First constructive conversation in years with BPD mom

[zachira]

I have been boycotting my mother's phone calls for the past couple of weeks or so. I have been giving mom with BPD feedback for years on our conversations. Basically a phone call from mom consists of mom having her hearing aid turned off while she says the same terrible things as usual. In person, conversations are much the same. Mom has called me numerous times in the past couple of weeks and obviously was in dire distress over my life which she actually knows little about. I refuse to be the dumping grounds for her unregulated feelings and her inability to see me as a separate person from her most of the time. It seems my elderly mother got the message this time (though I know this won't last and she will again project her unhappiness on to others). This time she treated me nicely, listened to what I had to say, and had kind things to say about others. (Usually she is saying terrible things about others that are gross exaggerations if not blatantly untrue.) The lesson for me and perhaps helpful to others is when the person in our life with BPD is emotionally dysregulating, either depressed or raging or both together, it is perhaps best to take a step back until the person with BPD has self soothed, which can happen though it often doesn't.

[chronsweet]

I am in no contact mode with my uBPDmom too.  I have no hope that she will have some epiphany that she needs to be able to look inside and see how she causes a reaction in others and the part she plays in communication.

I have been getting some hints from others in the family that she probably doesn't like not talking to me.  My step-dad asked my boyfriend today, 'when do you think they will talk again?"

I don't want the silence to end to be honest.

How long have you been on silence?  Does it happen ever so often?  Have you ever considered going no contact for a significant period of time?

[Turkish]

I think we all know "you never know who we're going to get," but this sounds positive. Was this the first time she's been like this?

[Libra]

Hi Zachira,
I am happy to hear that the incessant phone calls have diminished.
Your mother has managed to self-regulate, or maybe she found another victim to help her manage her dysregulation.
This time it wasn't dumped on you, and she can now temporarily communicate with you on a normal base. 
How do you feel now, when interacting with her in this state?
I ask because this is the modus operandi with my mother most of the time. I still feel very guarded with her though. I keep reminding myself that her state can change very rapidly, so I still use what I think is coined as 'grey rock' here on the boards: I keep my emotional distance, and I mainly listen and still share very little with her.

I hope you can enjoy some peace of mind now.

 

Libra.

[zachira]

Thank you for your replies.
Libra,
I am aware that mom will dysregulate again. The difference is I can set a boundary of not answering her phone calls when it is too upsetting for me. Most important of all, I have had the kind of conversation with her that I can be positive about. I think mom is worrying about dying and she wants to make peace with me, which will last until she dysregulates again. I know I will not likely be as upset the next time round because I now know mom is far more capable of being a genuinely nice human being that I ever though possible.
Turkish,
This was the first time she has been like this. Mom is elderly and could go any time, so I think she wants to make peace with me before she goes.Yes, we never know who we are going to get, and mom will likely go back to her old ways soon.
Cronsweet,
I have never considered going no contact because it is not possible under my circumstances. I have had low contact with mom for several months now, and will continue to do so. It is understandable that you are experiencing relief having no contact with your mom, and are lucky you are able to do no contact.