things. That most human beings can be worked with and if given love and support have a chance to improve. Lately she has been caring better for the kids in a hit and miss way. She has been rejected by most of my family and friends and this means we get to spend quality time together with kids. I have got her an au pair and that has helped her burden at work. She has been getting glowing reviews at work so that has helped her self esteem too.
Although I have stayed on 90% for my kids, I cant wipe out the 10% that says that I still care for her. I just want the nightmare to be over - for her to normalise. I hear that patients with BPD often go into remission with supportive environments in place. I hope I succeed and would like to continue hoping for a brighter better day.  

PS : since I am back my kids are happy and doing well at school . I have researched BPD and have modeled my behavior accordingly. I sometimes feel sorry for my kids, but none of us inherits a perfect world.  Her divorce case is now gone into stand by and her financial proceedings have been adjourned .

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[Ozzie101]

Hello, dramanjett, and welcome!

You have found a supportive community here with members who can understand what you're going through. And it certainly sounds like you have a lot going on. The BPD dance is exhausting and baffling for everyone involved and can really be emotionally draining. I hope you're able to take some time for self-care (hobbies, friends, family) so that you can be strong for yourself and for your children.

You mentioned you've researched BPD. What are some specific tools you've found that have helped?

Are there any problem areas that are particularly troubling to you right now that we might be able to help with?

Please feel free, also, to read and post in other members' threads. We all help each other here and sometimes you may have advice that could help someone else!