Misunderstood

[Akita]

I think my BPDw is often misunderstood.  She has a hard time with anything that triggers her sense of rejection or abandonment.  I think all ppl with BPD behave in a similar way and we as ppl in their lives need to find a way to better communicate with them.  I would love to be able to have deep conversation with my wife about her deep seeded fears.  We almost need to be like therapists for them.  More understanding of their experience of life and more compassion to their daily struggles.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Very true. I'm getting into a lot of that with my uBPDh. He's finally clicking with a therapist and developing a lot of insight, which he's sharing with me. For instance, his negative, dismissive attitude often hides the fact that, despite how he acts, he actually does care. A lot. For instance, he's always been scornful and dismissive of my relationships with my nephew and nieces, saying things like "I don't care about those kids." He told me last night he knows every one of their names, most of their birthdays, rattled off what each one is interested in, admitted he'd been very worried about one who had a minor health crisis a couple of months ago, etc. He acts that way to put up barriers against rejection and fear of abandonment.

We've had some great and very enlightening discussions and I'm glad he reached a point where he was willing and able to share. Of course, I think the timing has to really be right and may need to be on the pwBPD's terms.

[Purplex]

Yes I experience that with my BPDbf as well. He is in therapy for years and actually learned to be open with his feelings and puts a lot of effort into communicating them. But a lot of people still fail to grasp the extent and intensity of those feelings. They don't understand that cancelling a meet up causes him to feel deeply rejected and unimportant, because with a non this wouldn't be a big issue. If he expresses his frustration and tells them that he can't deal with that, they get annoyed and defensive. No compassion, no validation. I don't really blame them, because somebody who didn't put some time into researching BPD will probably not be able to really get what this is all about and misunderstand his reaction as intentional, overly aggressive and dramatic. This happens a lot and often causes him to feel miserable for several days even if I do my best to validate and help him get over it.

I would love to be able to have deep conversation with my wife about her deep seeded fears.

Should it come to that and depending on your wifes history be prepared for things to get pretty dark and depressing. Everytime my bf tells me about his inner life, his childhood experiences or daily struggles I get a glimpse of the immense pain and sadness he is feeling everyday. And there is nothing I can do to help but listen.