I really do try not to get into arguments with her. I do my best to talk through issues in a neutral, respectful, noncombative fashion, but it's easier said than done. She gets extremely defensive at the drop of a hat, and she almost always starts making accusations against me for some perceived wrongdoing.
Several months ago, I read "High Conflict Couple", and it was extremely helpful. Those techniques are definitely powerful, but they can only go so far.
I think you're right that I can never make her respect me, in which case it's probably never going to be more than an arms-length friendship from now on.
Do I respect her? I absolutely respect her as a human being. She has enormous talent and intelligence, and when she's doing well, she is capable of accomplishing great things. She sees the world differently than most people do, and there's a lot to be learned from her perspective. She's certainly changed the way I think about people and relationships.
But I also recognize that she has serious psychological defects, and there are times when I feel negative emotions (anger, pity, frustration) that likely overshadow my respect for her... . I try to remind myself that her condition is not her fault, and that she isn't intentionally trying to hurt me, but at the same time I definitely feel hurt, disregarded, and taken advantage of.
She's a complicated person, and it's a complicated situation.
Misto:
reading your words I could ALMOST copy and paste them into my own post (btw I have one in the conflicted group/board if you're curious of my story). I have been reading the interaction between you and Onceremoved and all I can say (because i'm going through this right now) is that I understand both sides. You like me, want to try and resolve this, get to the bottom of it and make it work out because that is the typical work that is done in relationships. It makes sense. I want that too. For me part of it is because I keep attracting this type of dynamic/woman in romantic relationships that my brain or voice inside is saying "might as well try to break this pattern or work on this pattern with someone that you adore." The challenge with the push/pull dynamics of BPD or even npd is that each time they bring you back in they seem to devalue you more once you get close again. I've read it's because they lose respect for you because they see themselves as damaged and in their minds if you are with them you must be damaged. I feel like the projections are saying "i'm going to show him he's just like me" but in the moment of anger they forget that they are thinking of themselves as damaged because they only see it in their partner. There's no rationality like we would hope. I have tried to understand how my love has gone from telling me she loves me everyday etc to when she's angry to making me into the biggest demon of a man that she has been with.
I started taking notes too. And coincidentally her last boyfriend did too. Why did I take notes? first because she went off on me for 30 minutes without letting me talk. I have noticed for me that the more they she tries to include me in her past and dysfunction the more I try to prove that that's not me! I want to break through so bad. Why? I guess it's subconscious but my therapist who deals with BPD has told me that it's natural to want to do that. He also has said, that even though it's a natural or typical response it's a strategy that doesn't work for borderline personality. So if you're used to dealing with a strategy that works and then all of sudden it doesn't work it actually forces your brain to wonder why it's happening because it's part of classical conditioning.
The mind wants reasons. Everything in sales is geared toward this because the psychology of it. In one study they took 2 groups and had one cut in line without saying why. The people who they did it too got very angry. The other group, the people who cut in line gave a reason why they cut in line. The group that gave a reason (ie because my son has to go to the bathroom and i'm hoping someone will let me in) were more liking to get a positive response. They concluded it was because the "reason" is a driving force in human behavior. With BPD from my observation the thing that drives us crazy (if we let it) is that they don't give us a reason for why their behavior has switched and we don't tend to understand the "why" behind it. That leaves our minds in an endless loop with no resolution and no reason. Trying to figure out the why is what gets me emotionally drawn into the drama. Mostly because I thought that my gf knew me. After all when she's not angry she's sweet and tells me that she loves me and does more loving behaviors then most partners I've had. But when she flips her switch, it's like a different person but I don't accept that at the time. I'm still seeing her as my gf who just told me she loved me 2 hours ago and missed me. Where did she go?
There's a movie called the prestige with Hugh Jackman. In that movie Hugh was competing against another magician to be the most famous and have the most memorable tricks. The other magician has an assistant that turned into his wife. He exhibited behaviors of one day loving her and one day treating her abusively. He was not alcoholic so she didn't understand why or the why. Turns out that he was a twin and they would take turns being with her. So in essence it was a different person or personality. I (and many of us) probably feel like the evil twin gets inserted into the story and it can make us very angry because we don't know what we did differently to cause them to be abusive to us. I'm at the point where I recognize this is what is happening and maybe you are too now but I'm still having hurt feelings that range from frustration to anger that this is happening. Most times i'm sad after it happens and I need to recover. There's no happy door though because if I protect myself and pull away she feels rejected. If I stay and get upset back she devalues me more. If I get sad (up until recently) she would see how she was hurting me and cry and tell me how broken she was to have hurt me. This last time she raged at me, I actually got emotional when she was raging because in that moment I felt that I had lost her. Why am I sharing all of this? because I have been studying attachment styles (read Stan Tatkin and "attached"). One of the biggest things I have picked up is that someone who has the ability to handle these storms the best is someone who is at the most secure attachment style. They can keep themselves separated more easily from other people's emotions. I like this reference rather then the use of the word "respect". After studying attachment styles I don't believe it's about respecting ourselves, I believe it's about where we fall on the scale or continuum of security. People with BPD can make us feel really insecure because they project chaos onto their partners. In Stan's work there is a type called the "angry resistant". Look online, there is an article called "allergic to hope". I've been intrigued by this because my gf and I have talked about it when she is in a regular state. She has read his work too and knows that she's an insecure type but never knew about the "allergic to hope"
part or the Angry Resistant attachment style.
So for me (I've taken the attachment style test), i'm about 65% secure and rest different degrees of insecurity. I grew up with a very critical mom (I think Npd). So when in a relationship like this and the dysfunction rises then I don't feel secure. I'm actually fighting for my own security (according to the attachment style theory) and so it's natural to want some validation for myself that "i'm a good guy, other women like me, I bond easily with others so why not this gal". I can't validate her when I need validation. So the pattern is she invalidates me but demands validation and I go into my own resistant pattern on that. If i was more secure perhaps i would just give her the validation and not need validation from her? I'm still learning about this but i wanted to throw it out there for a resource for you. Now I might start losing respect for myself if the abusiveness gets too much and I don't remove myself from it or protect myself in some way.
There is a success board/group and if you are still holding out hopes for this working out, perhaps read the stories and see that helps give you some perspectives? For me I don't live with her so I don't know that I have enough leverage for us to get help. I might have to reduce myself to a friend to stay in her life (if I can handle that?).
