I’m new and I need help

[Foreverandever]

I’m here seeking guidance on what I can do that is in my control to improve me which will help our relationship. I’m also here to feel less fearful when his BPD rage is happening, which includes violent outbursts, threats to end the relationship and suicidal threats.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hello foreverandever and welcome to the family! 

This site offers a lot of information and tools for us to work on ourselves and learn strategies that help us deal with our loved ones' behaviors, so you came to the right place! If you read through some other threads you will see that many other members are dealing with similar issues and understand what you are going through. You are not alone!
If you have not done that yet, I would advise you to take a look at the tools and workshops as well. Feel free to share if you find something that could be helpful in your situation and don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions!

The more we know about you and your relationship, the better we can help you. So I hope you don't mind if I ask some questions myself.

Did something happen in particular that prompted you to make this post?

Since you mentioned violent outbursts I am a bit concerned about your safety. Are you a direct target of his rage? How do those situations play out?

[Foreverandever]

Thank you for the welcome!
What prompted me to make this post is that I want to feel more in control of myself when the raging is happening and take action for what I can do on my side of the relationship to improve our situation.
The violent outbursts are not directed toward me in a physical way. He has punched doors, full-on run into doors, thrown things and screams and yells, but has not physically touched me ever. He does yell at me and is very angry and aggressive verbal toward me if I do not physically remove myself from the situation and go somewhere else until the raging is over.  I usually do leave the apartment with our dog (his behavior frightens our dog as well) and go to my mom’s or wherever until it passes. However, it has happened very very late at night when I just need/want to go to bed because I work early in the am, and just had to ignore and pretend like I wasn’t even there. That is tough because he tries to engage me into some sort of reaction or dialogue in order to argue and act out. On top of the BPD, he is also ocd, bipolar and is an alcoholic/addict and has threatened suicide. After this last episode of raging and depression, I told him that he needs to seek therapy specifically for the BPD, I need to seek more support with BPD and that we need help in our relationship if we are going to move forward together.

[Ozzie101]

After this last episode of raging and depression, I told him that he needs to seek therapy specifically for the BPD, I need to seek more support with BPD and that we need help in our relationship if we are going to move forward together.

Hello Foreverandever!

What you're going through is very scary, bewildering and stressful. I know. I've been there very recently. My H (no addiction, ocd, bipolar and no BPD diagnosis but definite symptoms) has done many of the same things, including the late-night rages where he wants me to react in a certain way. I know it's so difficult to deal with.

Have you spoken with a domestic violence counselor? That did a world of good for me in my relationship. They're well-trained in dealing with situations like this.

[theuproar]

Thank you for the welcome!
What prompted me to make this post is that I want to feel more in control of myself when the raging is happening and take action for what I can do on my side of the relationship to improve our situation.
The violent outbursts are not directed toward me in a physical way. He has punched doors, full-on run into doors, thrown things and screams and yells, but has not physically touched me ever. He does yell at me and is very angry and aggressive verbal toward me if I do not physically remove myself from the situation and go somewhere else until the raging is over.  I usually do leave the apartment with our dog (his behavior frightens our dog as well) and go to my mom’s or wherever until it passes. However, it has happened very very late at night when I just need/want to go to bed because I work early in the am, and just had to ignore and pretend like I wasn’t even there. That is tough because he tries to engage me into some sort of reaction or dialogue in order to argue and act out. On top of the BPD, he is also ocd, bipolar and is an alcoholic/addict and has threatened suicide. After this last episode of raging and depression, I told him that he needs to seek therapy specifically for the BPD, I need to seek more support with BPD and that we need help in our relationship if we are going to move forward together.

Ultimately, you choose your emotional state and your reaction to this behavior, as wild and difficult as that sounds.  I've talked with my therapist many, many times about my SO and her BPD, and my therapist says that the only way for a nonBPD to survive a relationship with someone that has the disorder is to be supremely confident in yourself and have a strong support network outside of your partner.  This is what you have to do for yourself in order for you (plural) to survive.  Take steps to sort out your own issues (therapy), practice self-care (exercise, pleasurable activities), and study your a** off about BPD.  There are some amazing videos on youtube that help you peek into the mind of a pwBPD, and it has helped my understanding tremendously.

I choose to remain in this relationship because I am confident in my decision and am aware of the difficulties that lie ahead.  You have to autonomously make this decision and be comfortable with it, or you need to leave immediately.  That requires some serious soul-searching.  Just understand that these outbursts (which I deal with weekly, sometimes daily, as well) are coming from a deep, deep well of pain and trauma.  That's a big part of what keeps me going. 

[once removed]

hi Foreverandever, im glad you reached out.

dealing with someone in a dysregulated state is really stressful, especially over time.

about how long in your relationship has this been going on? how often does it occur?