My partner is driving me crazy

[Catmom2020]

 

I've been in this relationship for three years, now.

He was diagnosed with BPD in summer 2018.

Recently I did some research on the disorder and can clearly see it.

We talk about it openly, but he's still being verbally abusive.

Sometimes, he's countering the things I say, turning things upside-down or projecting onto me.

Yesterday he told me I had Asperger syndrome. He desperately needs to feel better about himself.

Is he doing this on purpose? I feel like he wants to grind me down. Sometimes, I feel like going crazy.

Tomorrow, I will leave our shared apartment and travel south-east Asia for 3 months.

Fear of abandonment definitely makes him irritable and unstable.

We are not married and have no children – yet. I would like to leave him, but feel either guilty and selfish or emotionally dependent.

But my first fear is, that he further brakes me down mentally, if I continue to stay with him.

I'm new to the whole BPD-discussion. Is it real or am I the crazy one?

Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Welcome Catmom2020,

I'm' sorry you're having this stress.

You are in the right place and many here have similar stories, similar questions.

How was he diagnosed?  Was this always he case in the last 3 years?

Read about devaluation in BPD, that may help with the hurtful things being said.

I would think someone hearing what is wrong with them would make things "better" as if there is a pain and the doctor confirms that it's this or that, a relief in most cases, that's probably not the case with BPD.

Read around, lots of stories and info here plus some tools to help deal.

[once removed]

hi Catmom2020, id like to join SandB2015 and say

Is he doing this on purpose? I feel like he wants to grind me down. Sometimes, I feel like going crazy.

likely, the reality is complex.

people with BPD tend to lack in relationship and communication skills. quite often, there is an overwhelming need to be heard, if not to be right. sometimes we feed into that; i certainly did. the key is not to get caught up in it, and pivot with mature responses and ways to manage conflict. it takes a great deal of strength and balance to achieve that.

now if you couple that lack of skills with a very high emotional state, it can feel like a lot of blame and accusations coming your way at once, while youre either trying to dodge it, or maybe trying to say "hey, what about ______".

But my first fear is, that he further brakes me down mentally, if I continue to stay with him.

you certainly dont want this to become the reality of your relationship. the tools here can give you the strength to weather the storms, and the insight to begin to resolve conflict in healthier ways.

Tomorrow, I will leave our shared apartment and travel south-east Asia for 3 months.

have the two of you talked about it? hows he taking it?

[Catmom2020]

Hello Sandb2015,

thank you for your kind reply! It feels good to finally be validated.

My boyfriend was diagnosed by a therapist, who used to work in a borderline-clinic.

She suggested that he should be hospitalized, and he actually would be willing.

But life is so complex and because of his workplace, it's difficult to leave for several weeks.

This was an online therapy to dip his toe into the water. Unfortunately, he did have adverse reactions and did not continue.

Now, he's willing to find a specialist on DBT. But it will take a lot of time and there's no magic pill... .

There's something good about this whole situation, though. Through his diagnose, I was able to see, that my mother is most likely a high functioning / invisible BPD.

It helps me a lot to see the abuse for what it is and stay sane.

With my boyfriend, I'm in a "should I leave or should I stay" situation.

[Catmom2020]

Hi Once Removed,

thanks for your insight!

It's hard to believe that by learning new skills I can shift the relationship.

But I'll give it a try. There's nothing to lose and all to gain!

have the two of you talked about it? hows he taking it?

I've decided to go on my own but informed him right away.

Well, he's taking it inconsistently. Sometimes, he's happy for me but on others, he's catastrophizing about the end of the relationship... .But this is nothing new, though.

Is it normal to feel like laughing about this whole thing? I mean, it's so unnecessary and irrational.   At the same time, it can take a huge toll... .

[Eskmont]

I’m having same exp w my bf of 2.5 yrs... I’m learning more about codependency and trying to focus on my own life instead of his BPD but I get sucked back into his world easily. I have noticed it is getting worse and worse. I can hardly see the man I fell in love with anymore. Everyone else gets to see the good nice man Bc BPD is directed toward the intimate partner. It makes it so hard to know they are good with others.

[Catmom2020]

Hello Eskmont,

I'm sorry to read that. Ar least we are not alone in this situation.

Yes, codependency is also something I'm dealing with.

It makes it so hard to know they are good with others.

I know what you mean. My mother is the same... .She's the "favorite aunt" of one of my cousins. Nobody knows how she's treating me.