Repair or rebuild?

[ETR]

Learning about BPD has enabled me to see my husband’s mental health through a new lens. When he is in private treatment and we work on repairing our relationship with a marriage therapist, things move in the right direction. Unfortunately, he often quits therapy because “it’s not working” and the cycle starts all over again. I’m just not sure if I can continue to pick up the pieces and start over and over again. It’s exhausting and difficult to manage while raising teenagers with their own needs... .not to mention losing my complete sense of self.  Is this even repairable?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, ETR!

Learning about BPD can be truly eye-opening, can't it? I started learning about it just a few months ago and the knowledge and tools I've picked up have been enormously helpful in dealing with my undiagnosed husband.

You'll find a lot of members here who can identify with you and can offer advice that can make things easier. Relationships with pwBPD are frustrating and difficult, but, yes, they can be repaired and strengthened. Many members here have had success. It just takes time and effort.

Hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. Learning more details makes it easier for us to know how to help.
Has your husband been officially diagnosed with BPD?
Can you explain a bit about the cycle? Are there behaviors of his that stand out to you as being particularly difficult to deal with?

[ETR]

My husband is not officially diagnosed with BPD but is diagnosed with anxiety, depression and adhd which he takes medication for. In the past 20 years he has been in therapy twice which are effective and helpful to our relationship.
The cycle usually starts with something triggering his depression, often work related.  He has had constant conflict issues at work throughout our relationship and has gotten himself fired or in trouble for such problems. His black and white views of situations and inability to work with others that are of different opinion, create problems. The cycle begins with him blaming his boss/coworkers for everything that is wrong with zero ownership of his behavior. He justifies that he was driven to his poor actions. Example: “I hate my boss, he is destroying myself worth therefore he makes me need to call in sick frequently and work from home to preserve myself”
Then this cycle begins a withdrawal period where he stop caring for himself, often drinking daily and playing video games or watching tv to escape. At this point I am pulled in as someone to blame. Even though I am checking in on him and trying to problem solve with him regarding work I am now an enemy because I am not comforting him in the way he wants to be comforted. Of course, this is extremely difficult because when he is withdrawing this way I am left caring for our children and home completely alone as well as worrying that my husband is going to be fired from his job and slip maybe even further and blow up our marriage and family. When he is in this vulnerable state, the trigger that pushes him over the edge is when I get attention from others in a public social setting. For example: if my band plays and people are giving me positive feedback.
The stand out behaviors are bad feelings at work = low self-esteem = withdrawal=feelings of abandonment = an inability to handle his feelings appropriately=further isolation=then a sudden shift in behavior to total self control and strong black and white views of situation. During this part of the cycle he blames me or anyone close for his behavior and with zero self reflection.

[Ozzie101]

That's a very difficult and frustrating cycle for a "non" to have to handle. We can see the cycle and the destructive attitudes and behaviors, but we can't make them understand their own role. And we're often the target of their rage and frustration. Been there. Am there right now, actually.

When he blames you and turns on you, how does that usually go? Could you give an example?

[ETR]

How he blames me?
I am blamed because it comes down to him saying his behavior is  a reflection of our inability to communicate. Almost like a “you made me go there” If I could just be on “his side” and support him. Now that blame has become inclusive of our friends. If I could just being more loving, if I could just not try and fix the problems, but instead love him more.  I am often told I have the problems and am just not a good match for him. That I need therapy to help me deal with feeling scared with him when he is in a rage (even though his behavior is scary for me, my kids and people who have seen it). He has a history or being verbally and physically agressive toward me and others.I am told his behavior is a reaction to my tone or lack of good communication, etc  the more I write about it the more I think, what am I doing?

[Ozzie101]

I understand where you're coming from. My H also blames his behavior on me. Accuses me of being unable to communicate, of not taking his side, of not supporting him enough. I, too, am scared of his rages. In fact, I have started keeping things from H not out of control or secretiveness, but out of fear.

You say he has a history of aggression. Have you talked to a therapist or counselor about what's going on? I've found that very helpful for me. Just talking and saying things out loud can be very therapeutic and help things to become clear.

[ETR]

I have in the past, but my past therapist felt I needed couple therapy more than individual therapy.  I have now decided to find someone for myself again because I need support in keeping my sanity intact. Recently all the manipulation has made me feel like I’m in a sci-fi series and I am having to journal and recall my story to make sure I don’t completely disappear. 
So we began seeing our  couples therapist for a while, quit... .things blew up a year down the line and we started again last June. We had been going weekly,  but due to logistics have only seen her once since December. Things are better when we are in consistent therapy and he is in individual therapy ( which he quit in Nov)
I guess what I am looking for is whether or not this can be managed with therapy, correct meds, etc. or should I prepare to take myself out of this situation?. 20 years is a long time and either decision requires a lot of work.

[Ozzie101]

 You're right. There's a lot of work involved.

I'm in much the same situation you are at the moment -- though my marriage is only 2 years old -- stay or go?

Finding a therapist for yourself is a very good idea. Frankly, if there was physical and/or emotional aggression involved, couples therapy is not the way to go. I've been warned against it myself by numerous people. I would suggest that you find a good therapist who has some background in dealing with BPD and with volatile domestic environments. Do you have resources in your area you can use?