managed to emerge from the other side changed, but for the better

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi y’all,

Been awhile sinc eI’ve posted here and hope you all are keeping on as best as you can and that things are improving. I wanted to make this post as a source of support of anyone in need, as 8 have just been through similar circumstances, and managed to emerge from the other side changed, but for the better and in better circumstances than I was in. I met someone wonderful and am in a healthy relationship and have successfully detached from my exPWBPD. If anyone ever wants to talk, vent, advice, anything at all I wanted to make myself available as a friend. I’ll say my two most pertinent pieces of advice are: no contact and time. Be well friends and please do not hesitate to DM me if you’d like to talk!

With love,
Dylan

[dylondawg]

Hi y’all,

Been awhile sinc eI’ve posted here and hope you all are keeping on as best as you can and that things are improving. I wanted to make this post as a source of support of anyone in need, as 8 have just been through similar circumstances, and managed to emerge from the other side changed, but for the better and in better circumstances than I was in. I met someone wonderful and am in a healthy relationship and have successfully detached from my exPWBPD. If anyone ever wants to talk, vent, advice, anything at all I wanted to make myself available as a friend. I’ll say my two most pertinent pieces of advice are: no contact and time. Be well friends and please do not hesitate to DM me if you’d like to talk!

With love,
Dylan

[Luan]

That's a really nice thing to offer Dylan,

I can feel that I have have changed as a result of having a 4 month r/s with an uBPD woman, been out of it just 2 1/2 months. I have had recent interactions with her, which were good in that it has resolved the issues somewhat more, but bad because I feel just as in love as ever. I've learnt how hard it is for her, and she is not apart from me because she doesn't like me, but because I challenge her to take the harder path too much.

I am learning much about the 'exquisite pain' of letting go, the difficult life she lives, and how to be a better human. I hope it is all worth it, and your note gives me hope.

Thanks, Luan (I might send you a pm one day, make sure you keep checking in   )

[once removed]

its good to hear how youre doing, dd. im glad things have taken a turn for the better.

I wanted to make myself available as a friend.

why not respond to members threads? new members need mentors, and hope from those further along in the process.

[beautifullybrkn]

Thank you dylondawg! Even though it doesn't feel like it now (I'm only a little over a month out of my relationship) it's comforting to know I'll get there one day.
Do you mind me asking how long your relationship was and how long it took you to start to feel better? Any tip that was most helpful to you? A month out and I'm feeling better. The initial shock and grief is so devastating. Slowly crawling out of denial and being able to truly accept and acknowledge the situation and see the ex for who he was once his mask slipped and what he was doing was blown open. This realization was very recent and also when everything began shifting for me. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone, although I'd like to think of the experience as a blessing in disguise forcing me to look within to work on the necessary healing so that I no longer attract this abuse into my life.

[dylondawg]

Thank you dylondawg! Even though it doesn't feel like it now (I'm only a little over a month out of my relationship) it's comforting to know I'll get there one day.
Do you mind me asking how long your relationship was and how long it took you to start to feel better? Any tip that was most helpful to you? A month out and I'm feeling better. The initial shock and grief is so devastating. Slowly crawling out of denial and being able to truly accept and acknowledge the situation and see the ex for who he was once his mask slipped and what he was doing was blown open. This realization was very recent and also when everything began shifting for me. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone, although I'd like to think of the experience as a blessing in disguise forcing me to look within to work on the necessary healing so that I no longer attract this abuse into my life.

Hey there

[dylondawg]

Thank you dylondawg! Even though it doesn't feel like it now (I'm only a little over a month out of my relationship) it's comforting to know I'll get there one day.
Do you mind me asking how long your relationship was and how long it took you to start to feel better? Any tip that was most helpful to you? A month out and I'm feeling better. The initial shock and grief is so devastating. Slowly crawling out of denial and being able to truly accept and acknowledge the situation and see the ex for who he was once his mask slipped and what he was doing was blown open. This realization was very recent and also when everything began shifting for me. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone, although I'd like to think of the experience as a blessing in disguise forcing me to look within to work on the necessary healing so that I no longer attract this abuse into my life.

Hey there! I dated my PWBPD for roughly 10 months, exclusive for five. Started feeling better about a month, month and a half out. My tips are: read as much as you can about BPD. Talk to a therapist about your experiences. Watch Demars Coaching videos on YouTube (trust me). Block everywhere. I blocked my exes phone, her work phone, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, email, work email, and her friends and family. It helps if they have no means to communicate with you. And strict, strict no contact if they do. My policy is to never respond to anything, ever, at all. And it works. Eventually they will leave you alone if they receive nothing from you. It all sounds harsh I know, but these are not normal healthy relationships. Hope that helps!

[beautifullybrkn]

Hey there! I dated my PWBPD for roughly 10 months, exclusive for five. Started feeling better about a month, month and a half out. My tips are: read as much as you can about BPD. Talk to a therapist about your experiences. Watch Demars Coaching videos on YouTube (trust me). Block everywhere. I blocked my exes phone, her work phone, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, email, work email, and her friends and family. It helps if they have no means to communicate with you. And strict, strict no contact if they do. My policy is to never respond to anything, ever, at all. And it works. Eventually they will leave you alone if they receive nothing from you. It all sounds harsh I know, but these are not normal healthy relationships. Hope that helps!

Thanks, I do watch his videos he's great love his bluntness! There are a few others on Youtube that have helped. Keeping myself educated has almost become obsessive but it really does help! I have not completely blocked him on social media yet. I don't know why that last thread is so hard to cut! I've "hidden" him and am not tempted to stalk him on social media or anything. I don't know why really, I think maybe it's because I've known him for 20+ years and we have many mutual friends which I know makes no sense. There's no reason for us to still be connected in any way. He still has a key to my home which he's kinda held over me in the past when we'd have what I'd call a "misunderstanding" not quite an argument but he would throw a tantrum play the victim and tell he me would drop my key off (in an attempt for me to validate him and say no I don't want that etc... .) I did get my locks changed immediately when I went no contact though. He may be holding it for some control or to make future contact but there have been no attempts made.  He also may have gotten back with a psychotic ex and I don't want either of them to have access to my house! I'd like to think that I would never respond to him if he reached out!

[Cromwell]

I fully agree with dylondawg on this, it made all the difference to completely go no contact but do it decisively. I did get back into contact, it sent me into a tailspin of anxiety again.

At the same time, I think it would have been better handled in terms of my own closure, I ended up ghosting her, twice.

If I could go back in time I would have liked some outside expertise on how to have finished it rather than a cliffhanger ending. There were moments during NC that I had to hold myself back from sending a message on FB.

a situation that could have been avoided if I had been able to write a goodbye message that would have put my feelings forward but in a way that would also limit the chance of it being just another source of conflict. It feels the way I did it was an emotional equivalent of surgical amputation of a limb to stop the spread of a cancer, but there could have been a better way.

ending the r/s and getting closure done 'right' can make the NC recovery period a bit smoother I believe.