Conflicted and concerned about my daughters future due to BPDwife

[tiebreak]

Hi everybody, this is my first post, although I've been reading the forums for a good while now.

My SO ticks all the boxes for BPD, and most of you are probably familiar with the usual behavioral patterns. She is undiagnosed and extremely unwilling to seek outside help. I'm psychologically quite tough and at this point pretty much immune to her dysregulation and drama. If it was just the two of us, I would probably leave.

We have a small daughter. My SO takes very good care of her technically, but I'm worried about the very possible psychological burden her mother might someday drop on her. Already the baby is sometimes labelled as 'mean' by my SO for just being a baby. When I'm around, my SO gets agitated and angry towards me if the baby makes noises that annoy her or wakes up during the night etc.

On top of the "normal" stuff my SO has started entertaining the idea of moving several hours away to be near her parents. She doesn't work and I don't have job opportunities nor personal ties in the area, so I'm opposed to this. When she starts ranting, she now threatens to take our daughter and leave. Today, as I left for work, she told me that they wouldn't be there when I come back. As usual, i didn't buy that. I'm starting to be quite fed up.

I don't want my daughter to suffer the same way my SO does, and I really think the child would be much better off growing up with a rational adult. Unfortunately, men here are still underdogs in custody battles.

Bit of a rant, I suppose. My point is to ask if anyone here has been in this position. Any experiences will be dearly appreciated.

-tiebreak

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi tiebreak, glad you decided to move from reading to posting yorself! 

I am so sorry about what you are going through, this seems like really tricky situation. I understand that you want the best for your daughter and prevent her from getting harmed by your wifes behavior. And I am convinced that your love and support as a dad can still make a great difference in your daughters life and prevent her from getting too affected.

Maybe you could take a look at the relatives board and ask the sons and daughters there about their experiences with a BPD parent and how you as a dad can support your child in the best possible way?

Unfortunately I am not familiar with custody law and can't really offer any advice there. Did you talk to a lawyer to evaluate your chances?

Today, as I left for work, she told me that they wouldn't be there when I come back. As usual, i didn't buy that.

So this is usually an empty threat and you don't think that she would actually leave?

Since I am no parent myself, I hope others will join and offer their advice as well.

[radoe]

From what I know, Disorder begets disorder.

Your daughter will have a higher chance of getting this.

That being said, the victim, the patient, your BPD that you love is not responsible or at fault.
There is evidence for both nature and nurture.

The consequence is not their fault.  It is our responsibility to make the best choice for the present and the future. 
get advice for a advisor trained in these matters, even better if the have the same spiritual perspective as you do.

[Harri]

Hi, 

An adult child of a BPD/disordered parent here.  I can't speak for all kids, but I can say that if your child has one healthy person who can give her unconditional love and validate here emotions, she has a much better chance of getting through development with less damage. 

What you already describe with your wife's behaviors with and around your child is concerning. 

Already the baby is sometimes labelled as 'mean' by my SO for just being a baby.

People with BPD will often see their children as extensions of theirself.  Accusations / statements like these are common and shows a lack of separation between her emotional state and the child just being a child.  Taking the behavior of an infant or child is not rational.  You can see that already.  The child can sense it.  Infants can read the emotional state of caregivers.  They may not have he verbal and cognitive skills to express it but they can sense these things and will react to them.

The best advice I have for you is to keep working on you, set boundaries, learn about child development and validating children while applying boundaries and discipline in loving and accepting ways.

You are not alone in this.  It take some practice and a lot of hard work but we have lots of parents who do this and do it well.  We can help you too.   

We do have a board for Family Law/ co-parenting where you can talk about custody issues and parenting with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Family Law and co-parenting, custody, divorce

[Dry Bones]

Hi tiebreak,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here.

Yes, your situation sounds all too familiar. It's almost word for word what my uBPDgf has said many a time. In fact, she has taken it a step further at times and said that when I return, she'll be dead or something to that effect. At this point, I believe it to be all bluff to hurt me, but she's taken serious action in the past, so I am beginning to think I should take her threats more seriously.

I have two young daughters and am very concerned about the effect my partner's dysregulations are having already on my D5. It's a very difficult and complicated situation. There are people here who are very knowledgeable about these situations and I hope you stick around.

In your case, as an adult she has the right to leave. You can listen to her and let her know that it's her choice, but you want to work things out and hope she doesn't go. As for the child, I'm not sure about the laws in your state. By uBPDgf tried to leave with D5 once when she was a baby (this is after pulling a knife and threatening to kill herself mind you) and I called the police. They said that if a parent chooses to leave, they cannot take the child out of their place of residence or the home that they are used to. I can imagine things are different if there is danger involved. I'd research the laws in your state.