Difficulty Remembering = I'm a gas lighter and sick

[Step3]

Hi everyone. My girlfriend and I had been doing very well for the past two months, I started to think I was even wrong that there's borderline traits. Now I'm back in trouble.

4 years ago she broke up with me. I was in a terrible emotional place and put myself in a situation I'm ashamed of. I reached out to her ex girlfriend to try to understand my girlfriend. That situation went too far as I allowed it. When my girlfriend and I started talking again, I stopped talking to her ex. Last July, my girlfriend brought up that regretful situation and we got into an argument. The next day she said she said everything in our relationship is changed because I said I once had feelings for her ex. I don't remember ever saying that but I didn't want to stir trouble so I didn't deny it. I tried to explain that I cared at one time for her ex as a human but it wasn't more than that.

Yesterday it came up again and I told her I was sorry but I just don't remember saying I had feelings for her ex because I didn't have feelings for her ex, I told her I didn't want a relationship with her ex, that I had found common ground through her ex which was wrong of me.

We moved on. This morning at 5 am she woke up yelling at me, accusing me of gaslighting her, that I'm sick, a liar and not living in reality. And that I'm saying she has poor memory, that she's wrong, that I'm calling her a liar and that only liars can't remember what they said. I from the bottom of my heart and soul can't remember saying I had ever felt anything for her ex. I told her I wasn't trying to make her seem like she's crazy, that I'm on her side, I know she remembers things well and I want to remember but I just can't.  She still continued yelling at me, packed her things and left.

I don't know how to resolve this. I text her and did say she was right. That I said it and it was wrong of me to deny it, dismiss her feelings and deny my wrong doing. I know, I'm admitting to something I'm not sure I said but she remembers it that way and I'm on her side. I just don't know what to do. She told me to leave her alone and that by continuing to try and talk to her I'm making it worse so I'm granting her space as long as she needs it. I'm still lost as how to make this better when I'm telling the truth. I just don't remember saying that. I wish I did remember.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Sandb2015]

Hey Step3,

Sorry you are experiencing this, looks like a recycle.

What circumstances brought you to break up last time?

The whole “remembering thing”, that seems to be a constant in the BPD world.

If I’m not mistaken, I was in that situation many times racking my brain to remember saying things that my love would quote me saying.  I wanted to admit, apologize for things I just couldn’t remember. I just wanted it to stop, I wanted to yield, capitulate and be quickly forgiven.

No such thing during a dysregulation. I understand that pwBPD have a way of spinning things to represent their unfiltered feelings, hence unfiltered words.

Have you had this happen before? Did you use any tools from here?

[Step3]

Hi Sandb2015,

Thank you for responding. There's been a few occasions where she'll remember something I said that I don't remember saying or even her saying things and not remembering then accusing me of gaslighting her. I've been using tools from here as well as other resources that have made a big difference for her and I.

I've been thinking about the conversations she's referring to all day,  trying to remember. I do remember feeling cornered and her saying "so you had feelings for her." And I said yes to make it stop. But I didn't mean it. Now I feel terrible for telling her I don't remember. I honestly didn't in the moment. I want to talk to her so bad to work through this.

Our last break up happened because she asked me to go buy gummy bears and movie tickets but I didn't make time because I was trying to have dinner ready. She told me I was gaslighting her by saying I didn't have time to pick up the gummy bears.

[Sandb2015]

I’m having similar experiences as well as others here with you.

Can someone chime in to discuss what to do when that feeling of being backed into the corner situation happens?

The inexperienced non ends up saying things we shouldn’t I’m guessing it makes things worse.

What do we do?

Does anyone remember the old “Get Smart” or some 007 movies when they are in a room and it’s getting smaller and smaller?

How do we help ourselves without making it worse?

[Step3]

Sandb2015,

You describe it so perfectly, the room getting smaller and smaller. That's how it feels and in my case I was willing to make any move to get out of that shrinking room.

I learned something from this. As much as I want to be on her side or stop the badgering and end the conflict, being agreeable is not helping either person. If I had chosen to stand my ground and say "no, I didn't have feelings for her however I do take responsibility for my part of putting myself into her life which was wrong of me." I wouldn't have this problem. I lied to stop a fight. Now my credibility is tarnished because how can I be trusted if I was agreeable to save myself? I couldn't remember what I said because I was lying to end a conflict. The only way out of the small room is to politely, respectfully stand up for our truths whether the other person likes it or not. She called me a liar and she is right

[Sandb2015]

Getting “painted black” because we are seen as a liar, bad guy is so frustrating because we are not who they are seeing.

They are just words and it’s terribly difficult not to take them inside and be hurt.

The problem is you can’t stop it and because we can’t clear things up, it almost appears as though we are reinforcing the false label because we just let them say it.

[WileyCoyote]

In case you had not realized it yet... .Your partner is projecting what THEY are doing onto you.

Her behaviour is gaslighting... .THIS is gaslighting  

" accusing me of gaslighting her, that I'm sick, a liar and not living in reality. And that I'm saying she has poor memory, that she's wrong, that I'm calling her a liar and that only liars can't remember what they said. I from the bottom of my heart and soul can't remember saying I had ever felt anything for her ex. I told her I wasn't trying to make her seem like she's crazy, that I'm on her side, I know she remembers things well and I want to remember but I just can't."

 And it is having it's intended effect.  You are starting to question yourself and the reality you know to be true.   That is the very definition and goal of gaslighting.  It will make you question reality and your own perception.  It can have severe negative effects on your psyche.

Do your best to not let her tell you YOUR reality.  


Please give this a look.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

[once removed]

honesty is really the best policy 

admitting to false accusations might be akin to walking on eggshells, or validating the invalid. its not, i suspect, the model of a healthy relationship that you would like.

it sounds to me like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed so to speak (a highly sensitive person is like a nightmare when that happens), and wanted to fight. there are other ways and tools for that.

[Skip]

In case you had not realized it yet... .Your partner is projecting what THEY are doing onto you.

Coyote, gas-lighting is most often used in describing the behavior of a cheating partner... .where they create false realities to cover the time they spend with the affair partners. Example - business trips, working late, etc.

Gas-lighting doesn't have anything to do with what her partner is doing. Besides, countering her accusations of gas-lighting with counter accusations of gas-lighting (either in ones mind or verbalized to the other person) isn't constructive for someone trying to resolve a relationship conflict. Did that type of thing work for you?

  Step3

This is a tough situation for sure. People with BPD traits have inherent trust issues. When we survey members here about what was the over riding issue for broken relationships, broken trust is high on list.

So let's look at this from her perspective. You connected with her ex., which is a betrayal in anyone's mind, and she has no way to really know how far things went. How many times has a someone who cheated swore to their partner that "nothing happened".

Providing two different answers to the same question, makes this even dicier.

So regardless of what really happened, this would be a  problem in any relationship just based on the optics.

So what do you do?

My best suggestion is to wait until things cool, sit her down and explain you understand her quandary of not knowing what to believe, tell her you want to work this out with her and will work with her in trust counseling. Ask if she wants to do that or just move on. Explain that you very much want to repairs things, but you also can't bear to go forward in the relationship without resolving this/trust. Then you are both working on the same side.

I look forward to hearing others suggestions... .

[WileyCoyote]

Gas-lighting doesn't have anything to do with what her partner is doing. Besides, countering her accusations of gas-lighting with counter accusations of gas-lighting (either in ones mind or verbalized to the other person) isn't constructive for someone trying to resolve a relationship conflict. Did that type of thing work for you?

Incorrect.

Additionally, At no point did I say to  accuse anyone of anything sir.  I'm trying to help her see what is happening, to trust her truth.  And no.  Accusing someone of gaslighting will never "work".  But you sure as hell better try your best to see it when it is happening.   

Be well.

[Steps31]

Not remembering something that seemed trivial to you becomes a cardinal sin.
Then trying to explain it becomes
A - you're lying
B - you're guilty and scheming
C - you don't care

A game I'll avoid playing as soon as I see coming next time