Do I Miss Her

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My boyfriend asked me last night, if I missed my mom.  He patiently listened to the ear full of reasons why I actually don't miss her at all.  A part of me feels shamed for not missing her and a part of me feels a constant sense of relief as each day passes.  I think of her face and it makes me sad to think that I could be hurting her.  I think of her voice and the words she uses and I wince inside and retreat to my safe place.  I could end this 'silence' but I don't want to.  It isn't because I want to be mean or cruel but because I seriously have been needing silence and peace of mind.

I do miss having my mom available for advice if I need it.  But, I have always missed the mom I feel I have needed my entire life. 

What I don't miss:
*Being questioned about everything (What's for dinner, where did you get those shoes, when did you get that little trinket hanging in an obscure place in your house, why do you hang the shower curtain so high)
*Criticism - you should have done that like this.  I would have done that this way.  Basically you should listen to me and do everything the way I would do it, and if you question that there will be conflict.
*Rambling - on an on and on about the same topic.  Probably about 3 or 4 that I have told her I don't want to talk about.  Trying to end a conversation and 45 minutes later still on the phone trying to get out of the conversation that I just told her I was done talking about.
*Being guilted for being me
*Being intruded / descended upon by her rummaging around my cabinets looking for food she is too cheap to buy on her own, but loves eating.
*Being told about her health ailments which most really are not health ailments at all.  Having to hear for hours on end about how the test for her heart came back OK by her doctor but her questioning how he is reading the thing and her worrying about him not reading it right.  Worrying about every little thing that happens to her body.  And this goes on and on and on for hours to the point where I feel like jumping out of a window (except I live in a single story house).  Insert sarcasm (I am not suicidal at all, never have been - I thought I should mention that here) :D
*Listening to her talk the very same way to my niece that she raises that she talked to me.  Man, what a trigger that is.  I am sometimes brought back to being 8 years old in my head and can hear her voice and it makes me physically feel ill.

I just thought I would put that down as I finish off week 5 of no contact here on  my end.  It keeps getting easier as the days go by.  Still very painful, but I feel like I am now mourning the loss of the mother I have never had, missing parts of her that I do like and love and feeling relieved from the parts that torture my mind without any recompense for my emotional state of mind.

[chronsweet]

My boyfriend asked me last night, if I missed my mom.  He patiently listened to the ear full of reasons why I actually don't miss her at all.  A part of me feels shamed for not missing her and a part of me feels a constant sense of relief as each day passes.  I think of her face and it makes me sad to think that I could be hurting her.  I think of her voice and the words she uses and I wince inside and retreat to my safe place.  I could end this 'silence' but I don't want to.  It isn't because I want to be mean or cruel but because I seriously have been needing silence and peace of mind.

I do miss having my mom available for advice if I need it.  But, I have always missed the mom I feel I have needed my entire life. 

What I don't miss:
*Being questioned about everything (What's for dinner, where did you get those shoes, when did you get that little trinket hanging in an obscure place in your house, why do you hang the shower curtain so high)
*Criticism - you should have done that like this.  I would have done that this way.  Basically you should listen to me and do everything the way I would do it, and if you question that there will be conflict.
*Rambling - on an on and on about the same topic.  Probably about 3 or 4 that I have told her I don't want to talk about.  Trying to end a conversation and 45 minutes later still on the phone trying to get out of the conversation that I just told her I was done talking about.
*Being guilted for being me
*Being intruded / descended upon by her rummaging around my cabinets looking for food she is too cheap to buy on her own, but loves eating.
*Being told about her health ailments which most really are not health ailments at all.  Having to hear for hours on end about how the test for her heart came back OK by her doctor but her questioning how he is reading the thing and her worrying about him not reading it right.  Worrying about every little thing that happens to her body.  And this goes on and on and on for hours to the point where I feel like jumping out of a window (except I live in a single story house).  Insert sarcasm (I am not suicidal at all, never have been - I thought I should mention that here) :D
*Listening to her talk the very same way to my niece that she raises that she talked to me.  Man, what a trigger that is.  I am sometimes brought back to being 8 years old in my head and can hear her voice and it makes me physically feel ill.

I just thought I would put that down as I finish off week 5 of no contact here on  my end.  It keeps getting easier as the days go by.  Still very painful, but I feel like I am now mourning the loss of the mother I have never had, missing parts of her that I do like and love and feeling relieved from the parts that torture my mind without any recompense for my emotional state of mind.

[Sad4Her]

Hi,
I am crying as I read your post. All the things that you have listed I could have wrote about my own mother. It's comforting yet sad to hear all these same stories, including my own. I don't wish this life on anyone. I have not posted in a few months because I've had a little break from the drama of my mother but came back today and posted because it has started up again. I have recently, finally at 46 years old, separated from living with my mom and it was great for a few months. However, she is now living with a friend who has has enough and again I have to deal with the humiliation and be responsible to clean up her mess. Being an only child puts a lot of pressure on. Although I am dealing with all this too, know that I am hear for you and anyone else to reach out to. Lord knows, I know the feeling of needing to get it out. I needed it today. I love my mother to no end and that's what makes it so painful. Stay strong. I hope that if my mom continues to cause drama and get no help that I will eventually be strong enough to let go completely.

[Harri]

Hi chronsweet! 

I was nodding my head in recognition and sympathy as I read through your list of things you don't miss.  I also understand feeling shame for not missing her.   All those should's would pipe up in my head and I would have to remind myself that none of those things 'should' have happened. 

Feelings just are.  Including feeling shame or guilt.  We don't need to act on them and they do not always fit the facts.

Still very painful, but I feel like I am now mourning the loss of the mother I have never had, missing parts of her that I do like and love and feeling relieved from the parts that torture my mind without any recompense for my emotional state of mind.

Good.  As hard as this is to process and go through, grieving what we never had is so important.  I hope you keep reaching out to us here.  We can listen and support you.

[chronsweet]

Harri, thanks for the validation.  It really helps.  Sad4her, I weep alot these days.  It is starting to feel good.  The recognition of the pain feels nice to relate to.  I don't like walking around like a cry baby  but just acknowledging that my childhood happened exactly how I perceived it, feels comforting in a sad way. 

I am on my phone so a long reply isnt doable for me. 

But thank you both for listening, and for caring.

[Sad4Her]

Chronsweet,
Yes, crying is not my thing either but I too cry a lot lately. It's incredible to hear such familiar stories. I pray that everyone dealing with this will find this website. I thought NO ONE could be dealing with a mother like mine even if they had some other mental illness. I find that people don't take it seriously because they chalk it up to just a nasty personality because they don't see the really bizarre behaviors that are behind closed doors. Then I found this site and all of you guys and I am both relieved and extremely saddened to find there are others out there. I hope that you, and all of us, can one day find peace.

[chronsweet]

Sad4her, the realization that there are others and I am not alone is probably what makes me weep the most.  It is such a relief to know that my feelings ARE validated and I have a right to feel them.

[Jsab13]

Hi to everyone on this thread. I’m new to this message board and have been combing through it for hours and found this post. I too was nodding along as if I had written it. I’ve felt so isolated and alone in this relationship with my mother. It’s been about two months since I’ve spoken to her, not for her lack of trying. My mother has gotten increasingly verbally abusive in the past few years. She continues to reach out to me and tell me she loves me and misses me and all she wants to do is listen to me but that’s never the case. It’s like she knows she should try and there’s something wrong with her but she won’t get the help she needs after I’ve pleaded with her for probably over five years and even offered to go to joint therapy with her. I don’t have a dad, he left when I was young, and mental Illness and alcoholism  runs rampant in my family so I’m estranged from most of them as well. My wife tries to understand but still thinks I should talk to her.

I Actually just had this conversation with my wife about missing my mom,  she asked me as well when I received the most recent text message from my mother asking again if we can talk. I do miss her tender moments and I miss having a mother, but I don’t miss her verbal attacks on my character, her projection that I’m bad and don’t care about her when I can’t talk for two hours at a time.

Most recently I went back to my old city in November to visit friends and family,, again I live far away out of state, and she was supposed to come visit as it’s a short two hour drive and my brother also lives there. We had firm plans for her to come over to my in-laws house, this is after a prolonged period of horrible dysfunctional two years where we haven’t been very close and haven’t seen each other much (a laundry list of events including the aforementioned verbal abuse and even a stint of her cyber bullying me) I was very anxious about this visit. I didn’t  call her back immediately the day before because I was at a wedding. So when we were supposed to meet she ignored me when I did call and text her and drive the two hours home and didn’t tell me. When she finally answered the phone when she was already supposed to be at my in-laws house she simply answered, “I’m at home and I’m doing a face mask”

That started the period of no contact for me. I’m working on mourning for the mother I wish I had, which was advice that I got from a therapist a few years ago but it’s so much harder said than done when she won’t leave my life or give me space.

I feel so guilty about no speaking to her. I actually just realized that she has BPD/NPD by talking to friends and a therapist about her behavior and then found this board. Honestly, my immediate reaction to reading what you all have said and reading through others first hand accounts of mothers with BPD and I let out a huge sigh of relief and almost giggled. None of it is funny, but it’s such a relief to know I’m not alone and it’s not me and that I’m not wrong or bad.

Thank you for being here and for listening. I’m so happy to have found you all.

[sklamath]

It's been nearly a year of NC with my uBPD/covert NPD mom (and LC with my dad), and this rings most true for me:

But, I have always missed the mom I feel I have needed my entire life. 

I have done a lot of grieving for the emotional support I wish I had, but I have come to a better place of accepting that it's just outside my mom's capacity. I've also come to a better place of acceptance about my non-BPD  dad's lack of emotional maturity.

I don't miss the jealousy over time spent with other family members or friends. I don't miss the guilt trips, the pouting, or the constant insinuation that I have done something bad--indeed, that I am somehow inherently bad--though it remains a struggle to shake what I have internalized. I don't miss the anxiety over whether good mommy or bad mommy will be on the other end of the phone, wondering if there's something I may have said or done or not said or done since our last interaction that she may have been ruminating over. I don't miss the gaslighting. I don't miss her smug moral superiority and "I'm sorry, but I just feel... ." statements that leave little room for anyone but her in her life.

[chronsweet]

Yeah, still no contact with my mom.  Some days, I still feel numb.  Some days, I feel horrible and sad.  Some days, I just feel relieved.  I still don't miss her, miss her.  I don't miss her company. 

She lives literally 2 blocks away.  She has said to my son that his grammy misses and loves him.  Just because me and her aren't talking doesn't mean she doesn't love him.  She sees him in passing when he goes to school from time to time. 
My niece has approached my son asking when am i going to apologize.

My mom is too irrational to even know that I really am not mad.  I am just done being hurt.  For all the same reasons why everyone can relate to my mom, she is really just incapable of self-examination.

In the silence from her constantly criticising mouth, I have realized how screwed up I actually am.  I have some serious abandonment issues myself.  I struggle with hoping I don't have BPD myself.  But, in my heart, I know myself. I know the things about being kind and honest and caring are true.  It is terrifying to think of being like her.  I have never wanted to be like her and so I feel this need to break off.  I feel a need to let her carry thru with the threats she has told me my entire life. 

*She is not my mother anymore
*She wants anything she has ever given me back
*She talks bad about me to other people
*She talks bad about my kid (her grandson) to other people
*She disinherits me and threatens to never do anything kind again
*She acts like it is inconvenient, strainful, and totally put-off most of the time I ask her to watch my son.  My brother has 10 kids, most of whom he doesn't care for, and my mom feels it is necessary to help my brother's kids.  I am a successful professional and am the picture of responsibility, and she treats me like crap.
*If she gets mad at someone, she wants me to be mad at that person too.  When I don't comply, I am now bad too.
*She has called me names that a stranger has no right calling me, and, she is my 'mother'

If this person were my significant other or a friend or acquaintance, I wouldn't put up with it.  So, why would or should I put up with it from the one person who is supposed to love me and support me unconditionally.  The list above is not comprehensive either (haha).  So, yeah, I have abandonment issues.  I really need to work on these and access them and cry through them and release them.

Thanks everyone for commenting on my post.

[Sad4Her]

cronsweet, it's been awhile. Just checking in. Hope you are doing good.