my wife has BPD

[rv man]

For the last 25 years of marriage I could never figure out why my wife and I argued and disagreed so much she always had to be right and would go into rages.  We went to many different marriages counselors over the years and it would help at times but the last counselor I went to on my own my wife refused to go suggested  reading Walking ON EGG Shells.  The book described my wife perfectly as having high functioning Borderline personality disorder.  I tried some of the limit setting in the book.  It was awful and unsuccessful so far.  She has forbid me to go back to the counselor and wrote her a nasty email.  I am going to try and set some limits again as the book says.  We have 4 grown children and 2 are still living at home and going to school. It is very difficult to set the limits because she will fight them and break them.  I would hate to break up our family because we still do so much together at times.  Not sure how to approach her about going for treatment?  Life with her is getting more difficult every day.  I did find out she was molested from the age of 6 to 16 by a brother in law so I feel so bad for her.  He past away several years ago so maybe there is no closure there.  I love and care for her very much.  I need to find a way to get her some treatment for the pain and the BPD .


   

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[once removed]

hi rv man, and

what sorts of limits are you trying to set in your relationship?

[Ozzie101]

Hello, rv man! Welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through all this but glad you found us. We're a supportive group here, with lots of advice and experience to share.

Setting boundaries is a tricky thing and it's common to run into some major resistance when you first start out. That's good that you're trying again and you'll find that other members have had successes (and failures) there as well.

[rv man]

I tried setting limit on yelling.  Also set a limit on name calling like stupid and idiot. Then there are always smart remarks and comments.  Yelling she said she can do whatever she wanted I do not control her.  Name calling she said do not do stupid things and I will not call you stupid The smart comments never stopped and if i do not like them I can move out.  She has a answer for everything. 

[once removed]

she said she can do whatever she wanted I do not control her

at the end of the day, shes right. thats the frustrating part. the more you try, the more frustrated i suspect youll be.

it might make things simpler to take a two prong approach.

1. brainstorm (here) what your actions will be if she yells or calls names. avoid punitive stuff, or tit for tat.

2. setting limits as a partnership will work a lot better than imposing them on her. its best to do that in a time of calm, or for example when the two of you have one of those talks about the status of your relationship, how things are going, etc. youll want to listen to her concerns as well. youll want to appeal to her better nature when you talk about what bugs you about yelling or name calling (the two of you are better than that, you think it doesnt set a good example for the kids, that kinda thing, free of blame but for the good of you and her as a team).

how do the arguments themselves go? can you give us a recent example?