We are attempting an in-home separation

[sotiredofthis]

Not trying to highjack this thread but I'm also in the midst of discussing a healing separation with my semi-diagnosed wife. We are attempting an in-home separation to avoid disrupting our daughters' lives. They live with us part of the time and their dad half time so we don't want to do a full separation if we don't have to. The goals of the separation are to allow for space for healing and strengthening of my wife who is in therapy for trauma and PTSD. She has depended on me for all of her support and strength and this has affected our relationship. She trying to learn to self soothe and it's hard if I'm around because we're both used to me being her support.

Any suggestions for how to be supportive without being engulfed and without having my life highjacked by her emotional needs?

Thanks for any suggestions.

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[once removed]

what are the parameters of the separation?

[sotiredofthis]

On days when girls are home, default for me is upstairs (our bedroom is in basement) with the girls. Wife will join for dinner and be around but there are no expectations other than dinner together. We sleep in same bedroom but do our own bedtime routines.

On days when girls are not home, I have the basement, she has the main floor. We each do our own thing.

It's not no-contact but limited contact. Logistical things but nothing emotional or about 'us'. This is planned as a temporary healing separation to give her emotional space to heal her own trauma that she is working on in therapy and also to give me a break from being her sole emotional support. I also am working on my own boundaries around my availability for 'processing' and soothing of her emotions, scheduling my needs around getting enough sleep and being present for outbursts/blaming/emotional dumping when she is triggered.

I am noticing the huge pull that I have to want to soothe her, to 'fix things', to help her regulate her emotions. Yesterday was hard because she was upset about something and was really struggling and my instinct/impulse was to comfort her and be there for her. She really has no one else and this is part of the issue that I am her sole emotional support.

It is really hard and complicated.

[Harri]

I am noticing the huge pull that I have to want to soothe her, to 'fix things', to help her regulate her emotions... .She really has no one else and this is part of the issue that I am her sole emotional support.

It is hard to step back and let others self-soothe or learn to do so. 

One thing that can help me is sometimes I can recognize that my impulse to fix or comfort is more about me trying to control things so that I can have peace and I know that everything is okay.  If I catch it in time, I can keep myself to my side of the street and simply say something validating (if appropriate) and let the other person Be.

Does that apply to you?  I have read where it does apply for many of us here and for others it might be something else.

What do you think you get out of trying to soothe and fix things for her?

[sotiredofthis]

I think that my soothing/comforting her has contributed to me feeling better about myself, stronger than her, maybe even superior to her. NOT a healthy point of view. I think I am a natural-born rescuer (my day job is mental health therapist) and this has played right into that. In my therapist role I do not rescue people from their emotions so it's just in this relationship that I end up doing this. I think it has damaged things and I want to get to a place where I feel I am in an egalitarian relationship, not one where I am superior.

This is hard because I have my own pattern of ignoring my emotions and shutting down to avoid triggering and my wife is the exact opposite. Opposites attract.

It is mostly about me and my need to control things to have peace so that will be helpful to remember that. Thank you for your perspective.

[Harri]

I think that my soothing/comforting her has contributed to me feeling better about myself, stronger than her, maybe even superior to her. NOT a healthy point of view.

I can relate to this.   It is not easy to see and accept this in ourself but it is important.  Have you ever had a relationship where you had the opposite role (been the fixee)?  I have.  Seeing the role from both sides is interesting. 

This is hard because I have my own pattern of ignoring my emotions and shutting down to avoid triggering and my wife is the exact opposite. Opposites attract.

I think of these sorts of relationships as having interlocking wounds.  We each have a role.  They will also hit us to our core and stir up a lot of our own stuff.  I think that is, at least in part, why some of these relationships are so hard to recover from or within.  It sounds like you have awareness and are willing to work on things.

Learning the tools here can help you help yourself and find a healthier role in your relationship.

Have you had a chance to read about any of the tools and see how they can help you as well?

[sotiredofthis]

I've mostly lurked for years here. I've attempted SET and making sure not to JADE has saved many hours of arguing. I think validation is the hardest for me because often my wife's blame triggers me and then I'm defending myself.


I feel like this separation is a jump start to getting back to neutral or positive and having a healthier relationship at the end.

[Q-DawgVFR]

I hope you are able to get some benefits from the in home separation.  It sounds like you have some rules in place, which is good, as long as people stick to the agreement.

I tried an in home separation once (moved across the hall to spare room for a little over a week), but it didn't do us much good at the time.  It was pre-BPD awareness and I had weak boundaries and took her back with open arms when she broke down saying she missed me so much and hated the time apart.

Obviously you have more knowledge than I did at the time.

What I will say is that sometimes it's hard for someone to actually be self reliant/self soothing when you're still physically present and somewhat close at times.  Hopefully there's enough separation for her to be able to focus on her own path, and you yours.

Wishing you both success, whatever that looks like.

[Harri]

I am glad you came out of lurker mode!  heh

It is good you are familiar with some of the tools.  Do you ever feel anxious when you keep from soothing your wife?  One of the things that made it hard for me was dealing with the anxiety I felt when I did not act on my impulses.  I haven't been in your situation but I think I can imagine some of the discomfort you feel when trying not to step in.  Or am I making the wrong assumption here?  stranger things have happened! ;)

I think validation is the hardest for me because often my wife's blame triggers me and then I'm defending myself.

This is hard!  Sometimes if you can't validate, just making sure you don't invalidate is helpful, though that too can be difficult when feeling triggered.  I'm just trying to think of ways you can work through this.

I do think your set up for the in house separation is good.  It will take discipline and commitment but it sounds like you have that.