My DAILY mantra, reminders & goals (for those leaving, or just surviving)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,

I cannot begin to thank everyone here enough for the many helpful comments, advice, and words of encouragement! My life has been a living hell for long enough, and I'm decisively detaching, and for the right reasons. Since very young children are involved, and for financial reasons, I'm going to have to ride this out for another several years, but I am detaching, I have a plan, and I am continuing to educate myself on BPD. I found out about a month ago, and it is crystal clear to me what the problems are. Sadly, there is no hope for her getting treatment, or changing (at least with me, and our current situation). That said, I am relieved now that I know what is going on, and I am beginning to become positive again in my life! I have gone through all stages of grief, and have now arrived at "acceptance." I am taking care of myself, my kids, and I'm going to see this through.

I have read over a dozen books on BPD (within this last month), and I've collected some of my favourite points, phrases, etc. including some other insights people have made on this forum.

For those in a similar situation, maybe this can help or be interesting. I read this DAILY now before I start my day.  

This may seem like hell’s flood gates just opened, but in many ways, I am already built (mentally, emotionally and physically) to overcome a problem like this. I am very lucky—I was raised well; I have both family members and good friends who love and support me, and who are cheering me on to use my strength for good, to see this through … for my own sake, and for the future success, health and well-being of my children.

Remember:

* She is underdeveloped, and tucked into her inner child a long time ago.
* She needs to feel control over you because she feels so out of control with herself.
* She gains energy from the fires she starts—the same fires she expects you to extinguish.
* There will always be major value differences between us; she does not see her behaviour as problematic and abusive. She is literally blind to the mistreatment.
* There is a difference between giving up and knowing you’ve had enough.
* I cannot help her more than she is willing to help herself.
* My love for her, and my desire to help her will never be enough.
* Only she can rescue herself from her inner pain and suffering … but (for now) she is in a perpetual state of denial.
* I cannot change her BP traits and behaviours; I can only work to incrementally change my current circumstances.

Positive  “I Am” Statements and “Boundaries"

* I am, at the moment, trapped by my circumstances, but not my character.
* I am emotionally healthy, but I will not continue (long-term) a relationship with someone who is emotionally dysfunctional.
* I am lucky to live a self-examined life, and I will not compromise my values and important goals in life. This is not selfish.

Goals: “I Will” Statements

* I will unburden myself in therapy.
* I will meditate daily, and read good books.
* *****I will privately, safely, and consistently rebuild my personhood****
* I will take her dangerous behaviours seriously (especially if it involves me and the children), but I will not allow myself to be terrorised by her behaviours, or to take her insults and cruelty personally—the tentacles of this mental illness are long and sticky: do not get stuck and let it take you down!
* *****I have the right to privacy**** I will safely do things in private; maintain relationships that I value, the hobbies and interests I enjoy, and that sustain and develop my personhood.

I Want “Statements"
* I want and deserve non-PD love, respect and dignity. In time, I will get there again.
* I want and deserve to be around others who are positive, healthy, fun and interesting—not stuck in a painful marriage with someone who is hopelessly incapable of being emotionally honest.
* I want my children to see the “full, authentic” me, not the "restricted me"
* There are many other people out there—much more introspective and centred—to later share my interests and personhood with (whether with a future romantic partner, family members or friends). Remember that most people understand what healthy relationships look like, and how they function. I will get there. I will meet these people. Do not worry!

Facts:
* Gifts from these unique set of challenges: These next years will be the most important "service project” to myself and my children.
    * There are several important diamonds in this dunghill to mine for:
        * I will focus on my career development.
        * I will *************.
        * I will be present with my children, especially during their earliest years of development.
        * I have time to thoughtfully and thoroughly prepare.
* These next years will also be an important "service project" for her: to (hopefully) learn and feel more independent, socially self-sufficient, and to become financially stable on her own.
 
Facts & Remember:
* But there is a hard expiration date against the unfair concessions I’ve been making; I have already giving up and sacrificed too much of myself—I am reclaiming what parts of myself I’ve lost these past years.
* This life of mine (although “restricted”) is still meaningful, and things are still “good enough” to see this through.
* Remember to give yourself the necessary time to think about particularly hard and complicated problems. BPD behaviour is whimsical and rash. Do not parrot this kind of  behaviour!
* I will definitely make mistakes along the way. Small mistakes are okay (learn from them), but at all costs—avoid big ones! “Big mistakes" and miscalculations will not only set you back, but may significantly change the landscape for critical progress and interfere with your short-term and long-term goals. KEEP CALM and
*  KEEP CALM: "develop Knowledge and Energy to assertively Explain Patterns of behaviour, while Considering Alternatives to Litigation and Managing post-divorce relationship."
    * Keep your journal up-to-date. Write in it daily.
    * Safely record and videotape whenever you feel it necessary
    * Do not forget to screenshot abusive texts!
    * Protect your good name, character, and your equitable custody rights!

The Children:
* Be present.
* Give them lots of love and validation—even the simplest expressions and love and validation. For obvious reasons, they will always rely on you more for your example, stability, and consistency. With this in mind, start by being consistent with your expressions of love and validation. Make it a habit. Make it routine. *****Remember**** they will later need their own therapy.

Remember:
* When you need a break, go for a walk.
* When you need a break, focus on breathing.
* When she explodes on you, do not engage! Step out of the room! Walk away (this is your boundary, your right, and for your protection—for you and the kids)

suisse_chilipep

[suisse_chilipep]

Hi All,

I cannot begin to thank everyone here enough for the many helpful comments, advice, and words of encouragement! My life has been a living hell for long enough, and I'm decisively detaching, and for the right reasons. Since very young children are involved, and for financial reasons, I'm going to have to ride this out for another several years, but I am detaching, I have a plan, and I am continuing to educate myself on BPD. I found out about a month ago, and it is crystal clear to me what the problems are. Sadly, there is no hope for her getting treatment, or changing (at least with me, and our current situation). That said, I am relieved now that I know what is going on, and I am beginning to become positive again in my life! I have gone through all stages of grief, and have now arrived at "acceptance." I am taking care of myself, my kids, and I'm going to see this through.

I have read over a dozen books on BPD (within this last month), and I've collected some of my favourite points, phrases, etc. including some other insights people have made on this forum.

For those in a similar situation, maybe this can help or be interesting. I read this DAILY now before I start my day.  

This may seem like hell’s flood gates just opened, but in many ways, I am already built (mentally, emotionally and physically) to overcome a problem like this. I am very lucky—I was raised well; I have both family members and good friends who love and support me, and who are cheering me on to use my strength for good, to see this through … for my own sake, and for the future success, health and well-being of my children.

Remember:

* She is underdeveloped, and tucked into her inner child a long time ago.
* She needs to feel control over you because she feels so out of control with herself.
* She gains energy from the fires she starts—the same fires she expects you to extinguish.
* There will always be major value differences between us; she does not see her behaviour as problematic and abusive. She is literally blind to the mistreatment.
* There is a difference between giving up and knowing you’ve had enough.
* I cannot help her more than she is willing to help herself.
* My love for her, and my desire to help her will never be enough.
* Only she can rescue herself from her inner pain and suffering … but (for now) she is in a perpetual state of denial.
* I cannot change her BP traits and behaviours; I can only work to incrementally change my current circumstances.

Positive  “I Am” Statements and “Boundaries"

* I am, at the moment, trapped by my circumstances, but not my character.
* I am emotionally healthy, but I will not continue (long-term) a relationship with someone who is emotionally dysfunctional.
* I am lucky to live a self-examined life, and I will not compromise my values and important goals in life. This is not selfish.

Goals: “I Will” Statements

* I will unburden myself in therapy.
* I will meditate daily, and read good books.
* *****I will privately, safely, and consistently rebuild my personhood****
* I will take her dangerous behaviours seriously (especially if it involves me and the children), but I will not allow myself to be terrorised by her behaviours, or to take her insults and cruelty personally—the tentacles of this mental illness are long and sticky: do not get stuck and let it take you down!
* *****I have the right to privacy**** I will safely do things in private; maintain relationships that I value, the hobbies and interests I enjoy, and that sustain and develop my personhood.

I Want “Statements"
* I want and deserve non-PD love, respect and dignity. In time, I will get there again.
* I want and deserve to be around others who are positive, healthy, fun and interesting—not stuck in a painful marriage with someone who is hopelessly incapable of being emotionally honest.
* I want my children to see the “full, authentic” me, not the "restricted me"
* There are many other people out there—much more introspective and centred—to later share my interests and personhood with (whether with a future romantic partner, family members or friends). Remember that most people understand what healthy relationships look like, and how they function. I will get there. I will meet these people. Do not worry!

Facts:
* Gifts from these unique set of challenges: These next years will be the most important "service project” to myself and my children.
    * There are several important diamonds in this dunghill to mine for:
        * I will focus on my career development.
        * I will *************.
        * I will be present with my children, especially during their earliest years of development.
        * I have time to thoughtfully and thoroughly prepare.
* These next years will also be an important "service project" for her: to (hopefully) learn and feel more independent, socially self-sufficient, and to become financially stable on her own.
 
Facts & Remember:
* But there is a hard expiration date against the unfair concessions I’ve been making; I have already giving up and sacrificed too much of myself—I am reclaiming what parts of myself I’ve lost these past years.
* This life of mine (although “restricted”) is still meaningful, and things are still “good enough” to see this through.
* Remember to give yourself the necessary time to think about particularly hard and complicated problems. BPD behaviour is whimsical and rash. Do not parrot this kind of  behaviour!
* I will definitely make mistakes along the way. Small mistakes are okay (learn from them), but at all costs—avoid big ones! “Big mistakes" and miscalculations will not only set you back, but may significantly change the landscape for critical progress and interfere with your short-term and long-term goals. KEEP CALM and
*  KEEP CALM: "develop Knowledge and Energy to assertively Explain Patterns of behaviour, while Considering Alternatives to Litigation and Managing post-divorce relationship."
    * Keep your journal up-to-date. Write in it daily.
    * Safely record and videotape whenever you feel it necessary
    * Do not forget to screenshot abusive texts!
    * Protect your good name, character, and your equitable custody rights!

The Children:
* Be present.
* Give them lots of love and validation—even the simplest expressions and love and validation. For obvious reasons, they will always rely on you more for your example, stability, and consistency. With this in mind, start by being consistent with your expressions of love and validation. Make it a habit. Make it routine. *****Remember**** they will later need their own therapy.

Remember:
* When you need a break, go for a walk.
* When you need a break, focus on breathing.
* When she explodes on you, do not engage! Step out of the room! Walk away (this is your boundary, your right, and for your protection—for you and the kids)

suisse_chilipep

[Ozzie101]

You've done a lot of work, suisse_chilipep!  And I'm happy you're getting yourself into a healthy place. What a great set of guidelines. It's so nice to have all these tips in one place and I'm sure it will help others (and me). Thank you so much for sharing!

[MeandThee29]

Excellent work. I have something similar in my journal. It took me over a year to get to that point.

[suisse_chilipep]

You've done a lot of work, suisse_chilipep!  And I'm happy you're getting yourself into a healthy place. What a great set of guidelines. It's so nice to have all these tips in one place and I'm sure it will help others (and me). Thank you so much for sharing!

Thanks very much. It's nice to be out of the F.O.G.

[suisse_chilipep]

Excellent work. I have something similar in my journal. It took me over a year to get to that point.

There's so much to learn! It probably would have taken me 6 months to a year to compress everything I now know ... .but I'm currently looking for work, so I've had a lot of time during the day to think about things, and study up on this ;)