His moods are so all over the place that his behaviour is confusing

[boogs152]

Sorry but what’s the run down when my pwBPD says something totally untrue? He said that I NEVER want to have sex.

But in truth his moods are so all over the place that his behaviour is confusing and I never know what’s happening or how to act.


What do I do about this accusation?

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[Ozzie101]

My H actually hit me with this one, too, and the situation was much like what you describe. He was so moody and unpredictable and borderline hostile that sex just didn't register.

Have you tried discussing it with your partner at a calm time, asking him why he feels that way?

In my case, sex is a big way H connects and feels close to me. The drop-off in sex triggered his fears of abandonment.

I ended up telling H that his anger made me hesitant, to which he snapped back that if we had more sex, he'd be less angry. Still, we ended up agreeing to make sex more of a priority. We both put more effort in and things have improved a lot. Now, that's not to say you should let yourself be coerced into something you don't want to do.

You don't want to validate the invalid. Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault. Don't agree to something that isn't true. But really listening to what he's saying and the feelings underneath may help you get at the root of the problem.

[boogs152]

I see what you’re saying but
I’m tired of being so patient and understanding... .I’ve validated him for over a year now for various reasons. I’m so tired. I feel like he doesn’t want a girl friend he just wants a punching bag. Feels like he’s looking for any excuse to blame me for something. What about making him accountable for a change?

[itsmeSnap]

I’m tired of being so patient and understanding... .I’ve validated him for over a year now for various reasons.

You can't validate when someone is throwing fists at you, literal or emotional.

I feel like he doesn’t want a girl friend he just wants a punching bag

Would you mind sharing one of those moments with us in a little more detail? You mentioned wanting to make him accountable, we need to figure out what exactly is he doing that he needs to know about, maybe have a bit of "brain picking" to try to understand why he's doing it.

Not because of some sense of it "being the right thing to do for him", but so you can know where its coming from and how to prepare for/deal with it.

Sounds like something you'd consider?

[boogs152]

I’ve become an emotional punching bag. He recently had treatment at a psychiatric clinic. New meds. He’s so angry and frustrated that he’s constantly in a bad mood... .or he ignores me. His moods dictate our relationship this past year and I never know what’s happening other than dealing with atmosphere or harsh comments.
Sex... .well he barely wants me to hug him... .so I’m not going to initiate sex. I’m too confused most of the time to what, when where.

Don’t get me wrong he’s not just in a bad mood because of new meds. It’s just worse right now. The burn out pressure builds more and more.

[itsmeSnap]

He recently had treatment at a psychiatric clinic. New meds

Inpatient? a general breakdown or did he do something "out there" that landed him there?

His moods dictate our relationship this past year and I never know what’s happening other than dealing with atmosphere or harsh comments.
[... .]
Don’t get me wrong he’s not just in a bad mood because of new meds. It’s just worse right now

I imagine in the beginning he was a "better bf" or at least less angry right? from what I'm reading I don't think you fell for his "charming outbursts" (or did you?)

So what changed? what happened around the time you noticed the switch to moodiness?

[boogs152]

Inpatient by his own means and with my help. The first three months of our relationship was generally good then downhill quickly after that.

We’re not a high conflict couple... .his moods just dominate every thing.

I’m at a place emotionally where I feel
I’m in a corner. Everything I do or say is wrong.

[Bnonymous]

I’m at a place emotionally where I feel
I’m in a corner. Everything I do or say is wrong.

It's crap feeling like that. 

Maybe try and see it as freeing, if you can? Like, see it as, if whatever you do or say is going to be wrong in his eyes anyway, then it doesn't matter what you do/say so you're free not to worry about it? As long as you don't do or say anything wrong in your eyes, then nothing is worse or better than anything else. So there's no need to spend your precious time on trying to work out what he does or doesn't want to see and hear from you, because you know he's going to reject anything. That can be freeing, in a sense.

Accepting "I can't win here" can be a way of freeing ourselves from trying to.

[boogs152]

Thanks for your replies I’ve been away...sucked into a black hile

[boogs152]

Thanks for your interest Bnonymous. I suppose I could be more free in my thinking feelings and behaviours but I do care about how he feels. I want things to be more harmonious. Communication is tricky and what he feels one day may completely change the next. I often feel invalidated or devalued.
Dont get me wrong there are some good days... Maybe 3-4 per month. It’s an endurance battle. Why do I do this to myself...?

[Chosen]

boogs152,

I know that feeling.  We're constantly trying to validate (I admit I'm not good at this), being encouraging, picking out every positive nitbit and trying to overlook the negative.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is tiring, and it'll be a lot more than a year of validating... it will likely be a lifetime of it.  So if we're in this, we'd better make this our lifestyle. 

Bnonymous has a point there.  I feel like I'm going to be wrong whatever I do and say, and it kind of frees me a bit.  It still makes me sad to see things the way they are, but I have stopped blaming myself so much now.  I still feel bad when I think about the things I should have said/ done better, but at the same time I now realise that I couldn't have 100% prevented his rages anyway.  When he tries to put the entire blame on me, I now know better.  He won't get it- but at least I do.

[boogs152]

Hi Chosen,


Thanks for your reply. I follow a guy on YouTube. His name is MR BPD and has BPD.He says that being in a relationship with a borderline is a waste of time. That’s there’s no communication with with a BPD and they usually don’t want to change. This has been playing on my mind somewhat. I guess we’re all free to make our own decisions but finding emotional stability and clarity is challenging when times are tough and  you’re hopeful that things will improve in time. Holding on.