I’m happy to report that my sleeping is getting better

[Gracie Hall]

Mod Note:  this thread is continued from this:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332994.new#new

I’m happy to report that my sleeping is getting better. Usually to bed by 10:30 and not waking up until 4:00,  sometimes going back to sleep sometimes the wheels are spinning. I have lost about 15 pounds but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Definitely a better way to do it but at least that is a little bonus. We’re working very hard To stay relaxed in the house and not react to harsh words or cause triggers of our own.  I guess that’s the walking on egg shells that people talk about and the title of the book I’m reading.
My son  has gotten a job which is a great thing as long as it doesn’t distract him from the fact that he is also trying to be an online college student. He loves to spend money and if he has a dollar in the pocket he’s going to spend it right away so I hope this job doesn’t end up costing him with his schoolwork but I guess that something he will have to work out on her s own. I can see that he currently has an assignment that was due three days ago that he hasn’t submitted to his professor and I just don’t know if I should ask him about it or just leave it alone and let what happens happens. Any advice on when to be involved and when not to?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

It's great your son got a job and I can also see how you'd be anxious about his ability to handle both. You're right that he'll have to work it out on his own, pitfalls and all 

Any advice on when to be involved and when not to?

This is a question many of us ask ourselves, Gracie. In fact, FeelingBetter has posted a whole thread dedicated to this subject. Have a look, post your thoughts - you'll see we are all learning together.

How do you cope with letting go?

As for asking your son about the assignment, I'd personally leave it alone, while gearing up for your response if/when he comes to you.

I'm happy to hear that you are sleeping better. I know that when I'm tired I have much difficulty coping with the daily ups and downs.

You say you are working hard to stay relaxed, not reacting to harsh words, this is great. I had to learn to be bulletproof and look for the feeling behind the words. Are you responding in any way?

You're doing great, Gracie, I'm really glad you're here sharing with us. I'm sure other parents are reading, relating, rooting you on. We support each other, it's what we do 

~ OH

[Gracie Hall]

When it comes to talking to my son I try and keep the conversation very low key.  I try not to ask to many questions at one time because that definitely aggravates him.  When he is feeling mad or upset he likes to remind me what a bad parent I was and that I have chosen to forget the past because I know I was wrong.  I find it best not to react to those words and try to move on to something new.  Things could be so much better if he would just concentrate on the now.  He did not go to therapy this week because he started to work I wasn’t sure what his schedule would be. He sure he doesn’t plan on making any more appointments and if he goes all that because I keep asking about it but I don’t think it would be helpful for him or the therapist. He would only be going to appease me and that won’t help the situation any. At the moment he’s very happy and excited and that’s because of the new job, I just hope two months from now he still likes that job and can stay positive with his work.

[Only Human]

Although I'm sure it's difficult, it's good that you don't react to his "reminders," Gracie. It also seems you're stepping back and letting him make a new T appointment, or not, recognizing that he may not benefit from T if he's going just to appease you.

FeelingBetter asked a good question, regarding this part of your recent post:

Bad news, the therapist told me that it is obvious that he is lieing at his sessions, that he is manipulative, a narcissist and she hopes he makes it through his 20’s

How did this make you feel?

~ OH

[Enjoysnooker]

It is good to hear things are improving. I was very glad to read you're getting sleep. Sleep is such a game changer.
My two cents (and bear in mind I am still struggling aka learning a lot about boundaries/ rescuing/ codependency) is to not mention the assignment. I am sure he knows. It is his assignment. I also know how hard it is. I know that in my bones and marrow, the not mentioning it.
I read how you wrote about how he'll spend any dollar he has and I am thinking that is not how you would like to see things. Again, I am a mother really in the trenches of trying to navigate my own way with my uBPDD so give a lot more credence and time to listening  to people who have been here longer, the people who keep this site up and going and lead us to the resources and have years of experience under their belts. I contemplated not even writing but I am writing, then I'll get coffee.
So let's say one has a child whose values are really in stark contrast to the values of the parent or the home, be it money or work ethic or anything. It's a tall order to be able to step back as a parent and these kids become adults and accept that they are who they are. Period. Even if how they live and what they do is really distressing to us or hurts other people. It's maybe the tallest order.
I am rambling but you know how some people just spend every cent and I, for one, think maybe saving some is a good plan (life, etc) but hey, who am I to say? Is my way right? Is there a right and wrong.
Same with doing assignments. If it's not done, there will be consequences (fail, etc) for him and for you all as a family. I fought tooth and nail to protect my daughter from the consequences of her actions. Oh my. Yeah. Oh my. So it's like today I sit here and think oh my, that was not the route to go. I was the mess fixer for a decade plus and am now broke and exhausted and trying to think about how to go forward. So I share that to say I wish someone had told me this when she was still a teen and not 33 with 3 children, one on the way, and no visible means of support for any of them. Yeah.
I apologize if this is too long and not relevant but my two cents, it's his assignment. Don't even ask about it. That's my two cents. Which may be totally not the right thoughts but I offer it up.
And I wish you and your son all good things. Peace.
ES

[Only Human]

Enjoysnooker has given some great input here, Gracie.

ES, your participation in other members' threads is not only welcomed, but encouraged. We are all learning together and those of us who have "been here longer" are included in the "We."

~ OH

Again, I am a mother really in the trenches of trying to navigate my own way with my uBPDD so give a lot more credence and time to listening  to people who have been here longer, the people who keep this site up and going and lead us to the resources and have years of experience under their belts. I contemplated not even writing but I am writing,
ES

[Gracie Hall]

 Yesterday was a terrible day, my BPD son spent the whole day either in bed or openly talking about the day he does himself in. He sees no future for himself and he thinks there is no help for him.  He doesn’t want to read anything, say therapy is not helping, (he is not honest with the therapist) and doesn’t try to help himself in anyway.  It is very sad because he has no support group, he blames everything on us and has very few friends.  I am at a total loss!

[smallbluething]

Yesterday was a terrible day, my BPD son spent the whole day either in bed or openly talking about the day he does himself in. He sees no future for himself and he thinks there is no help for him.  He doesn’t want to read anything, say therapy is not helping, (he is not honest with the therapist) and doesn’t try to help himself in anyway.  It is very sad because he has no support group, he blames everything on us and has very few friends.  I am at a total loss!

Gracie, so sorry to hear you had such a terrible day.  When you have a dreadful day all you can do is try to weather the storm and wait for a better day - I hope one comes soon.

Like ES I'm a recovering mess-fixer myself (and also a newbie) and taking a step back as ES suggests has definitely improved my state of mind. But it is hard at first, and I still have 'millstone' days when my DD pushes me hard and the heart weighs so heavy it is so hard to put the good ideas and mindfulness into practice. On those days we just have to endure as best we can i think.

[Enjoysnooker]

Like ES I'm a recovering mess-fixer myself

If I got a tattoo and I don't think I will, it would say recovering mess-fixer

I am sorry to hear the day was very hard, Gracie. Those are hard things to witness (your son's suffering and his view at present). I don't think anything quite prepares us for any of this/that. I think all of us need to know that bad days are not permanent. It is easier to know as older adults, to know that life is phases of times of relative ease and times of real distress. In youth, it's hard to know that the latter will ever go and times of ease may come back, with a little help from ourselves and our choices.
Despite all the words we say in life, I think (my two cents) our actions speak loudly. How do we care for ourselves in a day? What small things to do we that no one can ruin or intrude upon, even if their mood is really bad. Boundaries.
I am hearing impaired (digital hearing aids) and sometimes I think oh, let's uh, just turn these off and nod knowingly. Bad, ES, bad. Ha. But I think my point is that I think (and oh, hindsight is 20/20) we/me/you are not called to suffer 24 hours a day with them. Of what use is two humans suffering? It is not of use, not if it can be helped.
Now keep in mind I am VERY LATE to the game, very late, but you can teach an old dog (me) new tricks (boundaries, what a concept!). We all are capable of change. I believe that.
Can you make a small list on on index card of small acts that soothe or comfort you? For me it would be "go outdoors," "read," "knit," "play snooker," "jigsaw puzzle." I also try to be aware of what my kryptonite is (surfing social media, large bags of chips and dip, endless HGTV).
If we can (and believe me, I am so far from "there" it's a bit laughable that I even offer advice) find our own steady ground so that we can stand on those grounded two feet when the world tips and tilts for our kids who suffer this thing we call BPD. I think it's really valuable if they can see us modeling the steady ground, seeking help if we want to, doing things that show we are taking gentle care of ourselves.
Thus endeth the ES rant for tonight, wishing you peace,
ES

[Acronym]

I would not recommend you to insist on your son's visits to a psychotherapist. This may damage your relationship with him even more.

As for normalizing the situation with sleep, it is good. When I tried to normalize mine when my father died last January, I needed to use modafinil as the help.

Right now I am visiting a psychotherapist because my brain still insists on the fact my dad is alive. Sometimes I suffer from this even more.