Should I stay or should I go now...

[0verwhelmed]

Hi All,

I'm looking for some advise or words of wisdom.
I have been with my wife for 29 years, married for 23. We have ALWAYS had a very difficult relationship.
In the earlier years I suffered from both physical and mental abuse from her.
The physical abuse stopped over 10 years ago but the mental abuse continues.
She is the child of an alcoholic mother who abused her from when she was young. Her parents got divorced and she was left with the mother until her mid-teens when DYFS finally stepped in and handed custody over to her father. She was in and out of therapy when living with her father. We started dating when she was 18 and as I said the relationship was always volatile. An emotional roller-coaster. Over the years we have been to multiple therapists. Things would be ok for a little while (a few months here a few months there) but ultimately right back to where we started. Close friends friends and relatives said to me many times "I think something is wrong with her, she may need medication". It was always "chalked up" to her abusive childhood and how I could help coach her and make her feel better. I have always been her "rock" and supported her in every way, only to be told a few days later that I don't even love her. We have 2 children that are currently in their late teens. (If it weren't for them, I most likely would have left her a long time ago) 2 years ago I left the house and moved in with a friend after one of our "go nowhere" arguments. I contacted a lawyer and was told to return to the house and contact them again to start the paperwork. After returning to the house my wife was able to manipulate me and give in once again to work on the relationship with a marriage counselor. This was now going to be 8th therapist/marriage counselor we have seen during our marriage. We have been going for the past 2 years, almost every week but the relationship has never really been great since then. We have just "existed", almost living as roommates rather than like a loving married couple. A few weeks ago we had another argument and I felt like "ok, that's it, I'm out of here, I can't do this anymore." I told her and our therapist that I want out of the marriage. I can no longer deal with her lies, manipulation, and emotional outbursts. Believe it or not this was the first time any of our therapists said the words... "She is sick, I believe she has BPD" Unfortunately this was in a session I had with them alone, not as a couple, so I don't know if they ever told her that. So, here I am, once again, I thought I had my mind made up to leave, but reading about BPD explains so much. The only choice I think I have is to give her an ultimatum. Tell her what the therapist said and demand she see a psychiatrist or else I will leave. I won't stay in this marriage any longer unless she gets help immediately.
The big question is, how do I go about telling her? She has tried several times over the past few weeks to get us to talk and I refuse because I know how it ends... Any thoughts or advise is really appreciated. Sorry for such a large post.
Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hello Overwhelmed and welcome to the family! 

I am sorry about what brought you here, but I can assure you that you came to the right place! Your story sounds very similar to those of other members and I hope some of them will join in and share their experiences and advice. You are not alone. This site also offers a lot of information on BPD and many tools that can be helpful in our interactions with our loved ones. Feel free to look around, ask questions and participate in other threads. Your insights can be valuable for other members as well.

You seem to have a good grasp on what you want to do moving forward. Telling somebody they might have BPD is a very sensitive task and often not recommended because it might come across as critical or shaming. But since your plan requires her to know and adress the issue, this might be the only way.
I suggest you take a look at this link for more information on the topic and to figure out the best approach.

Don't hesitate to share your thoughts!

[0verwhelmed]

Hi Purplex,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advise.
I reviewed the link you provided and found some of the information to be very useful. I still have not completely made up my mind about what to do, so I will continue to do research on the site and hopefully have a solid plan soon.

Sincerely,
0verwhelmed

[once removed]

hi 0verwhelmed, and

29 years is a long time. i can hear the love you have for your wife, and i can also hear that youre at your wits end.

i would encourage you to learn the tools and skills taught here, get a good feel for how and where you can apply them in your relationship, and a realistic sense of the difference that they can make. it takes a lot of practice (you can use them with anyone) but sometimes, we can begin to shift our relationships into much healthier territory, and our partners even follow our lead.

so what was the most recent argument about? how did it play out?

[0verwhelmed]

Hi Once Removed,

Thank you for the reply.
Our last argument was regarding politics. Which is a known topic where we 
typically don't see eye to eye. We have agreed several times in the past not to
discuss politics. The thing is, it was not an "argument" for me at all. I see things
one way, she sees them another way. It's fine with me, I have no problem with it.
But, for some reason this time it's as if she wanted an argument. We had a great
day together, then out of nowhere she brought up politics. I was calm the entire discussion
and even twice said to her "Let's not discuss this, ok? We don't agree." The first time I said it
she ignored me (or possibly didn't hear me) and kept talking. The second time she said "No!
because I can't believe how close minded you are about this!" then kept on talking. After a few more
sentences she started yelling, to which I asked "why are you yelling at me?" She responded, "I'm not
yelling at you, I'm raising my voice, and you are raising your voice" I said, I'm not raising my voice
and she insisted, Oh yes you are, we are both raising our voices. Then continued to talk politics.
After a couple of more minutes she calmed down and said to me. "I think it's very unfair that you said
I was yelling at you" (This is where she wants an apology from me for doing nothing wrong) This is
par for the course. She is typically able to bully me or manipulate me into apologizing when I did nothing
wrong. This time I was not giving in. She will constantly make things up, distort the facts and even lie about the events. When we went to the marriage therapist she told them that she never heard me say
"let's not talk about this" because if I said that it would have helped the situation. As I learn about BPD
I can see that something like this is the "norm". It's just been so difficult to put up with for such
a long time I feel the need to get out.