After 21 years together, she now says she never loved me

[radoe]

My wife now tells me after 21 years together she never loved me.
Never should have married me.
Never should have had children with me
Was manipulated by her mom the whole time
She saw hundreds of red flags

Well what a minute
I hid nothing
We professed our love for one another for years and years
Talked for hour on endless hour.
Traveled the globe
Had wonderful times

Now she says it never happened
?.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

That had to be painful to hear. What do you think changed her opinion of your relationship?

[radoe]

I think the disorder is progressing.

She also has Multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, Major depression,
chronic and acute pain, and BPD now

All that is killing her I think,
and in the process is changing her perspective.
She is having trouble remembering and telling time on an analog watch, remembering meds, and doctors’ appointments.

[Cat Familiar]

Oh my, that’s a lot to deal with.   

How are you holding up? And when you hear these black and white pronouncements from her, can you filter it through all the physical issues, the depression, and the BPD and realize that that’s how she feels in the moment and it’s not necessarily indicitive of your past together?

[radoe]

Yes my filter is amazing

As you can see I just found this site.

I like it here, my heart aches less.
I'm not wearing out my friends, family or psychologist.

I took the depression test and I'm just sad.
I see you have answered a lot of my questions Cat, I am pretty certain you have been in this spot.
There are so many parallel issues, some I do not even know how to bring up or if they are appropriate to bring up.

Some of what going ion is not cool and I need to vigilantly watch for the warning signs.
I rode out hurricane Gordon on a sailboat in an anchorage.
Like the relationship the bad parts keep coming, and you get tired.

Her past before me was brutal.

My professional performance is suffering.
I need my job
I need to work lone enough  to put my boys through college  (13 more years).

I want to read a miracle story.
do you have one of those to repost?

[Cat Familiar]

Fatherpeace, we understand. We've all been in the same boat and you literally rode out a hurricane on a sailboat.  

It can get better and it helps to talk it out and I encourage you to bring up any and all concerns. I hashed out so many issues for years here, but over time, my relationship found calmer waters. And for the most part, things are very good nearly all the time. And when difficulties arise, what I've learned here helps me to batten down the hatches and give my husband a wide berth until seas are calm.

There are success stories at the top of the page on the Bettering board.
SUCCCESS STORIES

[Wrongturn1]

Her saying she never loved you has got to be painful, and likely is just a figment of whatever negative feelings she was experiencing at the moment she said that.  My uBPD wife has said similar things to me about sex for instance:  she never has a desire for it, doesn't find it pleasurable, etc.  But then when we do it, she certainly appears to enjoy it and usually has many nice things to say about it afterward.

Also, there may be a way in which what your wife said was true (and I think this is likely how things went with me and my wife):  you two felt madly in love in the early days/years and she was very affectionate, telling you that you were the best thing ever, etc.  Then after you got married (maybe after the first child), things changed.  She became negative and ill-tempered, nitpicking all your perceived flaws, never forgiving the slightest mistake, emotionally abusing you, and eventually you started feeling miserable in the relationship. 

Those first days/years of pure bliss may have all been an illusion:  she was putting you on a pedestal and seeing you as a pathway out of her previously miserable existence and (probably unintentionally) behaved as exactly the woman you had always dreamed of; you were experiencing intense feelings and fell in love with the person she wanted you to believe she was.  Then you entered into a binding commitment and the relationship changed.  (BPD really seems to manifest itself the most severely in the context of intimate relationships, especially committed ones.)  Eventually she started viewing you as the cause of all her unhappiness and therefore began emotionally abusing you, and maybe you realized that the woman you fell in love with never really existed in the first place.

Or at least that's what happened to me, and it's the same story with many of us here.

I learned how to validate and set boundaries on abuse, and things have improved dramatically in my relationship with my wife.  I still have to occasionally repeat to myself, "I have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who has a severe mental illness" three times to affirm my intentional nature and commitment to my course of action - staying.

[415]

My wife now tells me after 21 years together she never loved me.
Never should have married me.
Never should have had children with me
Was manipulated by her mom the whole time
She saw hundreds of red flags

Same story for me, except i didn't find out about BPD until after she separated from me 2 weeks ago.  We were together for 4yrs before we got married and just recently she told me that she never wanted to get married.  Yet, for 2yrs before the marriage she would ask every time we took a vacation if i'd brought an engagement ring.   She said "yes" immediately and even went and showed someone nearby and asked if she could take our picture.   Sound like someone that didn't want to get married?   My therapist told me that one reason that i'm having so hard of a time with everything is that i'm rational/logical and they aren't which is true and why we keep thinking and thinking about why something doesn't make sense or why they'd do whatever they are doing.