Husband undiagnosed and wanted to split up

[tulip123]

Hello - this is my first post. I am feeling very isolated, scared and anxious. I need some help and advice.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 8 and have a 3 year old son. (I am 32 he is 34).
I have always known that he suffers from depression and he admits this. He has always said that he felt on the "outside" or isolated from his family as a child. In recent years conflicts (both physical and emotional) with his brother (who has addiction and mental health issues) increased and he ended their relationship. His parents clearly chose his brothers side. He even tried therapy with his parents to help them understand but it was ill received by them, they said very hurtful things. He is still very angry and feels abandoned by his family.
He has always had a high conflict personality and relationship with me. As well as black/white relationships with others. He is easily slighted and hold grudges.
Once our son was born our conflicts increased. He tells me that he felt that I "ruined" the first months of our sons life because I suffered from postpartum and made it difficult for him to feel involved.
He also says that I am absentminded (I admit I am), don't follow through with any commitments/promises that I make to him (aiding him in eating right, exercising, assisting with his business, making positive changes around the house), that I hold back my feelings and do not communicate well with him, that I take him for granted and that I am always on the defense (which I am) and that I "live life on damage control". He has begged for me to help him feel stable and consistency. His criticism of me is vast... .I'm sure I am missing many things on his list of my faults. Our conflicts are always always my fault, never his. Conflicts I see as small are HUGE to him.
Last March we had our biggest fight ever and he left for a week. Leaving me with three dogs, a toddler and a broken heart. Then he reached out, said he wanted to be together and that things needed to change. We decided to move 2 hours away (to somewhere we'd talked about retiring) and wanted to recommit. Once we got here conflicts didn't get any better. He is always the one expressing discontent. Never me.
It's like a three week or so cycle - bliss to hell.
3 weeks ago after an argument he said he's had enough, doesn't like the person I am, does see me as his friend anymore, doesn't want to stay together, that we are just wasting our lives together, if I haven't changed by now I never will. Spent a week of him reinforcing his "hate" for me verbally and through text. Then we had a week of being civil, spending time as a family, a few times of sex, talking about future plans (including a family vacation and another child) but still tension. I got comfortable with things improving and that made him pull away again - he said I always think that I can say sorry and expect everything to be fine. He is again furious. Doesn't want to be near me, says to leave him alone, that he only wants to communicate if it's about our son.  He's been at home while I'm at work renovating, listening to music (a way to cope for him) and at night going into the basement to workout (again a way for him to cope and deal with his back pain). He told me he is feeling better about himself this week no thanks to me, and that he doesn't "need or want my bull___". He told me "stop texting me, stop talking to me, leave me alone, maybe one day I will feel differently but hey if it's too late whenever that is so be it!"
I am hurt. Lost. I have issue with reaching out to him even when he asks to be alone, so I know I make things worse by chasing him but I feel like I have no self control when it comes to him. I love him deeply and can see his hurt, and I do not want to give up on us... .I keep holding onto hope because there are some words and actions that say he wants to still be with me.
I am looking for help. Any advice... .any insights.
We have done counselling in the past, which did help somewhat. But now he says he wont' go back because after a year of therapy I am still doing all the same things wrong. I have started seeing a counselor on my own.
Help me please. I need advice. Or a glimmer of hope... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, tulip123!

Welcome to the BPD Family. While I'm sorry for what brought you here, I am glad you found us. People here can understand what you're going through and will have advice and support to offer.

You're dealing with a lot: a young child, an unpredictable spouse who is emotional unstable and can rage and then disappear at any time. That's a very difficult thing to cope with. I know you're seeing a therapist, but do you have another support system? Friends or family you can depend on? This board can be a support system too, of course!

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. The more we know, the more we can help.
1) You said your H has been to a counselor before, but has he ever been diagnosed?
2) Could you describe one of the big blow-ups? What was it about? How did it start?

This is one tool that I've found very helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
Listening to the other person and giving them what they really need and want (well, within reason) can go a long way toward minimizing conflict.

Also, I'd encourage you to read and post on other members' boards. You can learn a lot that way -- and may help someone else in turn.

[tulip123]

Thanks for your reply Ozzie101. To answer your questions:

1) no he hasn’t been diagnosed. I feel guilty “self diagnosing” him... .I’m scared and confused and am looking for answers. In my research I discovered that he carries a lot of BPD traits. Perhaps he isn’t but he definitely carries 5-6 of the traits.

2)the recent blow up was because I tried to discuss an upcoming obligation for a friends wedding. I know he had a hard time with the last wedding I was apart of (spending too much time with the wedding obligations while he was dealing with family issues and small claims court for his business) and we had many fights throughout. We actually had a blow out after the wedding and he left the hotel at 3am to go home. Soo I was nervous to dicuss this weddings obligations and he picked up on it right away. He had a bit of push back when I mentioned that the girls wanted to have a sleepover after dress shopping and he mentioned how both me and my son have many obligations coming up and when is there time for us to make plans for fun. I was automatically on the defense and told him that “well I didn’t have any issue with your guys night a few days before Christmas” and so the fight began. I regret being so defensive and I know he really didn’t deserve it, within minutes I apologized and asked to hit the reset, he never wants to reset if I say the wrong thing. I then remained very defensive on everything he brought up and it escalated the fight. He stonewalled me (as usual) and within two days he was non stop texting me at work saying how he hates who I am, he deserves to be happy and with someone who will appreciate him etc. I should know better than I volley the conversation back and forth when he is upset like that but I did anyway.

I do have a support system, somewhat. My family and friends live 2+ hours away now so I have text and phone conversations with some friends and occasionally my mom when this happens. I try not talk to my mom too much about it because she gets very judgmental and thinks I shouldn’t be in a toxic relationship. I confided in her too much when he left for a week last March and told her ALL of the brutal details. My husband was very upset and I broke his trust when I told my mom so much (given his bad family situation he took immediately to my family and feels they are the only family they have and I spoiled that quite a bit).

[Ozzie101]

1) Don't feel guilty about that. Many of us here (including me) have undiagnosed partners we've sort of diagnosed ourselves. And, no, he may not actually have BPD. But if he has traits of it, then the tools and advice you can get here can still help, "official diagnosis" or not. You're seeking tools to help make your life easier and healthier. There's nothing to be guilty about there.

2) It sounds like you're both playing a role in escalation, as you seem to recognize yourself. Have you looked at these tools:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

They might be helpful if you can practice them consistently -- which is not easy, I know! Let me know what you think.

It is important to have a support system, but it's also wise to choose carefully. My therapist told me to choose someone who is wise but who is calm, non-judgmental and wouldn't tell me what to do. In my case, that is my mom (and my dad). It sounds like your mother isn't the best person in this situation and you realize that.

[creampuff]

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. I have been there myself many times. My husband and I have long stretches of time where things are seemingly good, and then bouts where things are really bad. I am used to the roller coaster somewhat and have learned to see them through, but it is tough. One things I always try to remember with him is that he is a catastrophizer--for him, every argument is the end of the world. One time I asked him, "but we have been together 9 years, do you still feel this way, even when we are just bickering over something stupid?" "Yes," he told me. It always feels like the end to him. The other thing to remember is that pwBPD feel things much more extravagantly than nonBPDs. When he is in a mood, I take his extravagant statements as distortions, and not his real feelings. It is the only way I can stay sane.

After a particularly bad period of time early in our marriage, he threatened to divorce me. He would say things like, "you're not happy. I'm not happy. We should get a divorce." I got so fed up, I simply told him that I refused to get a divorce, that we would work through things because we had made a commitment. Things actually improved a lot after that. PwBPD have fears of abandonment, and they often do things to provoke you into leaving them.You should read, "I hate you, don't leave me!" for insight on this. I am reading a very good column right now that may be helpful. It is about things that pwBPD say and do to provoke non-BPDs, and how to avoid it. There are a series of posts on this topic. You can read one of the posts here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/matter-personality/201312/borderline-provocations-how-not-respond

(I am literally reading it right now after my uBPDh got angry at me because he could not find the tweezers and accused me of losing them... .and then he swore at me and said, "F--- you" when I tried to help him. Sigh).

My husband also criticizes me and blames me for all of the problems in our relationship. I give myself a little moment to feel sad about this. It is hurtful. I give myself some time to feel my feelings, but I don't dwell too much on them, as that can fuel things. Acknowledge to yourself that when he says these things, it is hurtful, but they are not true. They are distortions. PwBPD are often self-loathing and they project their feelings onto others to avoid feeling the feelings themselves. My husband is a perfectionist and can't help but turn his perfectionism onto me as well.

Try not to take the things he says and does too personally. It is very hard not to, but you can remind yourself that you are a human being, and that you make mistakes, and it is not a crime or a character flaw! Remind yourself that is unreasonable for him to expect you to be perfect! You have to be kind to yourself, because no one else will. And if you are not kind to yourself, and allow him to make you believe horrible things about yourself, you will lose yourself even more, and that is the worst thing. That can send you down into a pit of depression that is hard to get out of.

The other thing that helps is to focus on yourself. Find something you enjoy doing, and do it to take your mind off things. I garden, I cook, I make pottery.

Continue to go to therapy. Work on yourself. It will help. Once you have shored your "self" up, you will be able to cope with his distortions, provocations, etc. a lot better. They will make you feel less unstable.